NOT on My Christmas List

It is the gift giving season, and I'm sure there are many of you wondering what the perfect gift might be for me. Honestly, I don't expect you to go to all that trouble, because gift cards are convenient and appreciated.

Should you decide to get me something anyway, I would like to steer you away from some specific books and DVDs that I am just not that interested in getting. I'm sure you will understand.

Religious DVDs

"Johnny Lingo: The Broken Mirror Years"

"Mr. Krueger's April Fool's Day"

"Man's Search for Happiness in 2012: Google vs. Bing"

"The Phone Call: The SA Years - Finding Peace With Caller ID"

"BSA Safety Afloat Training Video"


Religious Books

"But Dad, I Don't Want to Be a Pilot: The Forgotten Uchtdorf"

by D.F. Uchtdorf, Jr.

"The Book Thief 2"

by Lucy & Martin Harris

"I've Seen That Smile Somewhere Before:  How to Work Saturday's Warrior into Your Daily Conversation."

by Mike Henneke.

"Making Bank: The Story of EFY."

(Previously titled "EFY: How to Raise Prices in a Recession.")

"Don't Let it Hold You Back!"

- The inspiring stories of how some Church leaders attended U of U, yet still managed to find success and credibility -

Non-Fiction Books

"Dementia & Denial"
by Joseph Biden

"You're a Runner?  I Had No Idea!"
by Rip Van Winkle

"The Sandwich of Monte Cristo"
by Alexander Dumas & Bobby Flay

"How to Lose all Your Money in 3 Days and 2 Nights"
by Walt Disney

"Regret: The Book I Never Wrote"
by Most Everybody I Know

"The First Mormon President"
(I can get this at the Dollar Store now, so don't bother.)

"101 7 Perks of Growing Up in Utah"
-Includes Custom Fry Sauce Recipe-

"The Oh-So-Short Life of Pie"
by Yams Carmel

Devolution by Thumb

For over 15 years I have had a cellphone with me, and managed to keep the same number the entire time. I have always kept up with the changes in the technology. I got an iPhone on the first day, and have miraculously succeeded in maintaining my unlimited data plan. So much has happened, so much has changed. My phone has more processing power that most of my early computers put together. (Some of those computers that I owned as far back as 1983.)

Even though I could probably control my known universe with my phone, the main things I use it for are email, talking, listening to music, and looking stuff up on the web. Kinda boring - what can I say? I'm old.

In addition, I text with my iPhone every day. Multiple times. It is one of the primary ways I communicate with my EC, FOMLs, employees, friends, etc. It is quick, and efficient.

And it frightens me. And I still dislike it.

I love technology. I am adequately geeked-out enough to know what is out there, and how to use it - and none of the technology has bothered me as much as the "Texting Devolution." No, I didn't make a mistake. I don't see it as a "Texting Revolution," or as a "Texting Evolution." I see it as a devolution, a societal step backwards that will eventually come back to bite us.

It isn't just because I am not as quick with my thumbs, like my kids are, or because auto-correct is controlled by the adversary. I have bigger issues with texting, much bigger. I guess you would call them societal issues.


Everyone walks around with their heads bowed, definitely not in prayer, but looking at their phones. Sometimes I am tempted to yell "Look out!" just to watch them freak out.  Remember the talk by Elder Cook last conference when he was in the elevator with President Monson? I think President Monson was more tactful when he told Elder Carl B. Cook that "it is better to look up!" (link)

It IS better to look up.  Especially when you are...

Walking through a crowd.
Driving.
Talking to a person that is right in front of you.
In class - school, Sunday School, ANY classroom setting.

In the old days, a woman could say to a man "Hey buddy, eyes up here!" and it wasn't that the man was reading a text.

It is better to look up. It is safer, it is less rude.

Go ahead - roll your eyes and tell me that it isn't a big deal. You can think that, but you would be wrong. We are turning into a generation of rude, self-absorbed people who lack even the most basic standards of polite face-to-face communication.  I've lived through it. I had a Walkman in 1980. I have the white earbuds. I know that if I go grocery shopping with my earbuds in, then people are less likely to bother me. And I am part of the problem.

The difference is, I acquired this technology AFTER having developed the ability to speak with people - in person, and on the phone. Today's youth are so immersed in technology that many never develop good communication skills. Sure, they can abbreviate like nobody's business, and can summarize their thoughts in 140 characters or less, but there IS a decline. But I'm not just picking on kids - those of us who are from the pre-tech generation can lose those communication skills, and develop the same rude behaviors as the next generation. Some of the rudest texters I know are adults.

Communication:

Texting diminishes both communicative skills and the quality of the communication. They are two different things. I have spent most of my life raising, or serving with, youth, and have witnessed the decline in communication skills. And it isn't just me - the "experts" agree. I know lots of people who would prefer to text than to talk on the phone. My question "Why don't you just call and talk to them?" is just met with a blank stare and shrugged shoulders - "I don't need to call - this is fine."

I see the decline in things like decreased eye contact, and a desire to avoid actual conversation. I watch as youth struggle when they have to share a thought in front of a group, or answer questions. And this is IN the Church. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to develop those skills without the leadership and speaking opportunities the Church affords our youth. I also think the quality of our verbal storytelling is on the decline - unless it is written down and read.  These are our future missionaries.

Texting can be incredibly rude.  Here is a quick test to see if you are being rude while texting:
• If words are either coming out of your mouth, or going into your ears while you are typing, or reading a text, then you are being rude.

The quality of communication suffers as well. There is no nuance in texting, there is no tone, no body language, no eye-contact. So much of our communication is non-verbal - and it is entirely missing in texting - with the exception of an occasional emoticon.  :)  ;)  :0  etc. No wonder there is so much mis-communcation. And the one thing our teenage girls surely need is yet another way to misunderstand each other.

The most striking example I experienced was when I was serving as a bishop.  There was a couple that was going through difficult times. (This has been approved by them) They were arguing a lot. One occasion the wife had told me that they had a particularly bad fight via text, and wanted to show me the text thread. I declined, but I asked why they were fighting via text.  She explained that since he was locked in the bedroom, and she was in the kitchen, it was the only way they could fight and not wake the kids. Text battles in the same house?

Another problem with texting, and Tweeting, and FBing is the irretrievability of the message. Once you hit send, it's sent. Sure you can go back and delete, but it is usually too late. It is too easy to respond hastily. Without the person standing in front of us, looking us in the eye, or the person's voice in our ear, it is much easier to spout off.  I know. I am an expert in this arena.

Do you ever get novella-sized texts?  My EC does. When I do, I usually call the person back and say, "This looks too big for a text - what's up?" Texting has become a tool for social avoidance. Why call when you can text? And for some people who struggle with some social phobias, it is an easy cop-out to quit trying to overcome them.

Danger:

Texting while driving is a part of the risk of being alive. Even if you don't do it, everyone else does.  When I pull up next to a person who seems to be driving erratically - odds are - they are texting. And it isn't just those behind the wheel - texting pedestrians are hazardous. Look up!  It is also dangerous to text in the line at the grocery store, because the old woman behind you might whack you with a loaf of hot bread when you are just standing there instead of checking out.

Personal dangers of excessive texting include physical problems with neck and thumbs, sleep disorders, anxiety disorders, bad grades (Which can be dangerous - depending on your parents) and other problems.  You think I'm exaggerating? Google the words "texting" and "danger" and pick one of the 4 million hits.

Texting can be dangerous to your income. Ask any employer, and they will tell you the same thing: I have been astonished to see how workers who would never think to make personal calls on the job, text like crazy while they are at work. Here's a tip: If you are texting when you are supposed to be working, then you are stealing payroll money from your employer and you are a dishonest thief.

Addiction:

We've all heard stories about the kid in the neighborhood that had 15,000 texts in one month. More than half the teenagers in the country text more than 50 times a day, with 30% texting more that 100 times a day. That's 1,500 to 3,000 a month right there. That is the OBVIOUS addiction.  The addiction I fear most is the gradual behavioral change most of us have experienced since texting became the norm.

We can ignore many things, but there is a amazing Pavlovian response to the sound of an incoming text that DEMANDS that we look at it immediately. I don't know why that is. I can let the phone ring until it goes to voice mail. I can leave email unchecked - but if a text comes through, I feel compelled to read it. Now! 

That is why we see people interrupt a face-to-face conversation to check on their digital conversation. That is why I recently saw two couples on a double-date at a restaurant where all four were ignoring each other while staring at their phones for most of dinner. What are we sacrificing?

Do you get nervous when you know a text is there..waiting..calling to you..."come read me"...
How long can you resist?

Can you imagine how irritating it would be if a mail carrier showed up at the door with a 10 word letter as often, and at the same times, as you receive texts?

When did we become so self-important?
When did we decide that what we have to say is so important that we should shoot it to someone anytime, any place?
During work, school or church, in the middle of the night?
When did we start thinking ourselves so important that we need to be available 24/7 or the earth would cease to spin on its axis?
How did a couple ever go on a date before the days of cellphones? How was that possible?
How did a teenager ever get a ride home before cellphones?
How did a guy dump his girlfriend before texting was invented?
How did an employee quit their job or call in sick?
How did we know things we said were funny before they were answered with LOL?

The truth is, texting is a lousy way to communicate. We use it because it is there. It is easy, and we are lazy. Most of what we text is not even very important. Certainly not important enough to deserve a face-to-face or a phone call. Instead. we fill our time and phones with low quality communication, putting both our communication skills, and our health and safety on the line.

And texting rudeness is becoming the norm. I think a lot of us truly don't even realize how rude it is to read a text while speaking to someone in person.

Hopefully the trend will subside - but I doubt it. I know that I'll still be texting today.  :(

But maybe we could try and look up every once in a while...

Saying Grace

Jozef Israels (1824-1911) Saying Grace

"Saying Grace" is a religious tradition that spans most faiths. The idea is to give thanks to God for our food, and ask Him to bless it. In my LDS experience, few have called it "Saying Grace". To me, it has always been either "Bless the Food," or "Say the Prayer."

I think I prefer "Saying Grace."

I did have a missionary companion who took the idea of "blessing the food" to a much more literal level than I had seen before. We would bow our heads at the table, and he would pronounce the blessing, which would be something like this:

"In the name of Jesus Christ, and by the power of the priesthood, we bless this food for our use.  Amen."

As a junior companion, I never took it upon myself to say, "Are you nuts?" but I did gently broach the subject once as to the appropriateness of his mealtime prayer.  His response was that it was similar to a priesthood ordinance, and we had the priesthood.

This was new and strange to me, and the idea didn't stick.  Mostly because he did not use the specific word that is supposed to be used in all Mormon food blessings.  That word is:

nourishandstrengthenourbodiesanddousthegoodthatweneed.

He didn't even try to incorporate the word into his prayer - let alone run it together correctly. Heretic. I just stuck with the tried-and-true that I had been raised with. Yep. I had my own vain repetitions, and I was gonna use them. Still do.

When we "bless the food", are we "blessing the food?"  Aren't we really asking God to bless the food? Sometimes it feels a bit silly. I have smiled many times while listening to someone "bless" the donuts or cookies to make us healthy. I have also felt the food go cold around me, and peeked to see a crusty layer form on the top of the gravy, as someone turns the mealtime prayer into an endurance event.

To me, the most important part of "Saying Grace" is "Grace."  The word itself teaches us a lot. The Latin and Greek origins meant "favor," or "thankful," or "praises."  All elements that were lacking in the blessing by my companion.

We use the word "grace" in our worship. It means an unmerited sanctification through divine assistance. Christ gives us grace. We are saved by grace. (Ephesians 2:8)

Could it be that our grace brings about God's grace and sanctifies our meal? Doesn't coming to God with a humility and gratitude sanctify us as well?

The part of my companion's prayer that bothered me was the complete lack of gratitude - the complete lack of grace in his edict. Even though I say the words "We are thankful for his food," most of the time, my prayers lack grace as well. On occasion, I will feel the words, but far too often, it is a tradition for tradition's sake.

I know, there are only so many ways to pray over a plate of food, and I'm not suggesting this is a big deal that will keep us out of heaven - but I am suggesting that every little bit of sincere gratitude we express to our God is a good thing.

Our family sits at the table to say grace. We kneel for family prayers, and keep the two distinct. (We like warm food) Family prayers are much more detailed, involved and longer. We like to keep mealtime prayers short. Not ridiculously short - but on topic.

Sometimes we bring carry-out home, and we always pray over it.  I have always expressed gratitude for my EC when she prepares a meal. So I decided to start expressing gratitude fro the people who prepared my food - even if it came from Pizza Hut. I like the feel of it, and the kids have picked it up too.

Blessing a table of cheesecakes so that God will nourishandstrengthenourbodiesanddousthegoodthatweneed can feel silly, but I have no problem at all expressing gratitude to God and the people who provided the cheesecake. Cheesecake is delicious, and God should be thanked for inspiring whoever invented it.

I don't pray over my food in public. Often I will see a devout person with their head briefly bowed before they dig into their chicken sandwich at Wendy's - I don't do it - but I admire and respect those who do.  I have seen couples who hold hands and pray in restaurants - out loud.  I don't have much use for that...

It is easy to find things to be thankful for, and to express gratitude during this season. It is harder when you are eating leftover whatever, and you know you are going to be late for your meeting...

Today as you gather around the table, pause for a moment and think about "Saying Grace." The question may not be as to what you are going to say, rather...do you mean it?

3 additional things:

1)  Here is an interesting link to BeliefNet, where members of different faiths share their mealtime prayers. (here)
2) What are your family traditions regarding blessing the food? I would be curious to know -especially those from other countries.
3) Yes, I have heard "Sons of Provo."

Thanksgiving Joys & Noise

Maybe it comes with age, or maybe I was just late to the party, but I enjoy Thanksgiving more with each passing year. I have  really grown to love this holiday, and not merely because of the food. I have jotted down a few reasons for my own sake. In addition, I have written down a few things that bother me about Thanksgiving, because you would probably be worried about me if I didn't.

Thanksgiving Joys

• I am growing to have a greater love for the idea of "homecoming." Now that my kids are growing up, and some have left the nest, there is always a missing piece - an empty spot - in both our hearts and home. When the FOMLs show up for the holidays, or return from missionary service, that void is immediately filled.

Right now we have one son out on a mission, and we miss him terribly. He is the only one that is absent this year. Sure, we don't necessarily WANT him here when he should be somewhere else, but we are constantly aware that he is not here. One nice thing this year: With FOML2 getting married, we now have another family member to add to the mix. She replaces no one, but creates her own spot that is obvious empty when she is not here.

I think that I did not understand this sort of homecoming (accidental U2 reference) when I was younger - specifically during my college days. I would come home from BYU and my parents were so excited to see me. I would do the obligatory gatherings, then take off with my friends. My parents were surprisingly patient with me.  Regret?  A little. Do I miss them? Yes. Especially this time of year. I can't help but think that this desire for a homecoming will only intensify as the great and final homecoming nears.

• Anytime is always a good time to focus on gratitude. President Eyring made the point last year that ingratitude is an offense to God. (link) Yep, it's a sin, but I think it is one that we all do better at avoiding specifically because the focus November brings. We make lists (mine here), we express our gratitude more freely with our friends, our family and our God. There is no downside to this. Gratitude breeds charity. It makes us better people. Yes, it would be better if we had this sort of attitude all year long.  baby steps..

• I enjoy the tradition of the Thanksgiving Feast.  Yes, we eat far too much. Yes, it is over-the-top. But it also can remind us of how blessed we are, and remind us of the incredible abundance that has been poured out on our land. The are few places on the planet that have anything to compare to our average grocery stores.  For all the division and struggle that we wrestle with as of late, we still have it better than the vast majority of the world. I think we forget that sometimes...

• The foods we prepare carry tremendous family tradition. Even when our feast is at someone else's home, we still do it all up again the next day.  I declared myself the official turkey preparer some 20+ years ago, and refuse to relinquish the title. From an early age, each one of the FOMLs got up early and sat at the counter to break the bread for stuffing. Each one has tried my EC's vinegar dumplings, to mixed results.  Pumpkin cheesecake is now a part, and brussel sprouts with bacon are my youngest's favorite Thanksgiving veggies. Our visiting FOML1 added the new tradition of making pumpkin pancakes.  Family traditions evolve, but they are still our family traditions.  We let go of some, and replace them with others, and that's what makes out family unlike any other.

• When everyone is home, the volume goes up exponentially - and that is fine. Hearing the kids laughing together, and having dance parties makes our house feel full. It is not noise at all.

Which brings me to...

Thanksgiving Noise

• Yes. I completely understand that there are healthier ways to make a Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I know we consume a ridiculous number of calories on this one day. I DON"T CARE.  If you do, that is fine - but I'd rather not hear about it. There are a handful of days throughout the year that are special. If you want to eat healthy on those days, or hold to your special diet on those days, that is fine with me. Just stop banging your drum long enough for us to enjoy the holiday. I'm tired of news reports telling me how much fat is in a normal Thanksgiving meal - which I eat maybe three times a year - if you count leftovers. Put the scale away for a day, and relish what we are blessed with.  (Note: If you are on a special diet for diabetes, Crohn's or celiac, etc., then obviously I'm not talking to you. Do what you need to do.)

• I understand that the classic Pilgrim+Indians=Thanksgiving story is not accurate.  Again, I DON'T CARE.  I don't need anyone droning on about genocide and what the pilgrims really ate, while I am trying to enjoy a "Traditional Thanksgiving Feast." While it may not be the same feast the Pilgrims enjoyed -it is OUR traditional feast, and our traditions are more important to me than those of the Pilgrims. If you feel the need to correct everyone's misperceptions about the First Thanksgiving, do it another time - like in June.

• Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Garage Sale Tuesday. The rich irony of this weekend never ceases to amaze me, and it gets worse every year.  Our celebration of gratitude culminates with an orgy of greed. Shopping and spending has almost supplanted Thanksgiving entirely. I understand that Commerce is just responding to the market, and as a business owner, I can't fault the stores for opening ever-earlier - but I choose not to respond to the cultural shift. In my home, and heart, The Christmas season does not start until Thanksgiving is over.

• Everyone knows when Thanksgiving occurs well in advance. It is not a secret. If you are going to attend someone else's celebration, show up on time! It takes effort and planning to put a feast on the table, but it takes real talent to have it all hot and ready at the same time. Timing is everything. So if you are the family assigned to bring the mashed potatoes, and you show up 45 minutes late, you should feel like jerks - you've earned it.  Plan ahead!


OK. Done venting. I love Thanksgiving, and I get frustrated as I see this great tradition waning as commercialism encroaches.

My best wishes to you, my fellow travelers, this Thanksgiving weekend. May you have time and desire to find gratitude wherever you look, and especially when you look towards each other, and towards God.

What I'm Thankful For in One Fell Swoop

I am not going to parse out my gratitude list one measly day at a time.  It is just bursting out of me.

I looked at my list from last year, and realized that I am grateful for a lot of the same things. Other things...not so much gratitude as last year.  So I edited it: I took out the name of the "Movie That Must Not be Named." (MTMNBN) I added some new things, and removed some old ones.

Since most of you were not following my blog at this time last year, I could have passed this off as "All New Gratitude", but I respect you too much for that. Instead, I will call this "New and Improved Gratitude."  There is no warranty.

The List

1)  Family, faith, friends, food, clothing, shelter, etc. (Yes, I know - #1 is nothing more than a composite of all the obvious stuff I'm thankful for. Let's move on.)

2)  I'm thankful that I don't have to blog on gold plates. Not so much because the engraving would be hard, but because gold is currently over $1700 an ounce. (And you thought e-books were still too expensive!)

3) I am thankful that my 10 year-old thinks it's awesome to eat the turkey heart and neck with me. (Gizzards: Yes. Liver: No.)

4)  I am thankful that none of the current hymns in our LDS Hymnal were composed by Justin Bieber.

5)  I am thankful that my EC is so blinded by love that she doesn't point out what a dork I am. Very often.

6)  I am thankful that I have music veto power when I am driving the family car, and I'm not afraid to use it.

7)  I am thankful that so many of you have already pre-ordered my book. (LINK HERE)  Order now to be in time for holiday gift giving!

8)  I am thankful that rich people in Nigeria think highly enough of me to offer to share their wealth with me on a regular basis.

9)  I am thankful that people don't greet each other the way dogs do. Usually.

10)  I am thankful that my ancestors procreated. Attaboy Gramps!

11)  I am grateful that I am one of the few people online who know how to spell the word "lose" correctly.

12)  I am that my son who played Mumford and Sons continually, is now serving the Lord on a two-year mission in a far off land.

13)  I am thankful that I don't need to remember to wind my watch. I am thankful if I even remember to wear it.

14)  I am thankful that if you search hard enough, you can find an Oriental market that carries Panang curry paste.

15)  I am thankful that in 30 years, nobody has ever beat me in a Boggle match. Ever. ('Humility' is an 11 point word.)

16)  I am thankful for caller ID that shows up on my TV so that I can know who I am ignoring when I'm watching The Amazing Race.

17) I am thankful that my mission in life is not trying to explain why I am right and the Church leaders are wrong.

18)  I am thankful that no angry stranger has ever shown up at my house wanting to "discuss" my latest post.

19)  I am thankful that my EC assigned dog poop cleanup to one of my boys.

20) I am thankful that I am a man. And by 'man' I mean that I don't drink Diet Coke, care about MTMNBN, or buy stuff on "Etsy".

21)  I am thankful that you can't catch the Black Plague by sharing chips and salsa.

22)  I am thankful that every dating relationship I ever had ended in failure. Except one.

23)  I am thankful that none of my kids have stupidly-spelled stupid names.

24) I am thankful that mormon.org does not sell our profiles to eharmony.

25) I am thankful that Viagra commercials merely show old people walking on the beach, etc.

26) I am thankful that I am at the top of mCat's organ donor list, in case I need a new, healthy kidney. Even though she jests.

27)  I am thankful that God doesn't always answer my prayers, and that He doesn't always grant my desires. Some of them would have really messed up my life.

28)  I'm thankful that that foam drink cups don't leave rings on my nice wooden desk. I understand that styrofoam might be bad for the environment and could lead to the devastation of our planet. I consider it a fair trade.

29)  I'm thankful that Norman Jewison cast Topol as Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  instead of Zero Mostel.

30) I'm thankful that society hasn't duped me into thinking that I need eyelash extensions.

31) I'm glad that J. Lo doesn't live at our house, or visit very often.

32)  I am thankful that I can count on some of you to always get the joke.

33) I'm thankful that I don't enjoy killing stuff and mounting monuments of death on my walls.

34) However wrong it may be, I'm still thankful for Mountain Dew.

35)  I'm thankful that people often mistake me for Bradley Cooper.

36)  Wait! Got a little out of control - that last one was not entirely honest.

37) I'm thankful that whenever someone posts something stupid on Twitter, a penny is deposited in my Cayman Island account.

38)  I'm thankful that I have never mistakenly used anchovy paste to brush my teeth.

39)  I'm thankful that nobody has ever thrown beads at me, expecting me to take off my shirt. Yet.

40)  I'm thankful that I will never, ever, ever have a picture of Santa kneeling before the baby Jesus in my house. Ever.

41)  I'm thankful that Moroni decided to go back and add those last ten chapters. Kinda important.

42)  I'm thankful that whenever I overdraw a bank account, I don't get cast into debtor's prison.

43)  I'm thankful my wife has learned that Miracle Whip is an abomination.

44)  I'm thankful that shampoo doesn't smell like it sounds.

45)  I'm thankful that all of my kids will eat broccoli, asparagus, brussel sprouts, squash, sauerkraut, fish, etc.

46)  I'm thankful that the Prophet Joseph got locked up in Liberty Jail, so that we could have D&C 121.

47)  I'm thankful that I don't have to walk 5 miles a day for clean drinking water, and I can drive 2 miles for a 44oz soda.

48)  I'm thankful that I am old enough to remember Elder LeGrande Richards.

49)  I'm thankful that the Election is over, and the world didn't come to an end. Apparently it will be more of a gradual process.

50)  I'm thankful that toilets don't operate on the same principle as garbage disposals.

51)  I'm thankful that I was done with The Brady Bunch before Cousin Oliver started showing up.

52)  I'm thankful that I have all my fingers - unlike my Jr. High Wood Shop teacher who had already lost 4. (Hopefully he changed careers soon after)

53)  I'm thankful that we can sleep at night knowing that Jack Baeur is out there keeping us safe.

54)  I'm thankful that it has been revealed that there will be tater-tots in the Celestial Kingdom. (Still trying to find the citation on this...)

55)  I'm thankful that the Millennium is not here yet, because I enjoy the whole 'growth through opposition' thing.

56)  I'm thankful that I feel absolutely no "PC" pressure to "pardon" our turkey. It's already dead.

57)  I'm thankful that most of my good friends are smarter than me. Keeps me on my toes.

58)  I'm thankful that when I go to the beach, no one has ever tried to roll me back into the ocean. So far.

59)  I'm thankful for the cool Christmas light repair gun that my EC found for me. It is miraculous, and will make my home a happier place this weekend.

60)  I'm thankful that mormon.org has not requested that I film a video segment. I'm afraid it might come off a little too "Elephant Man-ish".

61)  I'm thankful for 10 minutes of focus before Sacrament meeting starts. (Soft seats too)

62)  I'm thankful that I have incredible night vision without having to be a vampire.

63)  I am thankful that one day - hopefully before I die - Adam Sandler will stop making movies.

64)  I am thankful that I don't have to follow Jewish dietary restriction. (Meaning: I love pork products and shellfish)

65)  I am thankful for Grace Kelly. Especially in Rear Window. (Sorry, Dear)

66)  I am thankful that there are people in Africa that are alive because of humanitarian work I have been blessed to be a part of.

67)  I am thankful that I have been fortunate enough to travel extensively. (I wasn't too impressed with Scranton, PA)

68)  I am thankful for cheesecake. Just regular cheesecake - you don't need to fancy it up.

69)   I am thankful that God does not punish me swiftly or publicly. That would be painful and embarrassing. And frequent.

70)  I am thankful that I am not a victim of anything but my own bad choices.

71)  I am thankful that my sons now have the strength to do hard chores. Now for the desire.

72)  I am thankful - every workday - that when the staff leaves, I can turn off the country music.

73)  I am thankful that none of the FOMLs could be described as "Mormon Hipsters". (And I mean on-my-knees thankful.)

74)  I am thankful that my eldest is old enough and smart enough that I can ask her opinion on important matters, and not have to pretend to care what she has to say.

75)  I am thankful that our dog cannot talk. Based on his personality and behavior with his ball, he would probably never, ever shut up. Ever.

76)  I am thankful that Mozart was prolific in his short 35 years of life.

77)  I am thankful that I live in a country that won't kill me if I voice my disapproval with the government.

78)  I am thankful that the only heels I will ever wear were platform shoes in 1978. (WIth Angel Flight pants, of course.)

79)  I am thankful that my kids reach a point with their music that their practices become something I desire to listen to, rather than suffer through.

80)  I am thankful that Handcart Re-enactment Treks are not weekly occurrences.

81)  I am thankful that I don't wake up every morning and wonder what I should be doing with my life. What to do with a day off, maybe.

82)  I'm thankful that the vultures were able to help Mowgli escape from Shere Kahn.

83)  I'm thankful that Ben & Jerry's is sold in convenient, single-serving containers.

84)  I'm thankful that my deceased parents can't watch everything I do from the Spirit World. At least I hope they can't.

85)  I'm thankful that my car does not burst into flames when I drive over a lit cigarette that some moron tossed out his car window. (It is a real phobia of mine, however.)

86)  I'm thankful that I'm not one of those people who feel compelled to constantly tell everyone how much they love "Psych".

87)  I am thankful that my resemblance to George Clooney is merely superficial, because I believe in marriage and family.

88)  I am thankful that God created beaches, and I think it is a bummer that during the millennium we will lose most of them as the land masses become re-united.

89)  I am thankful that my EC and I cook together often, and that we are both good at it.

90)  I am thankful that I have never been eaten by sharks or piranhas when I have been waterskiing.

91)  I am thankful that we are not required by law to paint our houses pink for breast cancer awareness.

92)  I am thankful that I have been married for more than half my life, and that it is better than my wildest dreams.

93)  I am thankful that I didn't die from radiation poisoning from playing with broken thermometer mercury when I was a kid.

94)  I am thankful that I don't work at Victoria's Secret. I get uncomfortable just walking by, and I would get in trouble for discouraging customers from buying items that aren't flattering for their body type.

95)  I am thankful that Blogger has not deleted my account, even though there have probably been requests.

96)  I am thankful that I was too young to know anything about women's health when Tony Orlando and Dawn had the hit song "Candida".

96)  I am thankful for the traditional Thanksgiving feast, although I have been slow to embrace cranberries.

97)  I am thankful that Louis Armstrong sang "What a Wonderful World" because he was the coolest, and that's how I feel.

98)  I am thankful that my wife doesn't snore like I do.

99)  I am thankful that I live at this time, and in this place, fighting the battle with my beautiful wife by my side, in an eternal family unit, fully, inextricably immersed in the gospel of our Savior.

100)  I am thankful for my life. All of it. (I could do another 500, but you get the point.)

BONUS

101) I am thankful that so many witty, intelligent and extremely attractive people find the time to read my blog. I appreciate your comments. And thanks to all you newbies that have signed up lately. 

LDS, Mormon, humor, humorist, satire, thanksgiving

Sunday Dinner Debrief

Last week, in my post about the importance of Sunday School, (No Time For Hangman) I briefly mentioned how it is good to review what our kids learn on Sunday, preferably around the dinner table. This is the belated post talking about that very thing.

I have written about the importance of the family dinner table before, (Suppertime) but this post is Sunday specific.  Sunday dinner has the potential to become a key family tradition - a worthy tradition that can bless both the current, and the next generation. I can sum it up simply in one word.

POT ROAST with mashed potatoes and gravy. Sorry. That was more than one word.

I meant to say CONVERSATION.

Sitting around the dinner table on Sunday can provide opportunities to ask questions, learn, teach and share thoughts about important things. It takes some planning and effort to establish good traditions, and this is no exception.

Every week during dinner, everyone will inevitably get the same question from Dad. "What did you learn in Church today?" This initial foray into the debriefing process is something the FOMLs and my EC are all accustomed to. They know it's coming. Granted, sometimes it sounds like this...

So, FOML5, what did you talk about in Primary class today?
Do you mean Primary when it's everybody, or just us?
Both. Tell us what you learned in your class first, and then tell us about sharing time.
OK. In class today we learned...umm...umm...I can't remember.
Did the teachers tell any stories?
No.
What about any scriptures?
No.
So what did you do for all that time?
Kevin talked about his new Nintendo DS game.
But what did you learn in class?
Oh, I remember! (Sigh of relief to the entire family.)
Awesome - what?
We learned about Jesus. (Groan from the rest of the family)
What did you learn about Jesus?
Just Jesus stuff.

And so it goes.  But it does get better. Sometimes amazingly so.  Below is a list of thoughts that can help make your Sunday dinner a time for your family to learn and share important gospel ideas. It is worth the effort, and I promise it is something that will stick with your kids. Yes, it takes some effort on he parents part. Don't get soft on me now.

• Fight the urge to ask the kids about what they learned in the car on the way home. Why? Because the second the car stops, the conversation ends. Dinner can keep going if it is worthwhile.

• Don't you dare start eating until Mom is at the table. (Great "Christmas Story" quote: "My Mother had not had a hot meal for herself in over 15 years.)

• TV off. Not just the sound. The game will go on just fine without you. Smartphones put away.

• Start with the kid that will most likely have an answer to set the pace for the rest, and give them time to think.

• Ask questions. If it turns out that the lesson was on tithing, ask if there were any good tithing stories they could re-tell.

• One of the main benefits of this process is that it helps the kids learn how to "talk gospel." Anytime they can talk about principles, doctrines, scriptures, or tell stories, they are learning how to communicate better, and are engaging in Mission Prep.

• Just because someone is done eating does not mean dinner is over. In our home we have the archaic "May I please be excused" policy. On Sunday, often the answer is, "Not yet, we would like you to stick around for a few minutes."  Don't cave.

• Don't forget the YM & YW have two classes every Sunday that you can talk about.

• While some people might have concerns that pot roast is not in line with the Word of Wisdom, I can reassure you that it meets most of the elements in the 13th Article of Faith.

• If one of the kids has a consistently difficult time remembering what was taught, grab the teacher at Church and ask for a brief summary. Two good things happen: 1) You can prompt your child and reenforce what he/she didn't remember, and 2) Now there is a teacher who understands that your family is paying attention to what is being taught.

• If the answer for what they learned today is always the same, "We played Hangman," then have a very gentle visit with the instructor. Odds are, hangman isn't that frequent. (Hopefully)

• If someone is struggling to figure out what to share, skip them and come back to them.

• If you schedule of meetings is so packed that you cannot find time to sit down together for Sunday dinner, then something is terribly, horribly wrong. Talk to your leaders and tell them your problem.  If YOU are that leader that over-schedules, then knock it off, and get your priorities back in order.

• When someone has a question other than "What's for dessert?" I usually let the other kids take a crack at answering before I try and be all fatherly-wise. Most of the time the older kids know the answer, or Mom will.

• Yes this all sounds like the "Family Patriarch gathering his posterity to teach the Gospel." Exactly. Now you're getting it.

• Bad doctrine will inevitably come up in these conversations. It comes from 2 places: 1) Bad listening/understanding, or 2)  The teacher is teaching incorrect doctrine.  THIS is the moment where the dinnertime debrief really pays off. Gently correct the mistakes without being judgmental towards the teacher.

• If she isn't serving somewhere else, be sure to ask Mom what she learned in Relief Society.

• Fathers should use discretion in sharing what went on in High Priest group, because of the high probability that it got wacky, or boring.

• If you are lucky enough to have grandparents with you, involve them, but be careful because once they get rolling....

• Sacrament talks can be a good topic as well.

• Turn of the TV and the smartphones. (Just in case you missed it the first time.  Oh, and you don't really have to answer the phone during dinner.)

• You will see a gradual evolution as the kids become accustomed to this tradition. They will start listening more closely in class, and will try harder to remember what they learned - because they know they will be asked about it later.

• Mostly, this is a time to teach, using what the kids learned that day as a springboard to deeper discussions.  As I mentioned before, I would be very concerned if my children gained a lot of new doctrinal knowledge at Church on Sundays, because that would mean that I am relegating my role as father to others. A ten-year-old listening to his fifteen-year-old brother try and explain how the Plan of Salvation works will make an impact on both kids. This is how you get there.


Three of my five FOMLs are now out of the house.  I miss them - especially around the dinner table.  But, I am glad that we took the time to have a leisurely Sunday dinner tradition. It has been delicious, satisfying and nutritious.

And I'm not talking about pot roast.

--------

(Epilogue:  Determined to practice what I preach, we focused on the Gospel tonight during dinner. We sat around the table talking about Shiz's beheading and the Jaredite decline - that was the 10 year old. Then I asked the teenager what they talked about in SS class.

"Nothing."

Nothing? for forty minutes? We pressed, and managed to get, "We just kind of talked about what the "Gospel" meant. You know."  I told him that was good, and asked how he would define it. He just sat there.

I asked again, and was told, "You can all stare at me all you want. but it isn't going to make me remember something."

I thought you might like to know that it is, indeed, a long, slow road...)

A Convenient Contrast

Anyone who has followed my blog knows that I have entertained myself over the years by poking fun at the "Twilight" series, and it's legion of lightly-imbalanced fans. I hope you know it was all in good fun. Besides, I honestly can't fault the Twi-hards for taking something utterly mediocre and treating it like it is wonderful.  I get it. I am much the same way - I enjoy watching Wipeout sometimes.

This might not matter to some, but, in an unplanned and amazing coincidence, "Breaking Dawn 2" was not the only movie to be released lately. Another movie has been re-released which does more to establish BD2's rightful place in film lore than any snide comments I could possibly make.

This month, in honor of it's 50th Anniversary, the movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" is being re-released in some areas. It is truly one of THE great ones. Based on the book by Harper Lee, "Mockingbird " stars a non-sparkly Gregory Peck as Atticus, and a newly discovered Robert Duvall as Boo Radley. Apparently, many years later, Kristen Stewart went to the Boo Radley School of Acting. And of course the adorable Scout.

THIS MOVIE WAS IMPORTANT. It mattered. It still does.  It dealt with deep themes such as racism, parenting, courage, kindness and countless others. One tiny example: When Atticus walks out of the courtroom without looking up... Those who have seen it know what I mean.

When the American Film Institute ranked the Best Movies of All Time. Mockingbird came in at #34.  It should have been much higher, because some are movies ahead of it are ones we shouldn't be watching. I would put it in the Top Ten, and maybe higher.

If you have yet to see "To Kill a Mockingbird," please, please see it. If you can't see it on the big screen, rent it. Or better yet, buy it.  If your kids didn't watch it in Junior High or High School, sit them down next to you and have them watch it with you. Pause and talk.  Trust me on this one.

And there's only one. Harper Lee only wrote the one book, and they just made the one movie. There was no sequel, or trilogy. They knew when to stop back then.

(Note:  I tried to name one of my sons Atticus, but failed. I tried for the dog, but failed there as well. Couldn't get Scout for the dog either.)

Robert Duvall as Boo Radley with Scout

No, Atticus is not a "hipster."

Giving Birth (Without all the mess and zero pain)

Tah-dah!  Announcing...

Yes, it is true.  And just in the nick of time.  Christmas is right around the corner, and now, you can give the gift of MMM. Not MMM exactly, but something from MMM. It is a small book, with pictures and not a lot of words so even UofU fans can enjoy it.

"Failed Family Mottos" is the perfect gift for someone that you don't want to spend a lot of money on, but still make them feel special. It is a full-color gift book filled with things to make you smile and wince. Often simultaneously.

Buy BEFORE December 1st, and I will make sure it is in your hands by December 10th - just in time to hide it, and forget where you put it until the day after Christmas.  AND you can get a personalized, signed copy with a heartfelt "shout-out" to you, or your loved one.

Purchase AFTER December 1st, and you'll be taking your chances because the first print run is small.

The price? $7.95. A pittance, really.
A small price to pay for joy and happiness. (And you might enjoy it too.)

Shipping and handling: $2.50, for up to 5 books, Then $5.00 for 6 and up. International? Dunn yet - email me.

Still not convinced? Here are actual Failed Family Mottos from the book "Failed Family Mottos".  Some of you are thinking, "I'm going to try and find his old post that had some of these." But alas, it is no longer there. I wasn't born yesterday, and I understand there is something about free cows and milk and the dairy industry and book publishing.

But here is a handful of free samples. Please do not "Pin" these.  Thanks!

How could you possibly go wrong?!

Order today at MMM Marketplace

Thanks!

LDS Mormon Gifts Christmas Humor Satire Humorist

No Time for Hangman

Everything changed at October General Conference - at least for the youth and anyone who works with them, The reduced age requirements of 18/19 make everything we do with the youth - as parents and church leaders - more important, and more urgent.

Better. Stronger. Faster.

or maybe Better. Stronger. Sooner.

So who has the "Bully Pulpit" in teaching our youth? (FYI, "Bully Pulpit" is a phrase coined by Teddy Roosevelt that means a position that provides an outstanding opportunity to speak out, and be listened to on any issue. The term "Bully" is not like the kid who stole your lunch in elementary school, it is means 'wonderful' as in "Bully for you.")

What's your guess? Who has the Bully Pulpit for our youth? Who is actually in front of our youth teaching them the most?

That's easy! President Monson, right? Wrong. Our kids maybe hear from President Monson 2-3 hours a year.

Well then it has to be the Bishop, right?  Wrong again. Between talks and firesides the Bishop might get to teach the youth 4-5 hours a year.

I made a series of highly scientific guesses to figure out who has the most face-time teaching our kids.

1) Seminary Teacher:  120 hours per year. 40 minutes per school day, 180 days a year. Think your kids don't need to be in Seminary? Think again.

2)  Mom & Dad:  110 hours per year. Sadly, home is not where your teenagers will get the most religious instruction. Some teenagers are rarely home. Even if you are trying hard and doing what is counseled, it doesn't add up to much time. A realistic take? Family scripture study - 12 min per day, 300 days a year. FHE 1 hour per week, 50 weeks per year (1/2 of them activities) Spontaneous religious discussions 30 minutes per week. Hopefully you have a good head start from when they were younger.

3) Sunday School Instructor: 30 hours per year.  40 minutes per Sunday, 45 weeks a year. Solid teaching time - no fluff, no filler. In theory.)

4) YM/YW Leaders: 17 hours per year. This is a little more convoluted. 30 minutes each Sunday lesson, 1 hour each week for Mutual. 45 weeks per year:  67.5 hours max.  But, in reality, it doesn't work that way. Mutual is rarely about teaching doctrine or things that matter. In some wards it is merely a playtime with dodgeballs or fingernail polish. In my opinion, one of the greatest tragedies of the Church is wasted Mutual time. But I digress... (I've already written about it here, and here.)

Opening exercises use up a lot of time YW and Priesthood on Sunday, usually leaving the teacher with less than 30 minutes to teach - and this time is usually split or rotated among 2-3 instructors, advisors, etc. Because of this, I'm going with this math: Sunday lesson time, 30 minutes per week, 45 weeks per year. Mutual 1 hour per month, 34.5 hours split by 2 people ending up with about 17 hours.


What jumps out at you? Sunday School. Did you think that the lowly Sunday School teacher has more facetime with your kids that anyone else, other than you or the Seminary teacher?

You might have already thought about this, but I never really "got it" until I made the switch from being Gospel Doctrine instructor to Bishop. I quickly realized that I had much more time with the adults of the ward as a Sunday School teacher, and I missed it. Sure, as a Bishop, I could speak in Church, have 5th Sunday meetings, and firesides, but nothing nearly as consistent as teaching Gospel Doctrine.

If you do the same math above for adults, you take out #1, #2 and #4, and you are left with the stark realization that the person in your life who is in front of you teaching the gospel most is your Gospel Doctrine teacher. (Bishops take note.)

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I am currently serving as a Sunday School instructor for a class of teenagers - most of which have declared their intentions to serve missions. It is a great calling, and I wouldn't mind being here for a long time. It is a great place to be at an exciting time.

When President Monson announced the missionary age changes, I immediately knew that it would impact me in my calling., I would have to do things differently. I am sure I'm not alone. I have been making some changes, contemplating others.

Here are a few thoughts about being a Sunday School. (Feel free to cross-apply it to any teaching calling.) I know that all of you aren't in that calling - but you might be - and most of you are in those classes, or have kids in those classed, so I broke it down into three categories: Sunday School Instructors, Parents & Youth.

Instructors

• Learn about the new youth curriculum, Come Follow Me, that will be implemented in January. Link here.  If we start learning and implementing the methods now, we will be that much ahead in January.

• Consume the manual "Teaching: No Greater Call."  Link here. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

• Recognize a sense of urgency and importance. There is no longer time for spending the whole class playing hangman. Same for trashcan basketball, or any other time-wasters. This time is precious and valuable! We need to use it productively.

• We have 30 hours a year to teach the Gospel to those preparing missionaries. They have one or two years less to prepare than they used to. How will we use it? How much will we waste chatting, playing, or having fake "review lessons" because we are unprepared? We need to make a commitment to be an excellent, prepared teacher.

• Have the Spirit with you. "And if ye receive not the Spirit, ye shall not teach." D&C 42:14  It requires both worthiness and preparation to deserve His help.

• Prepare by learning the doctrine, but also by figuring out a way to present it so that it will "stick." in their minds and hearts. I do not mean fancy handouts, or cutesy fluff. I mean stories, experiences, object lessons.  The "spice" to brighten up a lesson, and capture attention.

• Leave the treats and cookies at home. Send them off with something better, instead of having the final takeaway from the lesson be cookies. (You also set an unfair precedent for the teacher that gets them next.)

• Acknowledge that when you "wing it" because of lack of preparation, we aren't nearly as good as we'd like to think we are. In my opinion, those think they excel at "winging it" usually just ramble a lot.  Hint: If you are seeing the lesson in manual for the first time in Sacrament meeting, you have already blown it.  Also, if you are reading the lesson out of the manual during the lesson, you could do better.

• Challenge your class members to do something every week: Write in their journal, do some service, go to the temple - something to encourage them to stretch and actually apply the concept they learned that day.

• Involve the youth in the actual teaching of the class every week. Have them take turns. Give them an assignment to teach a concept from the lesson. Offer to help them prepare well in advance.

• Testify with the Spirit, so your youth can feel it, and learn how to do it.

Parents

• Remind your kids to take their scriptures to Church.

• Have family scripture study and FHE regularly.  Sunday School should be a reenforcement of things they have already learned in your home. They should rarely come home with some major doctrine or teaching that is new to them.

• Talk about what they learned in Sunday School - preferably around the dinner table. (Link here)  I deleted the rest of this bullet, because it was so long I figured it should be its own mini-post.  I'll put it up later.

• Know what they are learning. Once in a while you will find that they have been taught faulty doctrine, or misunderstood something that you will need to correct. (Which means you know the correct doctrine.)

• Don't be afraid to talk to your teenagers teacher, should there be specific needs or challenges that would be helpful for the teacher to know about.

Youth

• Bring your scriptures to Church. You need them. Preferably hard copy - because you won't be using your iPhone in the mission field.

• Ask questions, and look at Sunday School as an opportunity to really learn.

• Put away the phone.

• If a teacher says "Go home and read..."  Do it!

• Really, put away the phone.

• Flaunt your maturity. Don't chat with each other when the teacher is talking. Be polite. And awake.

• Take challenges and assignments seriously. THey will help you gain a greater understanding of the concept being taught - and this models exactly what you will be doing in the mission field.

• When asked to participate in teaching the class, do it happily and willingly! This is excellent mission prep in a safe zone. This is what missionaries do: Teach gospel principles with the Spirit. You can too. Start now.

-----

Teaching Sunday School is one of the best callings in the Church, and it is now more important than ever. We have these youth for a short season, and then they are gone. Let's up our level of commitment, preparation, and Spirituality.

I hope you have a great Sabbath, and particularly enjoy Sunday School.

One Last Post-Mortem

MMM Note:  I am turning on comment moderation, because I don't want it to descend into a political battle. This is about spiritual things, not political.

"The Thinker" by Rodin. Please ignore the bird poop on his head.

 A good friend of mine emailed this to me after the election. I found it insightful, so I asked if I could share it.  (This is the type of stuff we banter about when we are just goofing off.  Right.)  This is the same friend who wrote this awesome post about consecration, here.  I hope you find this interesting, whichever side of the political chasm you reside on.

The Lord is preparing our country and the world for the Second Coming.  Mitt running has done wonders for exposing the church to the world.  There are very few people who can now say they have never heard of the Mormon Church.  As we are preparing missionaries to serve at younger ages and changing curriculum to meet that need, it doesn't seem coincidental.  Mass exposure to the church and a major upswing in the number of missionaries serving represents a hastening of the work.  

If Mitt had won last night, automatically 50% of the country would be turned off to the missionaries when they knock on their door.  As if their job isn't hard enough, now the defeated and angry losing party would have a wholesome and healthy target on which to take their frustrations out.  Could the Lord afford to lose 50% of potential converts at a time when the work is ramping up?  I don't think so.

Mitt lost with grace and class last night.  The world saw a man, humbled by defeat but courteous, kind, cheerful... in other words, being the boy scout we have always known and would expect him to be.

If he had won, the world media would have over the next four years, taken everything we consider sacred and defiled it, making it the punchline of every joke on the late night TV circuit.  How would that have accomplished the Lord's purpose?  I don't think it would have.

I take solace in knowing that 15 men are called as prophets, seers, and revelators and that their response was sincere, kind and a class move.  They aren't concerned about the state of politics; they are concerned about the state of men's souls.  The state of the economy,if it continues to spiral downward will humble the proud and when their government fails them, they will be forced to turn to their creator.  I find comfort in realizing that we are raising a generation that will "bring the world his truth" and I think that Mitt losing, as painful as it was, may just have been the launching off point for the greatest conversion cycle in history.

Thanks for the reminder that there is a much bigger, and more important, picture.