Rats! I Forgot Two Anger Quotes (now with animals!)

Sorry, please indulge me as I add two amazing, quotes to the discussion on anger that I said was finished.

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“A man who cannot control his temper is not very likely to control his passion, and no matter what his pretensions in religion, he moves in daily life very close to the animal plane” 

President David O. McKay, Improvement Era, June 1958, p. 407.

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“We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is  some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse  that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular  acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.

On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats:  it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.  The rats are  always there  in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.”

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity.

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Yes, you have my permission to go back and read them both again, I'll wait....


Back?  Amazing, aren't they?!  I intended to use both of them, but they got away from me.

Special thanks to "Anonymous" for directing me to this quote.  I get a lot of comments from "Anonymous", and I must say that he/she is wildly inconsistent.

Anger: We're in the Wrong Business

This is probably, maybe, hopefully the last post about anger for a while.  To loyal readers, I hope that discussing anger has been an interesting process for you, as it has for me, as I work through something that I find challenging.  If you are new to this blog, here are some of the links that led up to this one.  Check out the comments as well. 

Temper, Temper
Clearing Things Up
Anger: Mission Impossible?
The Orange Juice Story
The Virtue of Parsley

This post is long. It has to be.

I left off with the big question, "Is the spark of anger a sin?"  I think many of s agree that acting in anger is a sin, and dwelling on angry thoughts is a sin, but what about the "spark," the inception?

--Before proceeding, I need to clearly state that I personally believe that a current teaching that is floating around the pop-psychology world, and making in-roads into the Church is blatantly false, and spiritually dangerous. The teaching is the idea that emotions are neither good, nor bad, they are merely "neutral information" that we need to process - hence, you should allow yourself to feel the emotion, and not repress it in order to maintain your "integrity."

Nonsense. I defy anyone to tell me that the emotion of love I feel towards my EC is not good. I also defy anyone to justify that feeling lust towards some lady I see is "neutral information,' and not bad. How do I know this?  God said.  I refuse to justify my struggles with putting off the 'Natural Man' by pretending good and evil do not exist within me.  I know there are those of you who disagree. All I can say is that if you can find a single theological justification for this concept, I can cite you back a thousand quotes and scriptures that teach just the opposite.

I do understand why that concept would be attractive. It lessens guilt, as it removes a major, difficult struggle that we all contend with. Please be careful, and walk, don't run from any teaching that tells you not to worry about things the Lord has told you to avoid.

-- OK, I'm back.  Sorry, that kind of stuff really "pushes my buttons." I need to work on that.

Quickly: I am proceeding with the resolve that feeling a spark of anger is a sin.  Why? Two quick quotes:

President Thomas S. Monson: "To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible."  ("School Thy Feelings, O My Brother," October Conference, 2009)

Elder Lynn Robbins: "Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step from eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: "I will never become angry again." Ponder this resolution." ("Agency and Anger," April Conference, 2008)

Feel free to read these quotes again, or the entire talks they come from. Both can be life-altering.

The prophet says that getting angry is our choice. The prophets, and the Lord also teach us that this is not just an issue of emotion, it is an issue of agency. (That was the point of my orange juice story.)

So, the way my brain, and my heart, process this, is that if I use my agency to choose what God has deemed wrong, is a sin. (That was a long way to go to tell you what you already knew I thought.)

Therefore...from this point on, I will proceed with the following stipulations:

1) Anger is a sin - all three forms:  The spark, the fuse, and the explosion.
2) It is an issue of agency. We chose to be angry - or not.
3) It is possible to "never become angry again."

(I might need to go take a nap now...)

That's a pretty high bar that's been set, isn't it? Never get angry? Yet I believe it is possible.  Why? Because I have achieved it. Yes, that's right, I, MMM, have experienced the ability to completely excise anger from my life, to the point where not even the spark could ignite. Impressed?  Don't be.

Twice. It happened twice. (That I can think of.) Oh no, it is not a current, or frequent state of being for me. But it did happen!  Two quick stories:

Story #1  When I was called to serve as a bishop, the week preceding the call, and the week after, were two of the most spiritually intense periods of time that I have ever experienced.  There was a little problem with timing.  When I was set apart, the very next day my family and I left on a week-long vacation that had already been planned, and paid for.

After the vacation, my EC asked FOML#1, "Does Dad seem any different, now that he is the bishop."  My daughter responded by saying, "Yes, he is different. We went on vacation for an entire week, and he never got mad at anyone." (This is a far greater feat than you might think.)

Story #2  One time FOML#1 (again) borrowed my truck for a road-trip and promptly plowed it into the back of a semi-truck - full speed on the freeway.  We were terrified. When we were able to talk to her she was worried about the truck, and terribly apologetic. I could not have cared less about the truck at that moment, and told her so - I was worried about my girl.  I never gave it much thought, but apparently she did. A little later, she thanked me for not getting mad at her. I was surprised, because it had never even crossed my mind to get angry. I guess that spark could have had an excuse to be lit - but it wasn't.

In both instances, my mind, heart and disposition were such that the expected sparks never lit - and sadly, it was so out-of-character that even my loved ones noticed. But the anger-sparking mechanism was effectively suppressed. It wasn't that I felt anger, but did a better job dealing with it - it was that I did not have angry thoughts.

Why?  What had changed?  I think these two stories exemplify two concepts that can make the seemingly impossible, possible.

1)The presence of the Holy Ghost, and 2) The gift of charity.

A scripture from Moroni about charity: Moroni 7:45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all thngs, hopeth all things, and endureth all things.

I don't know if Moroni could do bold text with metalwork tools, so I took the liberty of highlighting terms in this verse that I think have a direct application to anger.  Yes, most of his definition of charity is included.

It would seem that having charity in our hearts can turn off our natural response mechanisms. This is one of the goals of earth life, right? I think we would all agree that anger is a natural human response.

Mosiah 319:  "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him..."

(Again, I took the liberty of bolding some things that have direct application to anger, and again, most of the scripture is anti-anger)

What do we do with "natural" responses? We put them off. We don't embrace them, evaluate them, and coddle them. We trust the power of the Holy Ghost to help us get rid of them and become more saint-like.

Remember a long time ago, at the beginning of the post I mentioned that something "pushes my buttons?"  We use that term a lot to describe how certain things and people seem to have an ability to trigger the spark of anger in our hearts. Some people are really, really good at it - often the people we love most.

We spend a lot of time as saints, and as a society, figuring out ways to handle the results of those buttons being pushed. That's what anger-management is. We work hard to control our actions, our reactions, our words, our aggression, all based on handling the response to our buttons being pushed. It is a huge expenditure of our emotional energy.

Maybe we are in the wrong business.  Perhaps, instead of being in the "Button Suppression Business," we need to be in the "Button Removal Business." If we get rid of those buttons, nobody can find them to push them. If nobody can find them to push them, then we don't need to deal with our reactions, because there aren't any!

In my experience, we spend way more time in thought, prayer, and counseling trying to overcome the way we respond to our buttons being pushed than we do in trying to remove those very buttons. I know I have prayed more for the Lord to help me CONTROL my temper than I have for Him to REMOVE my temper. But, as we discussed, it is possible to remove those buttons.

How? The Holy Ghost can change our hearts and remove those buttons. The gift of charity can soften our hearts and change our view of those around us. That is the only way I can see how following Elder Robbin's challenge is remotely possible.

Here's a big question:  Do we have enough faith in the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost that we believe he can re-wire our minds an hearts so that thoughts of anger, pride, lust, envy no longer occur? Or do we think His power to sanctify us is limited? It is one or the other.

Now I'm not saying we don't need to keep working on controlling our responses, but we need to give equal time to button removal.  Here's a couple of tips from Mormon and Moroni:

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.  Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father will all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love which he has bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son Jesus Christ. (Moroni 7:46-47)

And...

After the remission of sins bringeth meekness and lowliness of heart; and because of the meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer... (Moroni 8:26)

The button removal process, as I see it, is this.

1) Repent and be baptized. Weekly if necessary through the sacrament.
2) Gain and keep the companionship of the Holy Ghost.
3) Pray specifically for charity. Not once, but continually.
4) Let the Spirit do the heavy lifting as it strives to remodel our hearts.

I have met many people who have seemed to let go of their "buttons" as they have gotten older and wiser. I don't know if it is from wisdom gained, or spiritual refinement. I think the latter. I do know, from my personal experience, that those buttons can be removed, or disabled - temporarily or permanently - if we have the Spirit with us, and pure love in our hearts.

It is possible to remove those buttons, because with God, all things are possible.

The Virtue of Parsley

When I was a kid, you knew you were eating fancy when there was some parsley on the plate. Just a little touch of green garnish to brighten things up.  You don't see that as much anymore. Every single time one of us would ask my dad why there was parsley on the plate, he would tell us that it was for decoration, and try to get us to eat some. He claimed that it would make our breath fresh. It was nasty.

To me growing up,  garnish = parsley.

There is one very important scripture that uses the term garnish:  D&C 121:45. The fact that it is in Section 121 makes it an important word.  (The revealed word doesn't get any better that Section 121.) Here is the verse:

"Let they bowels be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven."

But "garnish?"  I don't think so.  Decorating my thoughts with virtue? I would hope that virtue can do more than that for me. I have heard it explained many different ways, some hearkening back to Old English, but none of the explanations haven't done much for me.

Since I don't like the use of the word "garnish" in this scripture as I grew to understand it, I was happy to find a better, different way to read it. (This was not my idea, but I can't remember where I heard it. And if you already knew this, then you are smarter than me.) 

Have you ever heard about someone owing back taxes, or child support, or a fine, and the IRS or the Court decided that they were going to take possession of the debtors money?  That is called a "garnishment." As in "they are going to garnish his wages." If your wages get garnished, someone else takes possession or control of your money.

I like that a lot better. Let Virtue garnish my thoughts. I don't need Virtue to decorate my thoughts.  I need Virtue to take control of my thoughts.

In D&C 88:40, it says that "virtue loveth virtue,"

But I don't love parsley.

A Sort of Pilgrimage

I imagine that Pioneer Day would be the perfect time to talk about pilgrimages.  We owe so much to our pioneer heritage.

Last week, I too had a sort of pilgrimage - but more on that later...

Religious pilgrimages are not unique to our faith - in fact other faiths take them much more seriously.  For example:

Mecca:  In Islam, a pilgrimage to Mecca is supposed to be attempted at least once in a lifetime. Mecca is the most important of all Muslim pilgrimages.

The Wailing Wall: In Judaism, the greatest pilgrimage is to visit the Western Wall of the temple in Jerusalem. It is the most sacred of all Jewish sites, and people travel from all over the world to visit.

The Vatican: Home of the Catholic Church is a pilgrimage destination for many, as well as other sites around the world associated with the Apostles, and the Virgin Mary.

The Mormons:  Pilgrimages are not a requirement of the LDS theology, but we do like to visit sites that hold special meaning for us. The Sacred Grove, the Hill Cumorah, Nauvoo, Temple Square, etc., hold special places in our heritage.

And a Personal Destination:: After seeing the Hill Cumorah Pageant, there was one more place I needed to go. My EC understood that it was important to me and she was supportive.  So we set out together. The clouds gathered and it threatened rain as we set out- but we were undeterred, undaunted. It was to be a journey of over 100 miles. But with guidance from my trusty navigator, and a good car stereo, we knew we would arrive at our destination.

My pulse quickened as we began to get close. When our destination came into view, I found myself struggling to find the words. After all these years - there it was - directly in front of me.

Yes, there it was. The Anchor Bar.  I know you are probably feeling jealous right now.  We parked our car and walked to the door.  What? You don't understand? Really?  It was in that very place that Teressa Bellissimo changed history.  On a Friday night, in 1964, she fried the first Buffalo wing.  And covered it with sauce. And here we stood, at the very place, on a Friday night, in Buffalo, New York. 

Moments like this don't come around every day.

We went inside, and experienced exactly what we had hoped for.  Rather than try and put it into words, I will merely show you an image of the fulfillment of my pilgrimage. With blue cheese of course.

I was fulfilled.

Actual photo of 20 wings with Original sauce.

Special reminder:  This Sunday, July 29, is National Chicken Wing Day.

The Orange Juice Story

I was ready for departure. My seatbelt was fastened. My seatback and tray table were in their upright and locked positions. My backpack was stowed underneath the seat in front of me. My electronics were turned off.

 I was ready to go.

The pocket in front of me held a paperback novel, my iPod, noise-reduction headphones, sleep goggles, and a bottle of water. My backpack held snacks, and my laptop.

I was prepared.

My shoes were already off, and I was wearing comfy socks. As was my custom (read here), I was wearing my BYU t-shirt. For pants I was wearing some loose, comfortable khakis.

I was comfortable.

The reason I needed to be ready, prepared, and comfortable is that I was on my way to Africa - and it is a long trip. The flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg is the third-longest commercial flight in operation.

17 hours. No layovers, no changing planes. 17 hours in one seat. Luckily I got an aisle seat, but it was still coach.

The lady sitting next to me in the center seat was not as prepared as I was. She was trying to get her things put away and fasten her seatbelt with one hand. The other hand held a large orange juice that she had brought on board from the McDonalds in the concourse.

She was flustered, so I offered her the use of my tray table while she got her things together. She set the orange juice down, and finished up.  She sat back in her seat and sighed. We introduced each other and exchanged pleasantries. If you are going to be sitting next to someone for 17 hours, it is wise to get off to a good start. She was a bit older than me, but not elderly, and she was friendly.

She noticed her orange juice was still on my tray table and thanked me. Somehow as she reached for it, she caught her sleeve on the corner of the table - it flipped it up - just enough to dump the entire contents of the orange juice cup into my lap. All of it.

Unable to jump up, or do anything quickly, I could feel the orange juice seep into my pants, and beneath.  I glanced over at the lady - she was aghast. She sat there motionless with her hand covering her mouth. I felt bad for her.

I picked up the cup, put up my tray table, and undid my seatbelt. As I stood up, I expected to see a puddle of juice on my seat - but there wasn't one. Apparently my khakis and underwear were very absorbent. I looked over at the lady again and she was still frozen in place with tears in her eyes.  I told her "It's OK, it was an accident. I'm going to go see if I can get this cleaned up."

As I went to the rear of the plane to the bathroom, the aisle was blocked by a very stern flight attendant. "Sir, you are going have to return to your seat - we are about ready to take off."

"Look," I said, motioning to my crotch. I looked like a 3 year-old that had had an accident. She understood. "Oh no! Go ahead, but you only have a minute. Hurry."

I went into the bathroom grabbed as many paper towels as I could and dropped my pants. I soaked up what I could (not much) and rinsed off what I could, (not much) in the brief time before the flight attendant started knocking and telling me it was time for take-off.

I pulled up my pants, rinsed my hands and went back to my seat. This was going to be a long, sticky flight.

The orange juice lady had regained some composure, and when I sat down she immediately apologized again. I told her it was OK.

Then she said something that really caught me off guard. "Thank you so much for not getting mad at me."  I reiterated that I knew it was an accident, and that I was fine.

As we began to taxi, I mulled over what she had said. It was true. I had not gotten angry with her - it hadn't even crossed my mind. Things had happened so quickly that I really hadn't had time.

Then another thought crossed my mind, and I chuckled to myself, "If that had been one of my kids, or my wife, I would have let them have it."

Then I stopped chuckling - because it was true: Had it been my wife, or one of my kids - the people that I love most in this life - I would have unloaded on them. Yet this complete stranger got a pass.

The flight was going to be long.

And sticky.

And pensive.

The Spectacular Amid the Spectacle

Note: As I just realized that today is my 400th post. Crazy.

Last night my EC and I attended the Hill Cumorah Pageant. It is something I have always wanted to do - but have never done. As I mentioned previously, we celebrated our 26th anniversary on Wednesday, and on a whim, I whisked my wife away to upstate New York.  It was a good choice. 

This post is not to "review" the pageant from a critical approach, but share my experience. 

As we were driving to Palmyra, it began to rain. We whipped into a Dollar General store and bought 2 rain ponchos. Neither of which cost a dollar...

When we arrived, what looked like an Elder's Quorum with orange vests directed the parking with ruthless efficiency. It was about 2.5 before showtime, on a Thursday, so it wasn't too crowded yet. We walked down through to the seating area and looked for a seat. In true Mormon fashion, the majority of the close seats were saved with tape, books, blankets, ropes, etc. It was like Sacrament meeting pews on steroids.  We did find some good seats amongst some lovely senior citizens from Orem.

I was impressed by the size of the stage. It was huge. It is a multi-level set, built right into the side of the actual Hill Cumorah. There were big league lighting towers, wires, riggings and all the hallmarks that they knew what they were doing.

Conformists that we are, we put our blanket on our chairs and wandered off to find some dinner. There is a giant food tent with chicken, burgers, etc., provided by local Palmyra civic groups. I don't know how they feel about Mormons, but they must feel great about the Pageant - they were raking it in. I was just what you would expect, OK food at crazy prices.

As the thousands gathered, most everyone seemed to be in a peaceful, good mood. Granted, it wouldn't be an LDS event without some protesters.  These guys were my favorites:

Apparently, protesting from this distance is a two-man job: One to hold the sign, and the other to spout ridiculous nonsense into a megaphone. I must admit, of all the protesters I have ever heard, this guy was actually the funniest. He has apparently worked on his material over the years.  Misguided, but funny.

We retrieved our forgotten bag of Starbursts from the car and wandered back to our seats. It was still raining a bit, but not too bad. At this point, the cast members - in full costume - were out mingling with the crowd. Most had a Book of Mormon in hand, and referred to it to share a scripture with whomever would let them.  They were sweet.

A pair of costumed young men struck up a conversation with some folks on our row, and discussed the gospel with them. It was great to watch these teenage boys  - all they will need to do to be fabulous full-time missionaries is to turn nineteen and put on a suit and tie.  At the end of the conversation, the boys left with a referral card in hand, leaving behind their testimonies and a promise that a Book of Mormon would be brought to their home.

It was about this time that my phone battery died. I think it was divine intervention. Instead of posting pictures and bantering on Facebook with my bad-influence friends, I could focus on the event itself.

The rain dissipated as showtime neared. No, I was not surprised. The night air was cool and clean. The cast members gathered, and everyone took their seats. At precisely 9:15pm, the show began.

The show is huge, and spectacular. There are 700 or so performers, an excellent sound system, and great source material. (I'm not going to worry about spoilers, because if you don't know the ending by now, you need to be reading something else besides this blog.)

The story followed the Book of Mormon through Lehi, Nephi, Abinadi, Alma to Samuel the Lamanite. I was mostly focused on the staging, lighting, special effects and overall scale of the show. Then came the scene where there was great destruction, after which Christ descended from the skies. It was cool. Of course I was wondering more about the rigging they used to lower him, and admiring the staging as Jesus ministered to the people. I looked over to my EC as a little child rushed into Jesus' arms.  She was crying.  I wasn't...

The story proceeded to the time of the final battle where Mormon turns the plates over to his son Moroni.

After one more battle, Moroni was left wandering the empty stage alone. He approached the audience, with his arms outstretched, holding the golden plates. He then begged with the familiar words

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true..."(Moroni 10:4)

Yes, I've read and heard these words a thousand times.  But as this blessed actor spoke them, I felt the Spirit wash over me with a depth and power I have rarely felt in my life. Tears poured from my eyes and I found myself short of breath. It was one of the most real, tangible spiritual witnesses I have ever had. (I can't even type it without having to stop and wipe my eyes.)

I was surprised - this was unexpected. I did not "need" another witness to the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, and I wasn't looking for one. My testimony doesn't know any "more" today that I did last week. But, in God's kindness, I was blessed with a divine reassurance, for which I am grateful.  It is true. Always has been.

When I went into the pageant, I was wondering how, and if, something as delicate as the communication from the Spirit could find its way through the spectacle, the special effects the volume and the masses.

The answer is yes. And I highly recommend it.

26

26 years ago this morning, my new eternal companion and I emerged from a holy temple into the blazing sunlight of a July afternoon. Best day of my life.  Still.

25 gets all the attention. The "Silver Anniversary," the "Quarter of a Century." 25 was also fun because it marked the halfway point in my life where I have now been married longer than I was single. But the big 25 kind of got sidetracked last year. The needs of the family we created back in 1986 took priority over our self-congratulations. As they should.

26 is here, and I am excited. I might be a little more focused and aware because a few weeks ago we had our first FOMLs get married - and it was good, and happy, and eternal. I know the newlyweds love each other like crazy, but they have no idea how much it will grow and evolve.

26 years gives you time to step back and look at things with proportion and perspective. I absolutely loved my EC on our wedding day. But that love is a mere introduction to what I feel now. I wonder and thrill at the prospect of what it will feel like 25 years further down the road - or 3 billion.

I am happily married.  More importantly, WE are happily married - and the balance is a good thing.  I have chunks of my life where I labored to help people try and restore the love they once had - a love they lost then grew to deny. It is heart-breaking. And completely avoidable.

There is a secret to happy marriages:

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion."

Gordon B. Hinckley, "What God Hath Joined Together."

That is what my EC does for me, and what I try and do for her. And it works.  That is the secret to a happy marriage. Yes, romance is not all that important to a happy marriage - but take a happy marriage, and add that romance, and you have a blissful marriage. Or at least I do.

Happy 26, Sweetheart! I love you!

PS:  Almost forgot - I'm already at the office finishing stuff up.   I probably had better tell you that we are leaving town in about 4 hours. Shoes you can walk in. Maybe a sweater. Charge up your Kindle. Everything else is taken care of.  See you soon!

Church Finances: A Closer Look

There is a lot of hullabaloo out there about a news article that looks into Church finances. Bloomberg Businessweek website is currently running an article entitled "How Mormons Make Money."  The proper response to this is "They make money very well, thank you."

Personally, I don't lose a moment of sleep worrying about the way the Church handles the money or its finances. Once I seal the envelope and hand it to the Bishop - it isn't my money anymore.  And I do that because God asks me to. I also don't have a problem that the Church is a good steward of the money it receives. If they can turn 5 talents into 10 talents - awesome.

The article was pretty biased, and attempted to make the Church look like it is more about making money that saving souls. Anyone who has served in the Church in callings, in the lay ministry, or humanitarian endeavors knows that this is utter nonsense.

Read the article if you want, but it is not that important.  It wasn't even that well researched. They did find out some things that most of us probably don't know, but they didn't dig very deep.  Had they really done their homework, they could have found out some really interesting tidbits.

By some strange coincidence, I happen to be privy to 13 of those tidbits right here!

• Upwards of 12% of total Church revenue goes to donuts for youth activities.

• Up to 63% of all liquid Church funds are held in 3-compartment boxes labeled "Savings • Spending • Mission."

• The YM/YW annual costs would double if leaders actually turned in their gas receipts for reimbursement.

• The Church does not have representation present during professional LDS athlete's contract negotiations.

• It has been determined that funding for "Christmas in July" and "Super Saturday's" is probably not considered "money-laundering."

• Based on Fast Offering contributions, most Church members are either eating caviar, or food storage wheat.

• Most wards contribute hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to "Friends of Scouting" to support the National Organization. In return, each of those wards receive approximately $7.31 in annual support from the National Organization.

• The single fastest-growing Church expenditure is for t-shirts. It has been speculated that the Church could greatly expand its net worth by selling City Creek Mall, and opening an online silkscreen shop.

• The monthly cost for a full-time mission is standardized at $400/month. Seniors couple costs vary, but seniors can go most anywhere they want, do what they want, for as long as they want - as long as they pay their own way.

• The heaviest tithing ever recorded in one envelope was contributed by Timmy Wright, or Santaquin, Utah.  Weighing in at 3.25lbs, the donation totaled $2.37. It should be noted that after processing the tithing, the ward financial clerk required a PPI with the Bishop.

• In business world, many weaker businesses are consumed by monopolistic monsters that consume everything in their paths, and leave a trail of broken competitors in their wakes.  In the Church we refer to that as Deseret Book.

• The main focus of the Church is to bring in huge amounts of money, so the top leadership can live out their days in extravagant luxury.  Oh, wait.  That would be the US Congress. My bad.

• The average member is acutely aware that every crafty handout at church, and every trip to Dairy Queen after Mutual is being paid for by someone's tithing. That's why we order the small Blizzards.

LDS humor Mormon humorist blog

24: The Lesson

In a post last month, I posited the questions "What would you do if you knew you only had 24 hours to live?" I was being a bit facetious, (because I asked it merely as a set-up for a joke) but it quickly became engendered something more. People started considering the question seriously, Mama Rachel started to cry (She's pregnant, so no biggie.)

(Note:  I just read back and realized that I used the words "posited," facetious," and "engendered" in the opening paragraph.  I need to be more careful, as I do not want to alienate any of my UofU readers.)


One of my loyal readers, Viki, and I were on Facebook and she mentioned that there should be an "Impending Death FHE Lesson."  I thought it was a good idea.

So I said, "Write it up, and I'll post it on the blog."
Viki said, "I'm pretty busy - you do it."
And I said, "No, you do it."
And she said, "No, you do it."
And I said, "No, you do it."
And she said, "No, you do it."
And I said, "No, you do it."
And she said "Fine. I'll do it."
(Please note that I won this fictitious battle)

Anyway, despite her phenomenally busy life, Viki wrote up an outline for an FHE lesson that addresses the subject of preparing for death. This is not a lesson for little kids, and I would appreciate any ideas on how - or if - one might address this with little ones. But if your kids are old enough, this would be great - and it is especially valuable for older families and even empty-nesters. (Yes, empty-nesters are still supposed to have FHE.)

A little bit about Viki.  Her full name is Viki Groberg Bailey.  (Yes, that Groberg - One of the coolest missionaries ever. And no, her mom is not the new Catwoman). Here is the bio that Viki provided:

Viki Bailey is the tenth of eleven children. She has moved 20 times in her life. Some of those times were on her mission in Brazil. She is currently living in Idaho Falls with her awesome EC and seven FOML’s, where she works part-time as a RN, part-time as Primary President and full-time as laundry manager. She enjoys beautiful sunsets and long walks (from the computer to the freezer for ice cream). She blogs semi-occasionally at sourspirited.blogspot.com.

Thank you Viki, that was lovely.  And when she says she blogs occasionally, she means maybe once-a-month.

Here is the lesson - our thanks to Viki for pulling it together.

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“24” 

Family Home Evening

Opening Prayer:
Opening Song:  Hymn #229 (All verses) “Today While the Sun Shines”
Scripture:  Alma 11:42; Alma 12:16

Lesson

What is Death?

From the Bible Dictionary: (Dig into the definition and the listed scriptures by having kids look some of them up.)

Two kinds of death are spoken of in the scriptures. One is the death of the body, which is caused by the separation of the body from the spirit; i.e., “The body without the spirit is dead” (James 2:26). The other is spiritual death, which is to die as pertaining to, or to be separated from, righteousness—to be alienated from the things of God (Alma 12:16, 32; 40:26). Both of these deaths were introduced into the world by the fall of Adam. But death is also the consequence of our own sins. We make our own spiritual death by our works, our thoughts, and our actions. As Paul said, “The wages of sin is death” (Rom. 6:23), and some are “dead” while they “liveth” (1 Tim. 5:6).


In explaining these things, Jacob called the physical death, the grave, and spiritual death he called hell. The atonement of Jesus Christ will bring all persons back into the presence of God to be judged, the body coming forth from the grave and uniting with the spirit released from paradise or from hell (as the case may be). This will restore all mankind to the presence of God. This is the same as Paul spoke: “For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive” (1 Cor. 15:21–23). Then those who have willfully rebelled against the light and truth of the gospel will suffer again a spiritual death, which is called the second death (Rev. 20:14; Alma 12:16–18; Hel. 14:16–19; D&C 76:36–37). Each person suffers only one physical death, since when once resurrected, the body can die no more (Alma 11:42–45).   Latter-day revelation teaches that there was no death on this earth for any forms of life before the fall of Adam. Indeed, death entered the world as a direct result of the fall (2 Ne. 2:22; Moses 6:48).

All of us are going to die. It is the one inevitable thing we will all face (besides taxes, right??)  Some of us will die quickly, some slowly. Some at a young age, some at an older age. Some from illness or disease, others from a random accident.  None of us know for sure the hour in which we will die, and for that precise reason, it is important for each of us to prepare for our deaths, in whatever ways we can.

Perhaps you have heard this question before: “If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?” Our answers would be as varied as our personalities are, but one important facet of death, is remembering those we leave behind. For this reason, it is important to take a few moments to talk about our own wishes and to share the necessary legal and physical preparations with our loved ones that we may leave behind.

In time of grief, it would be so nice to have some difficult decisions already made ahead of time. Everyone who is responsible for other human beings (parents and spouse especially) should leave a living will (gives details of what medical measures you would desire if you are not able to speak yourself); a will (laying out how you would like your children and your possessions taken care of should you die prematurely); a detailed funeral plan; and lastly, letters to loved ones.

Activity

Prepare (if you have not already) something in each of the four areas above (Living Will; Will; Funeral outline; Letters)

Following are some links/resources that may be helpful:

Living will:
 http://www.totallegal.com/livingwill.asp?src=gfreelivingwill3&gclid=CMPU64zjkLECFQY0QgodSAdshA

(You may also ask at your local hospital to see if they have a form and they may even provide a notary public to notarize it for you).

Will: 
http://www.totallegal.com/wills.asp?m=legalplan&gclid=CNPtmdfjkLECFWYbQgoddjY8gQ

There are many websites out there, just find one that works for you and then always have it reviewed by a trusted attorney to make sure it is accurate and aligns with your personal wishes.  (Personal side note here…*Life insurance should be carried by everyone. It is common sense and should never be a matter of discussion, but just something you DO!! Whom that money will go to would likely be one of the things specified in the last will and testament.)

Funeral Outline: 
Think about things that mean a lot to you and that you would like to have shared at your funeral.  (For example, my husband is completely against an open-casket, where I am not, etc.) You can use the following outline, or come up with your own, to list some of the things that you would like done for your own funeral/viewing.

MY OWN FUNERAL
Do I want an open casket?
Is there anything I would like to be buried with me?
Do I want a viewing?
What music/songs do I love?
Is there a specific instrument/person who I would like to have perform?
Where would I like to be buried?
Is there something specific I would like on my tombstone?
Who would I like to dedicate my grave?

Letters:
Writing a letter to a loved one expressing your feeling and love for them is something that will be a treasure to that person for the rest of their mortal sojourn on Earth.  Here is an example of a letter that Marie Antoinette wrote only moments before she was killed.

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/07/think-always-of-me.html

Some good things to express in a letter to a loved one may be: Favorite memories you have of or with that person; things that you love and admire about that person; what you will miss most about that person; advice you would like to see that person abide by; your testimony of the gospel.

Start a file or envelope with everyone’s letters to each other and funeral plans written down.  Store in a safe place.
(MMM note:  This part is really important. I would recommend that you also include copies of insurance policies, necessary financial accounts, logins and passwords, etc.  Update them regularly.  At some scrapbook and office supply stores, you can find a big black envelope to put it all in.)

Treats

“Death By Chocolate” Cake

http://www.cacaoweb.net/deathbychocolate.html

Quotes

"Death helps us to see what is worth trusting and loving and what is a waste of time." 


J. Neville Ward, Methodist minister (1915 - 1992).

"As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death."
Leonardo da Vinci

But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8-

Closing Song: Children’s Songbook, 82 “When He Comes Again”  
Closing Prayer:

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Optional “Longer Version” FHE Activity: Spend an entire 24 hours (in real time) as if they were your last 24 hours in mortality.  Take a day off of work if need be, or do it on a Saturday or Sunday. Spend it how you wish, but try to include in those 24 hours the actual paperwork needed (if not already done previously) to have the preparations talked about earlier all completed.  Start a file or envelope with everyone’s letters to each other and funeral plans written down.  Store in a safe place.

(p.s. Eat enough servings of cake, and the whole “24 hour activity” may be closer to reality than you know it! LOL)
(Another idea for food during the optional 24 hour long FHE activity: Serve Funeral potatoes and ham and lots of rolls and cakes and jello!)

-------

Again, thanks to Viki for pulling this together. We welcome comments or ideas on how to present this stuff to younger kids as well. (The thought strikes me that a perfect time would be when a loved one, or a pet dies.)

Have a good Sabbath!

Anger: Mission Impossible?

I know - you are already humming the theme song in your head.

A couple weeks back, I wrote two posts to introduce the exploration of one of my challenges: Dealing with anger.  The first "Temper, Temper," dealt with the idea of looking at anger as unacceptable, and as a sin. The second post "Clearing Things Up," which was about how we interpret Christ's demeanor as he cleansed the temple.

As usual, there were lots of great comments, on the blog, on Facebook, and privately through chats and emails. There was an occasional idea that circulated around that I was not prepared for - and I don't think I can continue the discussion on anger unless I explain how my brain works on this issue.

Here is a summary of those key points that were communicated to me:

• Feelings are not good or bad - they are not moral issues. It is OK to be angry.
• Anger is an emotion, and emotions aren't sins.
and
• Feeling angry is not a sin, but acting on that anger is a sin.


This was new thinking to me, and was in conflict with what I have always thought, so I figured I had better think through this stuff a little better - which is one of the reasons this post is so late in coming.  I tried talking it through with my EC while we were driving on vacation, and it was helpful, but much harder than it should have been. I decided that I needed to figure out a different way to approach it.  Thank heavens for the 4th of July. The fireworks helped me out.

To talk about these things, I need to break "Anger" down into three phases:

The Spark    •     The Fuse     •     The Explosion

The Spark is when that feeling of anger first hits us. It can be fast and intense. Sometimes it can burn really bright. It is hard to tell if the spark is a reflex, or a thought, or an emotion, or any combination of the three.

The Fuse is when the thought is put to work. It is embraced. A fuse can burn for 10 seconds, or twenty years. It can burn hot, or just smolder under the surface.

The Explosion comes when we let the anger out. With words, or actions, or whatever weaponry we prefer.  Sometimes we jump right from spark to explosion - thus the term "short fuse." Sometimes the explosion comes much later - and sometimes never. The explosion can do tremendous damage.

When I look at these phases, I'm pretty sure that I don't "explode" too dramatically - I don't yell or cuss or throw things. Where I struggle is probably more in the Fuse and Spark areas.  I can seethe with the best of them,(The Fuse) and it happens far too often (The Spark)

All of this is a looong setup to discuss if anger is a sin.  So how does sin fit in?

Wait! What is sin? Do we need to define it?  LDS.org anyone?

Sin: To commit sin is to willfully disobey God's commandments or to fail to act righteously despite a knowledge of the truth.  Sin results in the withdrawal of the Holy Ghost.

With that definition as a filter, let's work backwards.  I think most of us would agree that The Explosion is a sin. It has been made quite clear through the prophets and the scriptures that it is not OK to act on feelings of anger.  I think Christ makes the point quite nicely in 3 Nephi 11: 29-30 that anger is one of Satan's tools to mess things up. (Brethren: It is also appropriate at this point to start quoting D&C 121 to ourselves.)

Neal A. Maxwell said, "Whereas the natural man vents his anger, the men and women of Christ are "not easily provoked'." Apparently Elder Maxwell did not buy into the fallacy that you need to express your negative emotions in order to deal with them.

Brigham Young made similar point, with a bit more "flair": Some think and say that it makes them feel better when they are mad, as they call it, to give vent to their madness in abusive and unbecoming language. This, however, is a mistake. Instead of its making you feel better, it is making bad worse.

Back to the filters:  Do we know God has commanded us to not act out in anger?  Check.  Does acting out in anger chase the Spirit away?  Check.  I'm going to stick my neck out and call this one a "sin."

What about The Fuse?  Is it OK to be mad, even if we keep it to ourselves? How about if we NEVER act on it?  Alma kind of stuck a pin in this one in Alma 12:14:

"For our words will condemn us, yea all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and out thoughts will also condemn us."

This idea was present as far back as the Ten Commandments:  Thou shalt honor, thou shalt not covet - both are "thought" sins.

James E. Faust: "Every human being, especially priesthood holders, has the challenge of controlling his or her thoughts, appetites, speech, temper and desires. One of these may be a bad temper. "The Power of Self-Mastery"

And I've got about one hundred more quotes that all say the same thing.  We are responsible for controlling our temper, and it is not OK to be angry.  I cannot find any quotes from the brethren that support the idea that it is ok to be angry, and that emotions are not to be controlled.

Remember a long time ago, back when this post began, I mentioned some of the comments I had received. I would like to list them again:

• Feelings are not good or bad - they are not moral issues. It is OK to be angry.

• Anger is an emotion, and emotions aren't sins.

and

• Feeling angry is not a sin, but acting on that anger is a sin.

Now, indulge me while I substitute the work "lust" for "anger":

• Feelings are not good or bad - they are not moral issues. It is OK to be lustful.

• Lust is an emotion, and emotions aren't sins.

and

• Feeling lustful is not a sin, but acting on that lust is a sin.

Comparison can be very illustrative.  I'm not sure why we protect and even embrace a negative emotion like anger, but are vigilant in condemning others, such as hate, lust, covetousness and pride. Maybe we are more comfortable with anger because it is a more "normal" part of our lives. I surely cannot accept the idea that anger is not a moral issue anymore than I can accept that these other emotions are not.

Christ said it this way: "But I say unto you that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery already in his heart." (3 Nephi 12:28)  Apparently there is not a lot of difference between The Fuse and The Explosion in His view.  (He lends this same thinking to anger in verse 22.)

Richard G. Scott said, "The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion fear or pride."

I have watched as unexpressed anger has cankered people I care about. (some would call it "repressed" anger) This would probably be the time to make the point that there is no such thing as unexpressed anger. It is always expressed in some way or another.  Maybe we will delve into that at another time.

So, filter check on The Fuse:  Have we been told that we should not be angry?  Check. Does being angry chase away the Spirit? Check.  I'm going to have to go with "sin" here, too.

How about The Spark?  (THIS is where it gets tricky!)

When an angry thought pops into my head - did I sin?

Is anger a choice?

Is it possible to never get angry?

Does that concept seem out of my reach?

I'm going to go with

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.
..and Yikes.

But I can't talk about The Spark until I've told you a story - and for that, you are going to have to wait. Sorry! Please don't get mad!  ;)

Hopefully, this has given you plenty to think about - I know it has me.

My Capacitor Went Bad

Last week we went on our annual Family Reunion trip, so for most of the last week I was out of the blogging loop. Now that I am back, I would like to thank all of the many, many faithful readers who let me know that they missed my posts while I was gone.  And by "all of the many, many," I mean "both," and by "both," I mean Carlyn and Kayla. Thanks!

Before I tell you of our adventures on vacation, I will tell you about our misadventure upon returning:  Our AC went out.  We got home and the house was hot. We turned the air down, but it just didn't seem to be cooling off. Welcome home!  This morning we had our HVAC guy come take a look. He spent about 20 minutes - I spent about $200 - turns out that the "capacitor"had gone bad.  The capacitor is a little doo-hickey that stores energy and keep the energy level where it needs to be to run the equipment.

Strangely, we had turned the thermostat way up to save electricity while we were gone. When we got home and needed to return to our normal energy usage, it was too much, and the capacity couldn't handle the increase in demand. Basically, the capacitor was worn out, and couldn't store energy, or keep the energy level where it needed to be.

This is also a perfect description of me on vacation. When I got back, I had had not stored any energy. Reinvigorated? Forget it. It was all I could do to drag myself into work today.  My groove was seriously thrown  off.



I had great intentions of using some of the time to think deep thoughts, do some writing, get a little work done, and up my activity level. Let's just say my capacitor went bad. Instead, I stayed up too late, slept in too late, ate too much, and stared mindlessly into space.  Yes, it was fantastic.

We had a great time with immediate and extended family. We played games. We read a lot. We saw the new and unnecessary Spiderman. (It was good). We watched fireworks on the 4th. Threw the frisbee. We relaxed a lot.

Remember: This vacation started about 36 hours after FOML2's wedding reception ended. We were ready for a break.  Word to the wise:  Never plan to leave on vacation 36 hours after your child's wedding reception.  The first 3 days of vacation are entirely recovery time - and I don't remember a lot of it.

Also, until children actually become parents themselves, they will never understand what mom and dad go through to take a week off. When you are a kid, you assume that a week off means just that.  The reality is that the week you are taking off doesn't really go away, it just gets crushed into the days before and after the trip. The result of this impact is near-comatose parents, and children wondering why mom and dad are so boring.

That said, what I remember of the vacation was wonderful. Except for the parts that weren't. Like this one:

Warning:  The following story is graphic, and if it were made into a movie, it would probably receive an R-rating.

What do you get when you cross a 10-year-old with too much soda, and way too many jalapeño potato chips?  Anyone?  The correct answer is vomit. Spicy vomit.

At 2:00am, I was minding my own business. I was almost done reading my book when I heard yelling coming from one of the bedrooms. That kind of yelling.  I went in just as FOML5 finished throwing up. He had been sharing a bed with his older sister, and realized he was about to lose it - so he turned the other direction, and did his best to avoid soaking his sister and the bed.  About 20% landed on the bedding. (Blankets, bedspread, sheets, etc.)  He managed to expel the other 80% off the side of the bed - I was quite impressed by his efforts.

Oh! Did I mention that the side of the bed was where the kids had stacked the decorative pillows, and my son kept his suitcase and backpack?  Did I mention that they were both wide open?

Yes. Everything he brought with him - his books, clothes, electronics, etc. - were now covered with spicy jalapeño vomit. Did I mention that jalapeño kettle-cooked potato chips kind of re-hydrate after a few hours?

FOML1 jumped into the fray and started cleaning, but the sounds of her gagging almost set me off. My EC was peacefully sleeping upstairs, because she had been fighting a post-reception stomach flu as well. One was enough, thank you.

I finished the last of the 5 loads of laundry (FIVE) at 3:45am.   I was going to use that time to blog about the experience, but I remembered that I had already written a vomit post in real time. (here)  I should point out, that I have been a parent now for over 24 years, and have dealt with plenty of vomit - but this was the worst I have ever experienced.

On the bright side, I did finish reading my book.

The point of this post was not to tell a vomit story, but, I am not back up to full power, and figure it might take another day to wax profound. I do have some good stuff planned for the near future. I promise! my energy will return.

But I sure could use a vacation...

Up in Smoke

The family and I followed tradition and went and watched fireworks tonight.  It is always fun to be together, and we really enjoy it.  But I have to admit that I came away feeling a bit melancholy tonight. Perhaps it is that it made me nostalgic, or early Alzheimer's is setting in.

It seems that the America of my youth has been replaced by a turf war. People don't seem to come together and define themselves as Americans anymore.  Instead, people angrily proclaim their status as Liberal, or Conservative, Independent, Democrat, Republican, etc. And it is loud. So very loud. The distinctive views have become so vitriolic and loud that the thing Americans are supposed to be has been cast by the wayside:  United.  Tolerance is talked about in theory, but in practice it is rare.

It seems the only time I have seen the unity of our great Nation in recent years was in the aftermath of 9-11.  How sad that it takes such a tragedy for everyone to put their labels away for even a week and recognize the unity that we are supposed to have.

As you know, I don't get political on this blog, but I will get apolitical enough to say that I am fatigued by what our country has become, and I miss those days when people would stand together, hats off, with hands over their hearts, and sing the "Star Spangled Banner" like they meant it. Because they meant it.

I'm afraid those days are gone - victimized by the new casualness and irreverence. I doubt they will be back.

But as for me and my house, we will honor this great Nation.  God bless America.  Really.  Please.