PLEASE DO NOT READ BELOW THIS LINE. IT IS FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY.
1) A twenty-year research project has shown that children with elevated IQ's have a natural predisposition to cleanliness and order. Chronic untidiness is symptomatic of below average intelligence.
2) Studies show that caffeine is not as harmful or addictive to adults as it is for children, and that adult bio-chemistry makes it possible for adults to quit at any time.
3) Kids who play violent video games more than 4 hours per week have a greater likelihood of moderate to severe acne.
4) 95% of tooth decay comes from super-oxygenated bacteria, resulting from chewing gum or food with an open mouth.
5) People who listen to rap music earn, on average, 60% less than their non-rap listening counterparts. 85% of all youth and adults who cite Eminem as an important influence are unemployed.
6) After more than three hours, airborne bacteria from damp towels can cause severe infections in the lining of the lung.
7) Daily consumption of peanut butter increase the rate of protein absorption, resulting in increased muscle mass.
8) The leading cause of death for boys ages 14-17 is playing Lucha Libre in the living room. Second, is injuries sustained by flipping kitchen towels.
9) Dental surgeons have established a direct link between excessive texting and maxillary overbites in children and young adults. Extreme cases result in uncontrolled drooling and mouth-breathing.
10) Upon request, internet service providers can furnish data to account holders containing complete website histories, Facebook discussions, and video chat recordings, of all traffic on cellular and home networks.
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Hang on...you were asked to NOT read this.
But if you did, I need to reenforce that this list is not for public consumption. It is entirely fabricated. I just made up all of this nonsense for a wise purpose. If you must know the reason...it is that I don't feel it is correct to lie to my children. Lying is wrong, and I need to set a good example, and protect my integrity. That is the why I wrote this list. Now, whenever I feel that it might be helpful in my parenting efforts, I can say:
"Just the other day I was online, and I read that... ( ...fill in the blank here... )"
And I won't be lying - because I DID read it. Right here. And now, so did you!
You're welcome.
(Note: If you have any information that you could add as a comment that might come in handy, I would be appreciative. Type it in - then I can "read" it. Thanks!)
Oh the lengths we parents go to to teach and train our children. Thanks for the good laugh today!
ReplyDeleteWhew! I'll never know when I'll need this important info-- thanks, MMM! :-D
ReplyDeleteCarbon Dioxide has always been a gas.
ReplyDeleteI love John, but sometimes I don't understand him.
DeleteI told the EC, who asked, "What does that mean?" I says, "Nobody else will get this but Mormon Guy." Oh, the humanity...
Delete(But you've got to remember that most of my readers don't remember Jerry Lewis in anything but the Telethon, and were born long after the Nutty Professor.)
DeleteI read the other day that if you get a speeding ticket while driving with a learner's permit, the ticket will be tripled.
ReplyDeleteJenny in NC
Nice one.
DeleteI read that those who eat chocolate are thinner than those that don't. :)
ReplyDeleteApparently that one might be true! Yesterday I read this:
Deletehttp://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57405100-10391704/eating-lots-of-chocolate-helps-people-stay-thin-study-finds/
In my case the chocolate I eat must be keeping me from getting fatter as I am definitely not "thin."
DeleteThat's my excuse anyway!
lol! LOVE IT!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are more likely to get hit by a car if your pants are hanging low enough that others can see your underwear.
Smoking will not only cause cancer, but it will also cause your hair to fall out with every puff and the walls of the room that you are smoking in will start to bleed tar that will start seep into your floors and cause everything thing to be stuck with yucky nasty sticky tar. And you will never be able to remove it until you throw all your cigarettes out and do a "goodbye cigarettes" dance and sign a contract that cannot be broken that you will never smoke again.
Ooops. Sorry about the rant.
I have an annoying neighbor who smokes. I wish this were true, and maybe they would stop smoking. I'm excited for move-out day! I'm sure this will be of no use to you. But it sure saved me a trip to a therapist. lol
Sharline: Maybe sometime, when you have a minute, you could share your feelings about smoking with us.
ReplyDeleteWomen are supposed to have a little bit of belly fat (not excessive mind you) to protect their organs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, children whose parents speak well of them (to their faces and to other people) are less likely to have a language disorder. - This is for very young children, but could be applied to older children - your attitude towards your children makes a huge difference!
These are actually true, by the way...
DeleteOreos and Ice-cream taste better when you buy them with your own money. :D
ReplyDeleteSanta, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Leprechauns aren't real! ( : Just had to throw that one in there. Hee hee.
ReplyDeleteHilarious post by the way. ( :
Buzzkill
DeleteI read online that people who don't readily share their favorite family recipes are 97.3% more prone to sudden bouts of uncontrollable itching in hard to reach places.
ReplyDeleteLook, I'm doing this for noble purposes, and now you're trying to turn use it to fulfill your self-interest.
DeleteJust stating the facts, Ma'am.
DeleteMa'am? NO SOUP FOR YOU!
DeleteWhen the ice cream van pulls on the street and plays his tune it means he has sold out. (This has saved me a fortune)
ReplyDeleteHa ha! My Mom used to call him the "Music Man".
DeleteChildren who don't share with their siblings are 95.4% more likely to end up divorced.
ReplyDeleteTeenagers who argue with their siblings will have 56% fewer dates.
What did we do before we met you?!
ReplyDeleteHopefully something more productive!
DeleteTelling lies to your parents directly increases your body odor and renders you less attractive to the opposite sex . . .
ReplyDeleteWashing windows and scrubbing toilets builds muscle mass twice as fast as working out at a gym AND burns more calories . . .
Having metaphorical diet coke twice a day is the only SURE way to lose weight and keep it off (my spousal unit threw that one in) . . .
Tell your spousal unit to stop telling lies to his parents, and scrub some windows...
ReplyDeleteNice! I especially like the Eminem one!
ReplyDeleteKid to parent, "I don't need to do my homework! The Supreme Court Judges don't."...oh wait, that's not funny
ReplyDelete