Please Stop Saying That: It's Bishop, Thank You.

• This is the fifth of a series of things that we hear at church on a regular basis that I wish people would stop saying. They are not big, honkin', scary things, just little expressions that you hear frequently that just don't quite work. (Grammatically or doctrinally) The introduction to this series is here. The first post is here, the second here, the third here, the fourth here.


"Hey 'Bish', how's it going?" It happened all the time, and I cringed every time.  One of my pet-peeves. I always let it slide, but in my mind I would say,

"Bish? The title is 'Bishop', thank you very much".

 Not because I was an egomaniac - I had felt this way long before I was ever called to be a bishop - but out of the respect for the calling.

Little thing? Perhaps. But it bugs me when people refer to their bishop as "Bish". I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of people who do this:

1) Good-hearted people who mean absolutely no disrespect, and are just trying to be extra friendly, or playful, by sounding more casual. Totally understandable - especially if you are good friends with the man, or trying to be. It is weird to be screaming at referees with him on Saturday night, only to be referring to him by title on Sunday morning.

2) Less good-hearted people who seek to mock, or diminish the title or the man holding it. I kid you not. I did a quick Google search (so that you don't have to), and found the term "bish" on many 'ex-mormon' sites, always used in a condescending manner.

The other thing I found is that 'bish' is also a casual abbreviation of a profanity that most of us associate with Joy Behar.

So, to those good-hearted people who are trying to be friendly, I would suggest that you use the title correctly. Also, I know that not every bishop is adored, but even if we don't necessarily like the man, we should still respect the title.

Also, another tiny detail, then a story...

"Let's ask Bishop what he thinks".  WRONG
"Let's ask the Bishop what he thinks." RIGHT
"Let's ask Bishop Jones what he thinks." RIGHT.

Remember, 'Bishop' is not his first name, it is his title. (yes, I know this is nit-picking, but I'm on a roll.) Of course everyone knows someone whose last name was Bishop. Bishop Bishop is still funny. As is Elder Elder, or even Elder Young.

A few years back, James E. Faust gave a great talk entitled "Called and Chosen". (link here) In it, he told a story that I think serves as a great reminder as to how we should consider the men that are serving in positions of leadership. Here is the story, and any of you serving in ward councils or bishoprics might want to remember this as you plan activities that put demands on your bishop.

President Faust:

I have admired and respected every bishop I have ever had. I have tried not to question their guidance and have felt that in sustaining and following their counsel I was protected against the “sleight of men, and cunning craftiness.” This was because each of these called and chosen leaders was entitled to the divine revelation that comes with the calling. Disrespect for ecclesiastical leaders has caused many to suffer spiritual weakening and downfall. We should look past any perceived imperfections, warts, or spots of the men called to preside over us, and uphold the office which they hold.

Many years ago we used to have money-raising events in our wards to pay for the utilities and other local expenses and activities now paid by the general Church funds and the local unit budget allowance. We used to have bazaars, fairs, dinners, and other fund-raising activities. At that time my ward had a wonderful, devoted, committed bishop.

A member of a neighboring ward found that a dunking machine was a successful money-raising activity. Participants would pay to throw baseballs at a marked mechanical arm. Hitting the bull’s-eye would trigger a release, plunging the person sitting on the seat of the machine into a big basin of cold water. Our ward decided to use this machine, and someone suggested that more people would pay for balls to throw if the bishop would be willing to sit on the dunking seat. Our bishop was a good sport, and because he was responsible for raising the money, he willingly consented to sit on the dunking seat. Soon some began to buy balls and to throw them at the target. Several hit the mark, and the bishop was drenched. After half an hour of this, he began to shake with the cold.

While some of the people thought this was great fun, my father was very offended that the office of the bishop had been so belittled and held up to ridicule or even contempt. Even though the money raised was intended for a good cause, I can still remember feeling ashamed that some of our people did not show more respect for both the office and the man who had by night and day served us so well as our good shepherd. As holders of the priesthood of God, we should set the example of sustaining the leadership of the Church to our families, our friends, and our associates.

Good or Evil? Don't Know. Don't Care.

Sorry if I'm jumping the gun, but I need to talk to you about Christmas lights. Specifically the little ones that you put on Christmas trees. Oh, how I hate them! No matter how carefully you put them away after Christmas, the next year when you take them out of the box, some of them are dead.

And of course Christmas lights are the ultimate lemmings. They are worse than teenagers. If one decides to stop working, all of them stop working. When that happens you are left with two options: 1) Take away their driving privileges, or 2) Get mad and guilt them into working.  Oh, wait! I got sidetracked - we were talking about lights, not teenagers.  With the lights, you are left with two options: 1) Take out each bulb one-by-one and put a fresh bulb in to  see if you found the bulb that was "occupying" the string. 2) Angrily throw the whole thing out and buy a new one. 3) Repeat.

And that is how the Christmas season always began at my house - full of joy and merriment, dead spots on the tree, and the only time of year you can hear things like this:

"No kids, Daddy doesn't really wish we were Jewish."

"What can you do to help? Shoot me in the head."

"If I hear Mannheim Steamroller one more time, I'm feeding the iPod to the dog."

"If you think you can do it better, be my guest" (Actually, that gets said year-round)

Ah, Christmas magic is in the air...

But then...

My beloved Eternal Companion changed that..forever. With supernal grace and wisdom, she gave me a gift that would bless the lives of our family, and make me a better father, nay.. a better man. And the gift came in a bag. And the bag was from Walgreens. Who woulda thought?

Inside the bag was a wonderful device which has grown to be one of my favorite parts of Christmas. It looks like this:

It is, in fact, a plastic gun. Mind you, it is not just any plastic gun. It is a Christmas Light Repair Gun. Sure, I was skeptical at first, too. It does not make sense, but I bear you my humble testimony that it is true, and effective.

The way it works, is that you take any bulb out of the dead string, and plug the gun into the empty bulb socket. Then you pull the trigger 5 times, and the string lights up. The entire string. Woo-hoo! You then plug the bulb back in, and the string continues to work. Crazy.

It does sound too good to be true. I know, it makes absolutely no sense. But I promise it works - you are going to have to trust me on this one. Where once was darkness and death, there is now light and life! It is so cool, yet a little freaky. I have read the instructions, and understand about the concept of "completing a circuit", but I don't think that science can completely explain how this little gun works. But after witnessing its mystical power, I think I know:

It's magic. Its gotta be.

Then you run into the little problem if it is good "Glinda" magic, or bad "Elphaba" magic. (But then again, at the end of the show they all turn out to be good, right?)

Either way, I don't know if the magic is good or evil, and frankly, I don't care. I'm using it. I just want to express my gratitude to the elves that made it, and so does my family.

LDS humorist, Mormon humor

Switching it Up.

Last week I posted about feeling the absence of the Spirit in our lives, and followed up asking your opinions on the subject. (Original posts here and here)

A lovely reader asked: 

"But when I really am trying to feel the Spirit and I feel like I've done everything to turn the switch on and it just isn't happening, then what? I'm not sure . . ."

It was great to see how many responses came in from all of you. While some addressed the worth of this overly-simplistic metaphor, (understandable) many of you provided insightful ideas as to how make adjustments to bring the Spirit back into your lives. Here are a few of the topics that were addressed:

Patience
Gratitude
Obedience
Scriptures - particularly the Book of Mormon
Serving others
Being outside in nature
Right thing/wrong reason
Keeping a Spiritual Journal
Prayer
Hard work
Temple
Practice
Find quiet moments - ponder

Do you notice anything missing?

There were 33 responses, all sincere. Music was mentioned more than anything else. But I did notice that there was a specific word that was only used once - and I know that in my life, it is the one word that makes the biggest difference.

Repentance.

Before I explain, let me tell you a little about me, my personality, and my behaviors. I have been blessed/cursed with acute self-awareness. (Which is much better than an ugly self-awareness.) I have a pretty good idea of the things I do, the things I think, and the things I feel. One thing I am painfully aware of is when I do something wrong. I am a grown man, with a lifetime of gospel learning and living. I can honestly say that when I commit a sin, I know it. I usually know that I am sinning as I am in the process of committing the sin. Occasionally I realize it right after the fact. But there is rarely a surprise.

I can tell that I have hurt my wife's feelings as soon as the words leave my mouth.
I am aware of my anger, as my blood pressure elevates, yet know that contention is of the devil.
I know when I have lingered a bit too long on an inappropriate website, or TV channel.
I know when I am being too judgmental of others as I am doing it.
Etc.

The point that I am trying to make is that I know when I am in sin. It does not come as a shock to me. The Holy Ghost and the Light of Christ are quite effective. My sins come about because I used my agency to choose a wrong word, thought, or action. I am left with little excuse.

And so, returning to the loss of the Spirit, I can say that I usually know, in my heart, exactly why the Spirit has left me. Yeah, it does sound kind of harsh - towards myself - but it is true. Granted, there are occasional exceptions, but most of the time the Spirit left because I did something that chased him off.

That is where repentance comes in. I am wired in such a way that if I find myself feeling a void - that the Spirit is not with me - my FIRST assumption is that I need to repent. And usually that assumption is correct. I go through the proper process of repentance, including taking the sacrament - because one of the great promises of the sacrament is that "we may always have His Spirit to be with them." And that's a pretty important goal - right?

So, "repentance" is the word I would add to the discussion, with emphasis.  Repent. When we repent, we are cleansed by the Holy Spirit - that is part of his job. And then he will stay with us until we chase him away again.

I find it interesting to note that all of the items listed above also help strengthen us so that we won't sin, and won't have to search out the Spirit again - because he didn't leave. Thankfully, when we do sin, we can do what is necessary to welcome him back into our lives and hearts.

--Of course, I am writing this as an accomplished sinner, and an accomplished repenter - I would not presume that it applies to all of you.

Thoughts?

A Last Thanksgiving Thank You

Gormandizer.

That's me. I have been gormandizing. I'm sitting here in my chair feeling the effects. I had no intention of posting today, but realized that in my epic list of gratitude, I had forgotten #101.

You guys.  I forgot to thank you guys. What a classless moron.

Then I look over and see that my count of public followers hit the 200 mark sometime this weekend, and I felt like even more of an ingrate. When I started this blog less than a year ago, I was hoping that by now I might have 15 followers. (With 5 of them being aliases that I created) I am proudly humbled by your response. Amazed even.

Not only do I appreciate you reading, but also your sharing. I want this blog to be a safe place where we can laugh, and still talk about important things - without fear of attack, or humiliation. I figure there is enough of that in the real world - we don't need it in cyberland.

Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, and thanks for sharing your faith and testimonies with me through your comments and through your blogs. I see it as a blessing.

I hope you look at this blog as a good thing in your lives.

My best,

MMM

Thanking Myself Out

The third, and final installment - I promise! There is just so much to be grateful for. But, it is now time for me to focus on my gluttony.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, my friends!

First batch here.
Second batch here.

And the seemingly endless list goes on...

69)   I am thankful that God does not punish me swiftly or publicly. That would be painful and embarrassing. And frequent.

70)  I am thankful that I am more Stimpy, less Ren. It seems that it would be stressful to be Ren.

71)  I am thankful that my sons now have the strength to do hard chores. Now for the desire.

72)  I am thankful - every work day - that when the staff leaves, I can turn off the country music.

73)  I am thankful that none of the FOMLs could be described as "Mormon Hipsters". (And I mean on-my-knees thankful.)

74)  I am thankful that my eldest is old enough and smart enough that I can ask her opinion on important matters, and not have to pretend to care what she has to say.

75)  I am thankful that our dog cannot talk. Based on his personality and behavior with his ball, he would probably never shut up. Ever.

76)  I am thankful that Mozart was prolific in his short 35 years of life.

77)  I am thankful that I live in a country that won't kill me if I voice my disapproval with the government.

78)  I am thankful that I got to go to Girl's Camp for 5 years, and Scout Camp for who knows how many.

79)  I am thankful that my kids reach a point with their music that their practices become something I desire to listen to, rather than suffer through.

80)  I am thankful that Handcart Re-enactment Treks are not weekly occurrences.

81)  I am thankful that I don't wake up every morning and wonder what I should be doing with my life. What to do with a day off, maybe.

82)  I'm thankful that the vultures were able to help Mowgli escape from Shere Kahn.

83)  I'm thankful that Ben & Jerry's is sold in convenient, single-serving containers.

84)  I'm thankful that my deceased parents can't watch everything I do from the Spirit World. At least I hope they can't.

85)  I'm thankful that my car does not burst into flames when I drive over a lit cigarette that some moron tossed out his car window. (It is a real phobia of mine, however.)

86)  I'm thankful that I'm not one of those people who feel compelled to constantly tell everyone how much they love "Psych".

87)  I am thankful that my resemblance to George Clooney is merely superficial, because I believe in marriage and family.

88)  I am thankful that God created beaches, and I think it is a bummer that during the millennium we will lose most of them as the land masses become re-united.

89)  I am thankful that my EC and I cook together often, and that we are both really good at it.

90)  I am thankful that I have never been eaten by sharks or piranhas when I have been waterskiing.

91)  I am thankful that we are not required by law to paint our houses pink for breast cancer awareness.

92)  I am thankful that I have been married for more than half my life, and that it is better than my wildest dreams.

93)  I am thankful that I didn't die from radiation poisoning from playing with broken thermometer mercury when I was a kid.

94)  I am thankful that I don't work at Victoria's Secret. I get uncomfortable just walking by, and I would get in trouble for discouraging customers from buying items that aren't flattering for their body type.

95)  I am thankful that there is a new Muppet Movie. Starring our less-active sister Amy Adams.

96)  I am thankful that I was too young to know anything about women's health when Tony Orlando and Dawn had the hit song "Candida".

96)  I am thankful for the traditional Thanksgiving feast, although I have been slow to embrace cranberries.

97)  I am thankful that Louis Armstrong sang "What a Wonderful World" because he was the coolest, and that's how I feel.

98)  I am thankful that my wife doesn't snore like I do.

99)  I am thankful that I live at this time, and in this place, fighting the battle with my beautiful wife by my side, in an eternal family unit, fully, inextricably immersed in the gospel of our Savior.

100)  I am thankful for my life. All of it. (I could do another 500, but you get the point.)

lds humorist, mormon humor

My Cup Keep Runnething Over!

I can't stop! There is so much for me to be grateful for, that I can't hold it in. It is a veritable explosion of thankfulness!

First batch here.

And the list goes on...

38)  I'm thankful that I have never mistakenly used anchovy paste to brush my teeth.

39)  I'm thankful that nobody has ever thrown beads at me, expecting me to take off my shirt. When I was younger, maybe.

40)  I'm thankful that I will never, ever, ever have a picture of Santa kneeling before the baby Jesus in my house. Ever.

41)  I'm thankful that Moroni decided to go back and add those last ten chapters. Kinda important.

42)  I'm thankful that whenever I overdraw a bank account, I don't get cast into debtor's prison.

43)  I'm thankful my wife has learned that Miracle Whip is an abomination.

44)  I'm thankful that shampoo doesn't smell like it sounds.

45)  I'm thankful that all of my kids will eat broccoli, asparagus, brussel sprouts, squash, sauerkraut, fish, etc.

46)  I'm thankful that the Prophet Joseph got locked up in Liberty Jail, so that we could have D&C 121.

47)  I'm thankful that I don't have to walk 5 miles a day for clean drinking water, and I can drive 2 miles for a 44oz soda.

48)  I'm thankful that I am old enough to remember Elder LeGrande Richards. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to hear him talk in General Conference.

49)  I'm thankful that nobody has "occupied" my yard.

50)  I'm thankful that toilets don't operate on the same principle as garbage disposals.

51)  I'm thankful that I was done with The Brady Bunch before Cousin Oliver started showing up.

52)  I'm thankful that I have all my fingers - unlike my Jr. High Wood Shop teacher who had already lost 4. (Hopefully he changed careers soon after)

53)  I'm thankful that we can sleep at night knowing that Jack Baeur is out there keeping us safe.

54)  I'm thankful that it has been revealed that there will be tater-tots in the Celestial Kingdom. (Still trying to find the citation on this...)

55)  I'm thankful that the millennium is not here, because I enjoy the whole 'growth through opposition' thing.

56)  I'm thankful that I feel absolutely no "PC" pressure to "pardon" our turkey. It's already dead.

57)  I'm thankful that most of my good friends are smarter than me. Keeps me on my toes.

58)  I'm thankful that when I go to the beach, no one has ever tried to push me back into the ocean. So far.

59)  I'm thankful for the cool Christmas light repair gun that my EC found for me. It is miraculous, and will make my home a happier place this weekend.

60)  I'm thankful that mormon.org has not requested that I film a video segment. It might interfere with my aspirations to be a Club DJ in LA.

61)  I'm thankful for 10 minutes of focus before Sacrament meeting starts. (Soft seats too)

62)  I'm thankful that I have incredible night vision without having to be a vampire.

63)  I am thankful that one day - hopefully before I die - Adam Sandler will stop making movies.

64)  I am thankful that I don't have to follow Jewish dietary restriction. (meaning: I love pork products)

65)  I am thankful for Grace Kelly. Especially in Rear Window. (Sorry, Dear)

66)  I am thankful that there are people in Africa that are alive because of humanitarian work I have been blessed to be a part of.

67)  I am thankful that I have been fortunate enough to travel extensively. (I wasn't too impressed with Scranton, PA)

--That's all for right now. I'm sure there's more. Life is full of richness. Oh - wait!

68)  I am thankful for cheesecake.

Should I go for 100???    (OK -  I went for 100:  here.)
lds humorist, mormon humor, satire

OK, OK. Here's My Gratitude List.

I have not participated in any of the blog events where you write down something that you are grateful for every day of November. Now I find myself late to the party, and it seems that all the good stuff has already been taken. There are a lot of thankful people out there hogging all the good ideas. So, I will list those things that I am grateful for, many of which you probably overlooked.

So, here is the entire month in one shot:

1)  Family, faith, friends, food, clothing, shelter, etc. (Yes, I know - #1 is nothing more than a composite of all the obvious stuff I'm thankful for. Let's move on.)

2)  I'm thankful that I don't have to blog on gold plates. Not so much because the engraving would be hard, but because gold is currently $1700 an ounce. (And you thought e-books were still too expensive!)

3) I am thankful that my 9 year-old thinks it's awesome to eat the turkey heart and neck with me. (Gizzards: Yes. Liver: No.)

4)  I am thankful that they don't show episodes of Glee in High Priest Group, or Gospel Doctrine.

5)  I am thankful that my EC is so blinded by love that she doesn't point out what a dork I am. Very often.

6)  I am thankful that I have music veto power when I am driving the family car, and I'm not afraid to use it.

7)  I am thankful that I don't have a "Don Rickles Talking Mirror".

8)  I am thankful that rich people in Nigeria think highly enough of me to offer to share their wealth with me on a regular basis.

9)  I am thankful that people don't greet each other the way dogs do. Usually.

10)  I am thankful that my ancestors procreated. Attaboy Gramps!

11)  I am grateful that I am one of the few people online who know how to spell the word "lose" correctly.

12)  I am thankful for idioms. They are the Katz' pajamas!

13)  I am thankful that I don't need to remember to wind my watch. I am thankful if I even remember to wear it.

14)  I am thankful that if you search hard enough, you can find an Oriental market that carries Panang curry paste.

15)  I am thankful that in 30 years, nobody has ever beat me in a Boggle match. Ever. ('Humility' is an 11 point word.)

16)  I am thankful for caller ID that shows up on my TV so that I can know who I am ignoring when I'm watching The Amazing Race.

17) I am thankful that my mission in life is not trying to explain why I am right and the Church leaders are wrong.

18)  I am thankful that no angry stranger has ever shown up at my house wanting to "discuss" my latest post.

19)  I am thankful that my EC assigned dog poop cleanup to one of my boys.

20) I am thankful that I am a man. And by 'man' I mean that I don't drink Diet Coke, care about Twilight, or buy stuff on "Etsy".

21)  I am thankful that you can't catch the Black Plague by sharing chips and salsa.

22)  I am thankful that every dating relationship I ever had ended in failure. Except one.

23)  I am thankful that none of my kids have stupidly-spelled stupid names.

24) I am thankful that mormon.org does not sell our profiles to eharmony.

25) I am thankful that Viagra commercials merely show old people walking on the beach, etc.

26) I am thankful that I have never spent any time in the slammer. No the MTC does not count.

27)  I am thankful that God doesn't always answer my prayers, and that He doesn't always grant my desires. Some of them would have really messed up my life.

28)  I'm thankful that that foam drink cups don't leave rings on my nice wooden desk. I understand that styrofoam might be bad for the environment and could lead to the devastation of our planet. I consider it a fair trade.

29)  I'm thankful that Norman Jewison cast Topol as Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof,  instead of Zero Mostel.

30) I'm thankful that society hasn't duped me into thinking that I need eyelash extensions.

31) I'm glad that J. Lo doesn't live at our house, or visit very often.

32)  I am thankful that I will never be a Relief Society or Young Women President.

33) I'm thankful that I don't enjoy killing stuff and mounting monuments of death on my walls.

34) However wrong it may be, I'm still thankful for Mountain Dew.

35)  I'm thankful that people often mistake me for Bradley Cooper.

36)  Wait! Got a little out of control - that last one was not entirely honest, and I only needed 30. I guess I just have so much to be thankful for that my heart overflows with gratitude. I'll stop with this:

37) I'm thankful that you are reading this, and actually made it all the way to the end.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Mormon humorist, LDS humorist, humor

Apparently I had more to be thankful for. The list continues here.

Calling All Readers! Broken Switch Alert!

Sunday I posted about how sometimes we "turn off" the Spirit without even realizing it, and find ourselves needing to "turn it back on".  When I wrote this (here) I had no idea that the next day would be a brutal day. Yesterday was terrible, filled with frustrating problems, contention, and a constant barrage of phone calls that I didn't want. I got home stressed, tired...and completely devoid of the Spirit. Just in time for dinner and FHE. Exactly the circumstance that I had warned about on Sunday. And from the comments, I was not alone!

'Tis humbling. Sometimes life just throws a big pie right at your face.

Yesterday, there were quite a few good comments on the "Switch" post, but one stood out to me. It was written by a wonderfully bright young lady who goes by Michemily. She asked:

"But when I really am trying to feel the Spirit and I feel like I've done everything to turn the switch on and it just isn't happening, then what? I'm not sure . . ."


That's the next thing to talk about, right? First we need to realize that we are missing the companionship of the Holy Ghost, then we need to invite him back. And it is not always easy to do either part. We have all been there. How do you turn the switch back on, once you've discovered that it is off?


Last night I kept thinking about MIchemily's question, and how I would respond. I have narrowed it down to a few specific ideas. But, I know that this is a very individual process - what works for me might not work for you. So instead of just launching into what I think, I am asking all of you, my wise, attractive readers, to make this a group effort.


REQUEST: Please take a few minutes and think about how you would answer Michemily's question. What has worked for you? Why? Please post it in the comments, or email it to me and I will add it to the end of this post. (middleagedmormonman@gmail.com)


After you have had some time to contribute, I will steal the best ideas and claim them as my own. Just kidding, I will add my thoughts as well. This has the potential to be wonderful, and could help all of us. (Michemily: Thanks for your insightful question. I hope you don't mind!)


Here's to a better Tuesday...


.

Flipping the Switch

(Yes, this could easily be a diatribe about the FOMLs complete inability to turn off a light switch, but it isn't. Since it is the sabbath, I'll try to offer something better... how about a little story?)

At this time  of this experience I was serving as a Stake Missionary and Ward Mission Leader. (For those who don't know, each stake used to have a Stake Mission President and Stake Missionaries to help the full-time missionaries with the work. That program was disbanded, and remanded to the ward level a few years back. The calling of Stake Missionary was greatly feared, and probably the most refused calling in the church - that and nursery.)

It had been a difficult day at work, and I was in a bad mood when I got in my car. I was already late. I had a 30 minute commute ahead of me, and had to get home, change clothes, and meet the Elders for a missionary lesson. Great. I was not in the mood, and the traffic was only making it worse.

As I got nearer to my home, I started realizing that I was not in a good frame of mind to go to a missionary lesson. I wasn't feeling the Spirit coursing through my being. At all. So I looked at the clock and decided that I had about 20 minutes left to "flip the switch" and get in a better place spiritually, so that I could be of value at the lesson.

As soon as that concept went through my mind, the Spirit sent a much more important concept through my heart. He said:

"If you are having to flip the switch to 'turn on' your spirituality, when exactly did you turn it off?"

Ouch.

That is a tough question. Did I lose the Spirit at work? What chased him away? Contention? Weakness? Sin? For some reason the Spirit had chosen to leave me during the course of the day.

Or did I even have the Spirit with me when I began?  Did I read my scriptures? Did I pray? Was I prepared to enter "Babylon" that day?

All tough questions. 

Part of my responsibility as a priesthood holder, member of the Church, and father is to be ready.

Ready for what? When?

I dunno. Whatever comes. Whenever it comes. Since it is impossible to schedule or need for spirituality and priesthood power, there is really only one solution:

Don't turn off the switch.

Brush with Greatness? Almost.

Every once in a while my EC and I try and get us some of that "culture", so that we can be conversant in things other than teenagers leaving the lights on.  I almost forgot to tell you about this experience, and how close it was to being one of the high points of my life.

We had just paid our admission to the museum, and were going into one of the theaters for a presentation, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something that made me stop in my tracks. I turned to look, but there were people standing in the way. I quietly removed my phone from my pocket, and started to make my way through the crowd.

I was nervous. I knew that this could be one of those "life altering encounters", and I knew that taking a picture was probably not polite, or appropriate. But decorum and rules aside - I was taking this picture.

Knowing that I only had one shot at this, I walked slowly behind and snapped the picture without being seen, then shoved my phone back into my pocket. I entered the theater and sat down next to my wife. She asked me where I disappeared to. I told her I needed to take a picture. She's knew well enough not to ask why.

Imagine my disappointment as I looked more closely at the picture. Not just the blurry quality, but the subject. It turned out that it was a woman with a mohawk wearing fatigues. Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with women with mohawks and fatigues, although the fanny pack strapped to her leg was a little disarming. No, the problem was that she was not who I was hoping for.

But in my defense, I feel her shirt was a little bit misleading.

I guess I'll just have to keep waiting and watching...
But mark my words: Before I die, I will take a picture of one of the Three Nephites.

LDS Humor, Mormon Humorist, LDS satire, funny mormons
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Fists and Brains

--Post-dinner conversation with my 4th grader as we cleaned the kitchen Tuesday evening--

Dad! I need to go to the dollar store!
How come?
Because one of the kid's at school today had a new calculator. He said he got it at the dollar store.
Really? How much did it cost?
A dollar.
Wow. That's a good deal.
Can we go?

--I look to my EC for instructions. She nods, granting permission--

Yes, we can go - but first we need to get haircuts. Deal?
OK.

-- So, off we went for haircuts and then headed to the dollar store for a calculator. When we arrived, he immediately raced down one of the aisles in search of the legendary $1 calculator. He had already found it before I sauntered up. --

Any luck?
Yeah, but this one is kinda boring.
What about this one - it's bigger and green.
Yeah!
Or this one is green and gray.
That's even better!
How much is it?
A dollar.
Are you sure?
Dad - it's the dollar store!
Guess what..
What?
My treat.
What treat?
My treat. That means I'll pay for it.
No, it's OK, I brought 4 quarters and a dime - for tax.
I'm happy to pay for it.
No, I'm fine. I'll pay for it with my own money.
Alright - that's good. Let's get some colored Tootsie Rolls* for me, and we'll get outta here.
Hey Dad - Since I'm paying for my calculator, it would be OK if you bought me some bubble gum.
Sure. Go ask the man how much it costs.
(hesitation) It's a dollar.
Are you sure?
Dad!
Ha! Almost got you.


--Then the conversation got a bit more "cerebral"--


Hey Dad. Did you know that your brain is the same size as your fist?
What do you mean?
I read in our "Body Book" at school that my brain is the same size as my fist. Yours too.
I think you mean that your heart is the same size as your fist.
No, I mean brain. It was in the book.
No, your fist is the same size as your heart - mine too - brains are a lot bigger.
But Dad, you aren't listening. I read it at school.
But look at the size of your head, then look at the size of your fist. Your brain has got to be a lot bigger, or it would bounce around in there.
Yeah, but it says it in the book!  It must be true, or they wouldn't write it in the book! The book talked about brains, and intestines, and skin, but it didn't talk about the heart at all. So I would have remembered!
OK, OK, easy! Either you misunderstood, or the book is wrong.
I'm not wrong! You're wrong! My brain is the size of my fist!


Hmmm. If it were one of my teenagers, I would have readily agreed.


*Yum

Hang On...There's Something Vaguely Familiar About That Cliff

There are many things that have to happen before the Second Coming, but I don't recall hearing about this in HP Group meeting: Last week an American tourist named Sandra Clifford was sightseeing in Ireland. She went to a lovely spot called the "Cliffs of Moher", and much to her surprise she saw Jesus looking back at her. She even had the wherewithal to take pictures!

Here they are - First, from a distance:

Then a close-up:

At first glance I thought "Wow! Who'da thunk!". But as I looked closer, I started having my doubts. First of all, we really don't have any idea what Jesus looked like, so we need to narrow it down.

We have the Jim Caviezel modern-ish version:

Or the Americanized version that the LDS culture embraces:

But upon more careful study, I began to have my doubts.  As much as the cliff looks like Jesus, you could also make the case that it looks even more like Aragorn. And, according to my wife, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Or, there is an outside chance that we are really looking at

My intention is not to pick a fight with Sandra the Tourist - I'm sure she is a lovely person - but after spending several hours (minutes) researching this matter, I have come to the conclusion that it is not actually the face of Jesus embedded in that cliff.

It is a Transformer. And hopefully not a Decepticon.

Here's the original article:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2061455/Jesus-Cliffs-Moher-American-tourist-Sandra-Clifford-spots-Christ-Ireland.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

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Awesomest Awesome Blog Awards

I have been the recipient of several "Blog Awards" over the past year. All of them are kind. I notice them on other's blogs as well. Essentially, they are a digital "pat on the back". I have received several such awards from really nice people. It is satisfying to be acknowledged by fellow bloggers, and I do appreciate them. However, I am proud to say that my humility has prevented me from posting any of those awards on my blog. (And, I am usually too lazy to jump through the hoops to get them.)

So, in an effort to spread joy throughout the blogosphere, I have created a whole mess of blog awards which you can use at your discretion. As you know, there is a lot of everything in the blogging world, so I tried to create a variety because even the bad blogs deserve some sort of recognition.

At the risk of sounding self-righteous, I would like to point out that several of these awards should be awarded directly back to me, because I deserve them. I will leave that up to you.

Feel free to take them and share them with those deserving bloggers.

There are a few bloggers out there who - through their experiences, or situations - always seem to bring me to tears. Which causes headaches and runny noses.

Some people have the ability to "Pump You Up!" and get you motivated. They are deserving of the "Hans & Franz Award".

Put the ice cream down, let go of the spoon, and slowly step away.

Some writers have the insight, spirit and skill to inspire me. The Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day...

(I imagine this could also be used for the exact opposite effect. Sorry.)

Sometimes you follow a blog and come to the obvious conclusion that the blogger is just plain nuts. Bonkers.

And you keep reading. (Yes, this is for you - you know who I'm talking to)

Having a rough night? Can't sleep?

There are some blogs that can be counted on to solve that problem, and they should be recognized.

The Visine Award is for those blogs that have spelling and grammar that is soooo bad that it actually causes your eyes to burn.

This is not an award that anyone should want to get. It is for those who intentionally try to lead people away from the truth. Yes, they are out there, in force. They are smooth, they are logical, they are evil. And they'll get theirs. (Read Alma 30)

Because in the world of Mommy Blogs, there are poop stories,

and there are POOP stories.

I was going to name this one "The Melissa" but since she is kinda shy, I thought she might not appreciate it.

You know when you find a blog that is full of amazing insight and ideas on how to raise terrific kids? Then you read a little bit more and realize the blogger's oldest kid is only 12? Whaa?

 This award is for them - and they get to keep it until they have at least one of their kids successfully out of the home.

This one is my favorite. Yet I'm not going to explain it. I recommend that you research it.

Some bloggers tell stories about their children that make you want to have more kids. Lots more.

Others tell stories that make you want to be celibate. This award can work both ways.

I can tell you are smart. So smart, in fact, that I don't really understand what you are telling me. Yes, it is beautifully written, but I don't have my thesaurus handy, so I'm just going to click back over to PeopleofWalmart.com

The "One Note Award" can best be explained by Elder Dallin Oaks in his General Conference talk "Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfalls".

Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve has likened the fulness of the gospel to a piano keyboard. He has told us that a person could be “attracted by a single key,” such as a doctrine he or she wants to hear “played over and over again. … Some members of the Church who should know better pick out a hobby key or two and tap them incessantly, to the irritation of those around them. They can dull their own spiritual sensitivities. They lose track that there is a fulness of the gospel … [which they reject] in preference to a favorite note. This becomes exaggerated and distorted, leading them away into apostasy” (Full talk here.)

And finally, the highest award for the totally self-absorbed blogger:

If you would like to use any of these awards, feel free.  Here is the link:
http://s1138.photobucket.com/albums/n530/midleagedmormonman/Blog%20Awards/

PDA's: Parental Displays of Affection

My kids hate to see my EC and me hug and kiss. They cringe and avert their eyes. They say "C'mon you guys!". But, I know it's just for show. They don't really mind - and even if they did, it wouldn't stop me. I'm going to hug and kiss my wife. If they don't want to witness it, they can leave the room.

(Just to avoid the obvious confusion, the picture above is not me and my wife - it is Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman - but I completely understand if you thought it was us.)

In October conference, Elaine Dalton, (Young Women General President) gave a wonderful talk to the fathers about how to raise happy and well-adjusted daughters.  She referenced up a quote that President David O. McKay liked to use:

“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”¹ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion."
(link to the full talk here)


I'm sure we are all familiar with that quote, but I wanted to see where it originated.  It turns out that the original quote was  "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." The man who first said it was Theodore Hesburgh. He was a Catholic Reverend, and was the President of the University of Notre Dame for 35 years. Terrific thought and quote. I'm glad our church had embraced it.

Sister Dalton went on to define ways we can show our daughters, including tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion and devotion. All of these are hugely important, and we would all do well to follow her counsel.

But I want to add another:  Passion. What? My kids don't need to witness passion! Get your minds out of the gutter! Our kids need to witness that we really do love each other, and that we aren't just roommates sharing parental responsibilities. They need to see that there is an element of romance and passion in our marriages, because our behavior is what they will base their marriages on.

Here are MMM's 5 suggestions to SHOW your kids that you really love each other passionately. I have also learned from my experience that these five things also make for much stronger marriages, which will bless your children's lives - and yours.

1) Pucker Up. Don't be shy about kissing, hugging and holding hands with your kids present. They act like they hate it -and maybe they do - but it reinforces that your desire to hug your spouse is more important than their discomfort. (Note:  Don't be ridiculous about this - they don't need to think their parents are pervs with no self-control)

2) Be Inseparable. Sit next to each other in church/movies/etc. I know, there is a natural tendency to sit as far away from each other as possible, with the kids corralled in-between. Resist this impulse. Sit by each other. Hold hands. In years of sitting on the stand, I have seen a strong correlation that the couples with the strongest marriages usually sit next to each other in church.

3) Date Night!  Go on dates - weekly if you can. I am constantly amazed when I hear someone say "We haven't been on a date in three months" but the couple manages to attend every soccer/baseball game all season long. The marriage is more important that the kids hobbies.  Is it a money issue? Trade babysitting. Exploit the grandparents. Guilt a Beehive into doing it for service. Do cheap things. which leads us to..

4) Temple Time.  Go to the temple together. Let your kids know. Sometimes spouses will trade-off -one will attend, the other will stay home, then they swap. Go together. After all, temple is really all about that very relationship, isn't it? And it is a cheap date.

5) Bedtime. Go to bed at the same time.  I know I'm talking to the blogging world, and some of you might not understand what I am saying, so I will type it again, more slowly:  Go to bed at the same time.  Why? As your kids get older, they start to notice stuff like that, and if dad goes to bed, and mom stays up to clean the kitchen, questions will rightfully arise in their minds. Likewise, if mom goes to bed, and dad stays up to surf the internet, you are just asking for trouble. Kids are aware of these things...

Do these things, and your kids will have a greater sense that your spouse is your top priority. Ask any one of the FOMLs the following question, and you will get the same answer:

If a car was coming towards you, your mom and your dad, and your dad could save either you or your mom, who would he save?

All of my kids would answer "Mom". And they would be right.


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A Quiet Veteran

My Dad was a "Navy Man".

Better said, he served in the Navy. On the day of his high school graduation, he came home to find a draft notice waiting for him in the mailbox, and off he went.

He served in the Pacific theater, in places like Guadalcanal, and post-surrender Japan. But that is about all I know. He didn't talk about it. He never claimed any veterans' benefits, he never went to the VA hospital, he never wore a Navy hat. He didn't cheer for Navy - only the Cougars and the Utes. (Depending on who was winning a the time.) He most definitely did not have an anchor tattoo on his shoulder. He did have an awesome Navy pea coat that I wore in college. (Seriously authentic vintage.)

Once in a while I would try and dig a little. He would usually change the subject. One time he did spill with a story about how he and his buddies would goof-off when they were in the city in Japan on shore leave. For yuks, a few of them would stand behind a car stopped at a light, and when the light turned, they would pick up the back end of the car, leaving it spinning its wheels in the air. The frustrated Japanese driver would stop the car, get out, and shoo the laughing sailors away. They would scatter while the driver got back into the car, and then return- just in time to lift it again.

That's it - my only story of my father's WWII Navy experience was him messing with the vanquished locals.

My Dad passed away several years ago. He didn't leave a written personal history, but my siblings and I were able to pry a lot of information and experiences out of him his last years. Still, when it came time to talk about war, he changed the subject. When asked why, he would say it was "boring", or "there's nothing much to tell".

I don't know if that is true or not, but I do know that whatever he experienced in WWII, he wanted to leave in the past. The lack of information makes me speculate:  Was it so rough that he didn't want to share it? Was the Navy life something he would rather forget? Did he witness things he would rather leave forgotten?

He was a Veteran, but you would have never known. He was a Navy man. But, ahead of that, he was a husband, a father, a teacher, a church leader, a business man, and so many other things. Veteran was far, far down the list - because that is how he chose to define himself. He served, returned to his life, then went on a mission for 3 years and served the Lord. He talked about that service often, proudly, and fondly.

I miss him.


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The Book of Mormon on Broadway? Been There, Done That.

No. I did not go see "The Book of Mormon" on Broadway. Sheesh. I thought you knew me better than that by now.  (I did see Spiderman - it rocked)

Yes, it's old news that The Book of Mormon took the morally bankrupt Broadway world by storm. The glitz, the mockery, the blasphemy - what fun! Even worse is that it has been hugely successful from a financial standpoint. Currently the show is making around $1.2 million a WEEK.  And of course you know what that means... yep, The Book of Mormon musical will soon be performed at a great and spacious building near you!


Obviously this worldly version of the Book of Mormon on Broadway worked out much better for the investors than the first one.  Yes, the first one. You know, the first time a serious Book of Mormon musical was performed on Broadway - the one based on the actual Book of Mormon.

What? You didn't know?

Yes, it is true. The Book of Mormon has already been made into a Broadway musical. Old news - like 100 years old.
You still look confused...here, let me explain: (and no, I'm not making any of this up)

The Year:     September, 1912
The Place:   Oscar & Hammerstein's Manhattan Opera House, NYC
The Show:

Corianton: An Aztec Romance

A Romantic Spectacular Drama in Four Acts

Note: If you don't know the story of Corianton and his father Alma, and also the story of Korihor, then you should not be reading this right now. Go get your Book of Mormon, read it, gain a testimony of it, and then come back. Then this will make more sense.

The premise of the play is that Corianton was disturbed because God had been so rough on Korihor, causing him to turn away from God. He then turns to a harlot named "Isabel". Fun and frivolity ensue, then of course, the day of reckoning and repentance. Because...wickedness never was happiness.

If you want more detail than that, you're gonna have to read the script for yourself. I suggest caffeine. (Here is the script in ebook format)

Note #2: -In full disclosure mode: I am not a historian, and there are others who have written about "Corianton" with footnotes and everything. Most noteworthy is historian extraordinaire Ardis Parshall.  If you want to read details about how "Corianton" went from novel, to play, to Broadway musical, to movie, then she has just the post for you from 2007. Corianton at Keepapitchinin link.---

The visionary behind the musical was none other than Orestes Utah Bean, a schoolteacher from Richfield, Utah. He developed the script from a novel "Corianton" written by church historian BH Roberts, and another book "A Ship of Hagoth" written by Julia MacDonald. The play was first performed in Utah in 1902.

Ten years later, Mr. Bean took the play to Broadway. He cobbled together enough money to fund the production, commissioned a new musical score, and hired the cast. As far as I can tell, none of them were members of the church. Which begs the question "What were they thinking?"  The answer? They were thinking "Oooh! A paycheck!"  Here are some of the players:


Corianton was played by Robert Warwick - he was the real deal - he would eventually appear in over 200 movies. No, Corianton was not a gangster. These pics were from another movie.

The prophet Alma was played by Charles B. Hanford, who appeared in other Broadway plays - none of them ran very long. This pic is from when he appeared in MacBeth, also authored by Orestes Utah Bean Shakespeare.

The femme fatale? Isabel was played by this cutie named Minnie Tittle Brune. She was born in California, but at one time, she was the most popular actress in Australia. She eventually went on to become a nun back in California - although I could not prove that this musical was directly responsible for that.

Even back then, it was coolest to play the villain.  RD MacLean got rave reviews for his performance as Korihor. He looks awesome. He was in a few plays and a handful of movies. 

Did I mention that the play was a bust?  It only ran for one week - eight performances.  And the critics were vicious.  I never promised that it was a good musical, only that it was the FIRST Book of Mormon musical. And for the record, I never called it "queer". (gasp!)

It sounds like Mark Twain's comment that the Book of Mormon is "chloroform in print" might very well have applied to this musical version as well. Apparently it ran well past midnight, and was a bit "dry" shall we say?

To finish up, here is a review from the New York Times - enjoy! 

There you go. Personally? Glad I missed it. Just like the new one. Hoping you feel a little more "cultured" now. Glad I could be of help.