On Your Mark...

4th Quarter Comeback
Conference Prep.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my 4th Quarter Comeback. It has been so amazing to see the idea gain some traction and that so many of you feel the same way. I guess I'm not the only who wants to rough up 2011 before it's over.

In my comeback, General Conference plays a key role. I plan on using what comes out of Conference to help direct me in choosing which things to tackle. Today I am going to let you take advantage of my years of wisdom. Why? Because I care about each and every one of you. Not just EACH one of you. EVERY one of you.

Here's the deal:  I do not understand, nor believe, that we can maximize the impact of Conference in our lives if we do not take notes. So there. Wait. I'm going to go back and bold that.

I have spent Conference taking notes, not taking notes, sleeping, driving, going to soccer games, etc. - even going on vacations (oh, the shame!), but it wasn't until about nine years ago that I finally grasped the importance Conference and note taking. This was solidified when I was bishop.  Here's why:

Some of the most important things you can learn in Conference are not in the talks and will not show up in the Ensign next month because they were never spoken. (Gonna bold that too.)  If we watch conference carefully, the Spirit will share all sorts of wonderful insights with us because we are focused and open. Personal scripture. Many times I have gone back to find some particular passage in a Conference address, only to find it wasn't ever said. But...if we don't write these things down, they can slip away - like when you wake up with a dream you are trying to hold onto.  And for me, I think the Spirit has more respect for me when I actually dedicate my time to watching live. DVR works, but not as well.

So, I'm here to help. I am going to show you how I take notes in Conference. There are probably systems that work better, but I don't care because I like mine. It works.

First you need a notebook or a journal. (See picture above) Not the back of a tithing receipt, or a napkin. You need something that can stand up to orange Cheeto marks and soda spills.  (What? You don't have snacks during Conference?) The notebook, journal, diary etc. needs to still be around for the next six months, or longer.

This is a random page out of my notebook from last Conference.  (Yes, the handwriting is terrible.  When I do my personal history, I'm going to need a pharmacist to help me.)

Important note:  Don't try and write down everything everyone says. That is what LDS.org is for. Write down things that you find important - most importantly, write down the things the Spirit is telling you as you listen. Btw - the things the Spirit might be talking about might not have anything to do with the topic of the talk.

See the little symbols down the margin?  This is where my notebook becomes extra helpful. Each symbol has a different job.

The "!" is where I got an idea, or a prompting. Might be about me, my family, my calling, my job, how to fix the lawnmower. It is whatever idea pops into my head. Write it down.

The circles are effectively my Conference "To-Do List". Talk to "X" about "Y". Read "Z". Go do this or that.  Again - it is Spirit-driven.  Sundays are a good time to go back and review them. Sometimes there are a lot, so I move them to my planner.

The star is a mark to remind me to go back and get further information - find a quote that was used, look up a story referenced, or something that I want to make sure I re-read when the talks are posted online.

Yes. I know it is incredibly complicated. (I suggested that they teach it at BYU as Religion 421, but never heard back.) That's what I do. It might not be your cup o' decaf tea, but it works for me. If you have never taken notes, you will stand all amazed at how much better conference can be. (Did you see how I worked in a hymn title there?)

Also, kids with notebooks equals quieter kids, and eventually adults with notebooks.

Have a great weekend. May Let God bless you.

4th Quarter Comeback

Conference Prep:

There's nothing more exciting in sports than when a team that has been written off pulls together and makes a big push to come from behind and win an important game. Many iconic football and basketball stars have had this knack  Guys like Joe Montana, Peyton Manning and John Elway have become legendary - partly from their ability to pull off the 4th Quarter Comeback. How about LeBron James. (Kidding - Just checking to see if sports fans are paying attention.)

Now, I don't want to frighten anyone, but take a look at your calendar.  See Saturday?  Yes, it is General Conference.


What? You're telling me that they have Conference on Saturday too?  Who knew?!

Yes, there has always been Conference on Saturday, and, just to  reward the faithful, Saturday sessions are usually better than Sunday sessions. Give it a try.

Where was I...

Oh, this Saturday is not only conference, but it is Q4. The first day of the 4th quarter. Yes, 'tis true - the year is 75% over. We are due for a flurry of holidays, and then 2011 will be gone. Over. Irretrievable. Before you know it, we will find ourselves waking up, laying on our backs, staring at the ceiling saying to ourselves:

"Argh! It is New Years and I didn't get the things done that I had hoped for this year. And now it's time to make the same stupid resolutions again - and most of my new resolutions will be the same stuff that I resolved to fix last year."

Yes, the dreaded New Year's self-assessment. So often it ends in failure.

2011: The year I stopped drinking the ambrosia that is Mt. Dew. (Then started again in June)
2011: The year we struggled with Family Scripture study the most in 15 years.
2011: Can you say "yo-yo dieting"?
2011: The year I did not meet my temple goals.
2011: The year my gym membership worked out to $60 per visit.
2011: The year I did not meet my financial goals.
Etc. (your mileage may vary)

(Just a note: Now is not the time to go all "forget-me-not patient and charitable with myself" - This is leading somewhere)

2011 has not been a particularly "kind" year to many of us. In fact, I know many who have struggled this year. If 2011 were to end this Saturday, I would gladly throw it on the trash heap, dust of my hands, gird up my loins, and start over.

Nope. Not this year. This year I am going to do something different. I am going to stage a late rally. Starting Saturday, I am going to make a 4th Quarter Comeback. You see, this year is not over yet. I have not yet heard the viking-clad woman singing. There is still time to get things done. There is still time to make changes. There is still time to improve.

I want to wake up on New Year's morning, stare at the ceiling, and say "Hah. I kicked 2011's butt." And then go back to sleep. Later in the day, I want to make a whole new set of goals that build on what I accomplished in 2011, instead of the same old stuff.

Yes. I am shifting uncomfortably in my seat as I type this...  How am I going to do this? Here is the plan:

1) Between now and Saturday, I'm going to review my year, and what I had hoped to accomplish.
2) This weekend I am going to sit at the feet of the prophets and learn what the Lord wants me to focus on.
3) Discuss these things with my EC and come up with a game plan.
4) Clear it with the Lord.
5) Spend the next 13 weeks - 92 days - getting it done. (I can do most anything for 90 days)
6) Look back at 2011 fondly, as a time where I flexed my soggy self-mastery muscles.

It is time for my 4th Quarter Comeback.

Who's with me?

Why You Won't Hear About Flowers in Priesthood Session

It turns out that the illustrious blog commenter known as "Tall Girl Running" has some inside scoop and has been able to secure a sneak peak of what the men will be hearing this Saturday at Priesthood Conference:

(Just as I suspected - thanks TGR!)

LDS Humor, Mormon Humorist, LDS satire, funny mormons

10 Reasons You Don't Mess With Elder Russell M. Nelson

Sure, he may seem like the sweet little grandfatherly type, but don't under-estimate Elder Nelson...the man's got skills!

1. Knows how to "feast on doughnuts." (Link here)

2. Got roughed up by machine-gun weilding African bandits, and still showed up to his scheduled church meetings the next morning - when he was 84. (Link here) 

3. Has absolutely no problem cracking open your chest and holding your beating heart in the palm of his hand.

(Was on the team that developed the very first heart-lung machine in 1951)

4. Big-time snow skier -  one of his "greatest loves."

5.  Attended University of Utah. (We'll give him a pass)

5. Army doctor during the Korean War - trained doctors in the M.A.S.H. units. (No, he did not meet Hawkeye Pierce. Or Radar.)

6. Has 10 kids - 9 of them girls! (Good thing surgeons make the big bucks)

7. Performed heart surgery on Spencer W. Kimball - when he was President of the Church. (No pressure!)

8. Speaks English, French, and Spanish. And Russian. Oh, and Chinese too.

9. He and his wife sold their blood to pay for medical school.

10. Is an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Bonus item:

11. Has perfect pitch. And plays the piano.



.

We Are at War

This is my final contribution to the Family Proclamation Celebration that has been running the past couple of weeks.

Thanks to the wonderful ladies who put it together. It has been great!

Through the miracle of search engine technology and WikiLeaks, I was able to uncover this document from a recently held board meeting of the Adversary and his minions. Luckily, none of it has been redacted, and there is plenty to show how the battle plan is unfolding for the dark side...

Meeting MInutes of Adversarial Services - US Division

Date: 9/20/2011

Location: Hades

In attendance:  Adversary, Head Minion-in-charge of US Operations (HM), Special Assignment Imps (SAI).

HM:  Hope you are all having a miserable morning.  It has been 16 years since the document "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" was issued by our enemies in the Mormon Church. As you know, this document has served as a great motivator for us as we look to destroy all that is "good" on the earth. In an attempt to keep this brief, I will ask for specific reports.

First, how is the battle against gender-definition going?

SAI-G:  Um.  That would be me.  Going good.

HM: That is your report? "Going good"? I will need more detail, or you will need more flogging.

SAI-G:  Well, it has been going OK for a while now. We have been working really hard to "normalize" the idea that gender is not really that big of a deal, and that you can change it if you don't like what you originally got when you came to earth.

HM: And how are you doing this?

SAI-G:  First, we have some really good technology that helps people actually make the physical change. And from the social aspect, popular culture has made it a lot easier - there is a very vocal minority that is really, really loud. Loud and proud. We tap into that.

HM: I heard you have had some major successes lately - one in particular.

SAI-G: Yeah, it has been crazy. We were able to get a transgendered woman/man onto one of the most popular TV shows in America. Everyone is writing about it, people talk about it and use words like "bravery" and "courage" - and the applause is amazing. It has gone a long way in normalizing transgender issues. We figure it will make it a lot easier for other people to make the switch.

Adversary: Well done.

HM:  How is the whole marriage thing going?

SAI-M:  That would be me.  It is going pretty well. You know all about the whole California fiasco a couple of years ago. We are still trying to work that though in the court system. Lots of other states are coming around - it is just a matter of time. One of the most satisfying things is that even though the LDS leaders have come right out and declared that marriage is "between a man and a woman" a lot of supposedly strong church members have come out and said that they are pushing for gay marriage anyway. It is hysterical.

HM:  You mean to tell me that active church members are willfully disregarding the counsel of their leaders and supporting gay marriage?  That is a bit hard to believe...

SAI-M:  I know it sounds hard to believe - but, you've gotta admit, it works for us. You should have seen the way they took out after Boyd K. Packer last year.  Overall, I think we have just about "redefined" marriage to where it is getting meaningless.

Adversary: Packer?  I don't like him. Not one bit.

HM:  Anything else?

Adversary: No. I just really hate Packer.

SAI-M:  One other piece of good news.  We managed to slide  the whole gay marriage issue into the most popular TV comedy in America. It makes it look even more normal - and the show is hysterical - and everybody watches it. They are probably too busy laughing to realize what they are buying into.

Adversary:   I have seen it. It is really funny, and it won a bunch of Emmy's last night. I'm impressed.  Get it? Imp-pressed? Nevermind.

HM: Quick report on family structure? Anyone?

SAI-F:   A quick report is that we are doing a good job in convincing everyone that the "traditional family" is dead and gone.

HM:  That is quite a bold statement. And how can you back it up?

SAI-F:  Statistics!  Just Google "marriage" and look at the current news. Everyday there is some new study, report or editorial that shows that we just about have this knocked out.  Also, we have tweaked the economy, which has helped us get a lot of young men to hold off on getting married until late - if ever.  One of my favorite things is watching the church leaders get up every six months and tell the men to turn off the video games and get married.  I love it. Also, huge numbers of children are now being raised in homes where there is no father. Dads have become "optional". And we all know how that messes things up.

Adversary:  This is great news!  We all know that if there is no dad in the home, we have a much better shot at taking those kids down. (applause)  What about sex?

HM: Sex?

Adversary: Yes. I would like a report about sex.

HM: OK. It is everywhere! We have done a great job of sexualizing everything. TV, movies, clothes, education. Everybody's doing it, everyone talks about it. We have almost completely obliterated any kind of restraint from society. And porn is everywhere and really easy to get to. The porn guys should be commended for doing such a great job. (Big applause)

Head Porn Imp: Thanks, I appreciate it.

Adversary: Excellent. Sex is a great weapon. Interesting how God took something so important and gave it to every bozo on earth. It almost makes our job too easy.

HM:  Anyone want to weigh in with anything else?

SAI-W:  Sir, I don't want to look like a kiss-up, but I would like to point out that your idea - way back - that we should encourage women to enter the workforce was genius. Because the economy is so screwed up, a lot more women need to work outside the home, and they aren't doing us any favors. But there are lots of women that are working so they have enough money to buy bigger houses, better cars, or even plastic surgery. I know - but I promise It's true!  In some families mom makes the money and dad stays home.

HM: That is completely backwards. Excellent.

Adversary:   Well, we need to wrap this up, we have plenty more evil to do. I want to thank you for your efforts in "normalizing" the behaviors and lifestyles that our enemies are fighting against. Be warned: We don't have forever, so we need to take out as many people as we can before it all gets wrapped up.  We still hate that "Proclamation" - do whatever it takes to knock it down.  Watch out for those Mormons - they will do everything they can to prop it back up. The most dangerous ones are the ones that actually believe it, and are trying to live it.

And thank you all for your hard work. You will eventually be rewarded for your service with an eternity of fire, brimstone and suffering. Remember, I hate all of you. Well done.


Meeting adjourned.

More Failed Family Mottos

By popular demand (2 readers) I have posted more failed attempts at creating the perfect family motto. (Original post here) These were born out of an honest attempt to come up with a real one, but it is so much easier to come up with bad ones.

(I had to save seats at a HS function and I had 30 minutes to kill with nothing but an iPhone, and I'm tired of Angry Birds)

(Yes, as a matter of fact I do have a scripture app. What is your point?)

SORRY, BUT I HAD TO REMOVE THESE AS OF 11/11/12.

Something about freeing the cows so they can drink milk. I don't completely understand dairy metaphors.

LDS Humor, Mormon Humorist, LDS satire, funny mormons

The Tarzan Principle

The main idea in the post can be a fun way to teach a specific principle of the gospel. It works well in an home or classroom setting, and coupled with the story in the included James E. Faust talk, makes for an effective lesson. Read on...

When offered, I immediately chose to write on the passage for the Proclamation which states: “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

Unfortunately, when we read the second sentence, this is what we hear:

“blah blah, blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah blah, WHOLESOME RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES!” Woo-hoo!

I am not writing about how those “activities” often supersede crucial things like honoring the Sabbath, fulfilling stewardships, attending meetings, etc. Nope. I’m not even going to go there. Disneyland. (Oops, I went there - sorry.)

Instead, I want to spend this invaluable opportunity specifically discussing the 4th item in this important list: Forgiveness. Yep, just the one.

Why? Because forgiveness is hugely important. And, because all of you are now my special friends, I would like you to meet Tarzan. (Just go with it. I promise you won’t regret it.)

As you know, Tarzan lives in the jungle. His favorite mode of transportation is swinging through the trees. It is fast, efficient and exhilarating. He fluidly swings from vine to vine, never touching the ground.

Upon closer examination, you can see that as Tarzan reaches out and grabs the next vine, he releases the vine he had been riding on. This allows him to move forward, constantly grasping new vines to continue his journey.

Imagine what would happen if Tarzan grabbed the next vine, but refused to let go of the old vine? Exactly. He would stop dead - suspended in the air between two vines. To regain his momentum, he would eventually have to choose which vine to release.

Everyone of us finds ourself reaching towards the Savior, towards the atonement - reaching and searching for forgiveness. It is inevitable. It is part of the plan.



However, like Tarzan, if we are trying to grasp the atonement, and refuse to let go of the things we are hanging on to, we stop dead. We lose all spiritual momentum. We are damned.

The Lord said it better, and he didn’t even need to use Tarzan:

“Wherefore I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another;

for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses

standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.”

Doctrine & Covenants 64:9

The greater sin? You are telling me that my refusal to let go of the things that have been done to me - the pains that I have had to endure - will cause me to lose the Lord’s forgiveness and the power of the atonement? Yes. Exactly. You get it.

If we are unwilling to forgive - unwilling to let go - we are condemned, and have denied the core principles of the very atonement we reach for. Seems a bit hypocritical doesn't it - to try to get something for ourselves that we deny others?

I have witnessed the toxic nature of an unforgiving heart. I have seen an unwillingness to forgive prevent couples and families from moving forward and regaining their spiritual momentum. Stalled. Damned.

I have witnessed people who cling to the old vines of anger, accusation and resentment until they are so cankered that they no longer reach for the Savior. Spiritually stuck between two vines. One offers hope and joy, the other condemnation and bitterness.  Personally, at times I have carried grudges far longer than I should, and I have felt those burdens immediately lift and drift away as I decide to release them. Immediately.

I have also seen those who labor to forgive find great peace and happiness as they free themselves from burdens they have been carrying for 10, 20 years, or 10 to 20 minutes. Forgiveness offers hope, peace and spiritual momentum.

Think of your grudges, resentments, hurt feelings, pain. Can you let them go? Can you move forward? For the sake of your happiness, and the happiness of your family, find a way to forgive. It is the only way.
And it is worth it.


-----

Do you want to read more?

The first is an aricle in a recent Deseret News about stories of forgiveness. The second is a Conference talk by President James E. Faust, who I love and miss.

Desert News article

James E. Faust

Providing the Necessities...

As part of the Celebration of the Family Proclamation, we have been invited to consider a photo essay regarding some facet of the proclamation.  I chose:


"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."

Providing the necessities...hmmm. 

A Photo Essay

A father's role is to provide the basics of life - food, shelter, education, as well as the spiritual essentials such as family prayer, family scripture study and FHE.

I'm pretty sure if there had been more room, they would have included most of these things.

I am not quite sure why these items weren't specifically listed. Perhaps it is because it is now a "worldwide church" and necessities vary from place to place.

*Yeah. The black velvet Elvis painting is questionable - maybe more of a "want" than a "need"- but I did see a black velvet painting of Joseph Smith in Tijuana once.
Shoulda bought it - It was fabulous.

With Great Spiders Come Great Responsibility

On Monday night I was sitting in my comfy chair recovering from FHE and the resulting spiritual fatigue that had set in after posting my brilliant mormon.org profile. (Which you can read here...just kidding) My 14 year-old son walked in carrying a giant flashlight.

MMM:  What's that for?

FOML3: When I was washing the porch on Saturday, I saw a black widow.

MMM: Did you get it?

FOML3: No, it crawled back under the edge of the house before I could.

I would like to stop here and point out a couple of things:

1) My son was doing chores on Saturday and lived to tell the tale.

2) He saw a black widow and waited 3 days to tell me.

MMM: So let's go find it.

FOML3: I already looked, but couldn't see it.

MMM: I'll help.

I extricated myself from my comfortable position and we went outside. He pointed out where the web was, and where he saw the spider. There were a couple of newer web strands that I kicked with my flip-flop. (Yes, you read that correctly: I'm an idiot) But we saw no spider. My son was ready to give up and go in. Not me.

I looked around the area to see if I could find where it was hiding. Next to the wall was the bike rack, with two bikes, and on the ground were three helmets. I pointed to one of the helmets.

MMM: If I were a spider, that is where I would hide. Look - there are webs on it.

FOML3: That is disgusting.

We shined the flashlight in the helmet, but couldn't see anything. My gut told me there was a spider in there. The helmet belonged to my youngest son - he's the only one we can still cajole into wearing one.

MMM: Let's take this in and see if we can find it.

FOML3: In the house? Are you crazy? Don't pick it up! (I picked it up)

MMM: Here, you carry it.

FOML3: No way!

MMM: Oh, it's fine. (This was false bravado, I was plenty nervous)

What was making this enjoyable is that FOML3 really hates spiders. During this whole process he was doing the whole "involuntary shudder" thing, which is really quite entertaining, as long as it is happening to someone else.

We took the helmet in the kitchen and started filling the sink. I dropped the helmet in, and it floated. That meant I had to push it down and hold it under the water to drown this critter. As the water rose, the spider slowly emerged from one of the holes in the helmet and attempted to climb to higher ground. However, higher ground was occupied by my hand. (Involuntary shudder)

I shook the helmet and the spider fell off into the water.  My son pulled out his phone and took a picture. Here he is:  Oops, here SHE is:

I told my son to reach down and pull the drain stopper. He actually said "Are you crazy?" So I did it. A quick flick of the garbage disposal switch and our nemesis was no more. We took apart the helmet and put it on a towel to dry.

It was about this time that my EC walked in and asked what we were doing with FOML5's helmet.  FOML3 quickly related the story, and my wife exercised such restraint as I have never witnessed. Why? Not because a black widow had taken up residence in my youngest child's bicycle helmet, but because...

...it was my fault.

I knew it, and she knew it. But she didn't say a word. She didn't need to. I felt so guilty. She looked at me, and the reaction must have been blatant, because my son was suddenly curious and asking what was the wrong. Neither of us told him that it was my fault.

You are probably wondering why I am willing to take the blame for something that can easily happen to anyone. Who can control nature? So here's the quick backstory:

Earlier in the year I was late paying the exterminator. We started getting phone calls. Dozens. With the computerized auto-dialer. They were relentless. Dozens of calls a day. After a couple days of this, I told the rep that I would take care of the bill, but if they ever call me again with the auto-dialer, I would never do business with them again! We had been good customers for 10 years, and they were driving me crazy with the computerized phone calls.

They called back. So, being "a man of integrity", I cancelled the service. My EC was not pleased, but I reassured her I would get someone else to do it. I never did.

Basically, the thought that was running through both our minds was this:  My ridiculous stubbornness put our son in jeopardy. I let my personal, petty feelings get in the way of protecting my family. Imagine my son putting that helmet on, pedaling off to school...  

Today I'm calling the exterminator.

-----

As always, I look for lessons in life experiences.  This one has bunches. Feel free to find your own messages in this.

Failed Family Mottos

Right now, our home consists of 4 FOMLs  (Fruit of my loins)- all boys - my EC (Eternal Companion), and me. My daughter is away, leaving my poor EC as the sole source of estrogen in the house (except when my boys watch Glee). I don't know why how she does it.

Mom has been talking about how we need to develop a family motto, or mission statement, that we can get framed and put on the wall as a constant reminder of who we are, and what we stand for.  It is a great idea - and serious business.

So, as a surprise to her, my boys and I took on the task of developing the family motto.  It was a mistake. After looking at our failed attempts, it is obvious that Mom needs to do it be involved in the process.



SORRY, BUT I HAD TO REMOVE THESE AS OF 11/11/12.

Something about freeing the cows so they can drink milk. I don't completely understand dairy metaphors.

Suppertime

I am posting this as part of the Family Proclamation Celebration which is running from now until September 23. To learn more, click here.

When we bought our most recent home, it took us all of one week to make the decision. It took us a little longer to pick out the carpets, colors, countertops etc. But the thing that took us months and months was picking out one particular piece of furniture:

Our kitchen table.

We looked everywhere to find the right table. I don't even want to recall how many furniture stores we visited. We would walk in, walk directly to the kitchen tables, and within 30 seconds we would walk back out - much to the chagrin of hungry salesmen. We weren't being picky or snobby - I take that back - we were being extremely picky and snobby. (I prefer the terms "discerning" or "particular".)

We wanted a kitchen table that was:
a. Round (So we could all see each and be equal at the table à la King Arthur)
b. Seats eight (Seven of us +gramma)
c. Wood (Wood never goes out of style)
d. Damage resistant coating (5 kids, meals, games, homework, etc.)

It turned out to be a much tougher challenge than we bargained for, but we finally found exactly what we were looking for.

So why the big hullaballoo about a table? Let me tell you: The kitchen table is the most important piece of furniture you own. What happens around that table will have more impact on your kids than anywhere else in the house.  And no, I'm not making this up - evidence will follow.

There are time we sit around that table and talk as a family, and I will look and catch the eye of my EC and we will silently communicate to each other:  "This is an important moment." And they are moments that would not have happened if we weren't sitting around our special table, sharing a meal.

How many of those moments have we missed because one kid is off here, the other is off there, or we are yelling at the Sonic guy that we want a LARGE tots?

Back in 2006, Time Magazine published an article "The Magic of the Family Meal." (Link below) the author used several studies to show that kids from homes that ate dinner together are healthier, happier and have better grades.  Take a look - it is a great argument for taking a look at one of the sad societal changes that we have undergone.

It's one thing to have Time talk about it - but what do the experts say. I thought you'd never ask. The foremost experts on family relations in the world have spoken out on this subject consistently over the past decade. In fact, over the past 8 years, I have found 10 General Conference talks that mention family mealtimes.

So, to bless your lives, I have included quotes and links to talks given by General Authorities about dinnertime. The first two are from two of the greatest talks I have ever read in my entire life. (Seriously!)

"The number of those who report that their “whole family usually eats dinner together” has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together “eating meals at home is the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.” Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs. There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

"Good, Better, Best" October, 2007

"It takes courage and willpower to avoid overscheduling

so that your family can be home for dinner."

Elder Larry R.  Lawrence

"Courageous Parenting" October, 2010

"Dad’s home was a house of learning. He said at his father’s funeral that he had never learned a gospel principle at a Church meeting that he hadn’t already learned in his own home. The Church was a supplement to his home. My home was a house of order. It was of utmost importance (in spite of many hectic schedules) for us to be together for breakfast and dinner. Mealtime meant more than just refueling. It was a crucial time for nourishing spirits as well as bodies."

President Susan Tanner

"Did I tell You" April, 2004

"Much of the teaching and relationship building in families takes place in those brief, unplanned moments during our daily routine. The dinner table is a place to connect with each other, share our daily activities, listen to and encourage each other, and even laugh together. I know laughter lightens the load. Dear mothers and fathers, make a regular mealtime for the people you love."

President Bonnie D. Parkin

"Parents Have a Sacred Duty" June, 2006

"With that in mind, when we sit down at the dinner table, is our whole family there? I remember as a young man asking permission to play baseball through dinnertime. “Just put my meal in the oven,” I said to my mother. She responded, “Robert, I really want you to take a break, come home, be with the family for dinner, and then you can go out and play baseball until dark.” She taught all of us that where family meals are concerned, it’s not the food but the family interaction that nourishes the soul."

Elder Robert E. Hales

"Our Duty to God: The MIssion of Parents and Leaders to the Rising Generation." April, 2010

"The Magic of the Family Meal" - Time Magazine

So I dare you: Count up the number of times your entire family sat down for dinner together this past week, and try to improve on it next week.  If life is just to busy, maybe it's time to re-evaluate.

-

The Proclamation Celebration

In September if 1995, the Church released "The Family: A proclamation to the World" - what I lovingly refer to as D&C 139. It is a masterwork that highlights the Church's (and God's) position on all sorts of hotbed issues like gender roles, sexuality and family. I love it. Last year a group of blogging ladies put together a blog event to celebrate the Proclamation. it was such a big hit, they are doing it again. Yup. This is my first "Blog Event".

And they've asked me to help. What? Legitimate bloggers co-mingling with MMM??  Yes, it is true. I will be have a guest post as part of the celebration on Sunday, September 18th. And I am proudly humble to tell you that it will be fabulous. I promise. Please note it on your calendar, or set a timer on your phone, email friends and family etc.

At first I thought this whole thing sounded a little "girly", and was concerned that the "celebration" would include articles on eyelash extensions and stretch-marks, but I went back and looked at last year's, and this is a good thing. Oh, and they are giving stuff away, too. (Don't look at me!)

Everyday from now until September 23, there will be articles, music and all sorts of "Proclamationy" stuff on the following websites:

Chocolate on my Cranium

We Talk of Christ

The Red-headed Hostess

Welcome to the Madness

So, to read and learn more about families, and how to teach your kids these important principles, I invite you to participate.
Ask yourselves, "Has MMM ever steered you wrong?"  Of course not.

An Urban Legend...?

When I was a kid I read about a car crash that happened in the State of Ohio back in the late 1800's in which two cars collided. The fact that there was an accident wasn't that interesting, until you consider that they were the only two cars in the state of Ohio at the time. That story always stuck in my head because of the sheer implausibility.

So, I tried to verify this story. The best I could do was to come up with two conflicting accounts with the same premise - one set in 1895, the other in 1906 - both in Ohio. Even though the story is included in several different publications, it has all the earmarks of an urban legend.

But is it plausible?

I found that by making two simple changes in the story, it becomes not only plausible, but very believable. The simple changes are:

Replace "State of Ohio" with "My Driveway"
and
Replace "1906" with "Last Week".

Yes. It is no longer an urban legend. I did, in fact, crash into my very own car in my very own driveway.

I'm so proud.

You see, our garage is on the side of the house, requiring a small 3-point turn to take a straight shot to enter the garage. I can do it in my sleep, and often do. Last week I pulled into the driveway, and reversed to swing the back end of my truck around. And the truck stopped. Confused, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw nothing. Side-view? Nothing. Then I turned around to look out the back window. There, tucked neatly into my blindspot, was one of my cars. With the ashen-faced FOMLs gripping the wheel.

Apparently, my impatient son figured there was a split-second opening were he could slip past me before I backed up, and park in his normal spot. He guessed wrong. Crunch.

Aha! Now was my test. A test to see what kind of man I am becoming. The test to see if D&C 121 is making inroads into my heart.


How did I respond?  How would you respond?

Here is what I did: I sat in my truck, put my head on the steering wheel, and waited. I didn't jump out to assess the damage. I didn't look to see what my son was doing. I just sat. I was really angry. My mind raced through the list of substitute swear words that you all have so generously supplied (here), but found them lacking. I finally settled on "Aaaaaarrrgh!" a la Charlie Brown.  It kinda did the job.

I then rolled down my window and motioned for my son to pull his car up so we could both park. I glanced at the damage, then walked to the mailbox. Meanwhile, my son was pacing around apologizing "Dad, I'm so sorry...".

I got the mail, looked at my stricken son and said "I love you." Then I went in the house, straight into my bedroom and shut the door.

How did I do?

You might not be impressed, you might think me cold, but I consider it a huge personal victory.  The normal prescription for such an occurrence includes verbal fireworks, and huge quantities of guilt heaped upon the offending child. (Please note that I am not bragging. The fact that I even consider this a personal victory is evidence that I am deeply flawed and have a long way to go.)

---
Later, with a cooler head, I talked to my son, accepted his apology, and took the car to get the damage assessed. $1600. I also accepted 10% of the blame, and 100% of the responsibility for the deductible.

No swearing, no accusation, no yelling. One forgiven son. The stuff of legend.

He Who Must Not Be Named

I learned a long time ago, and my life experience has reinforced, that if you can't decide what to do, do nothing. After spending way too much of my time (and yours too), I have decided to continue wearing the cloak of anonymity.

I greatly appreciate your votes...kinda. For some strange reason I thought that you would provide me with a clear directive - a "mandate" if you will. But it got to the point of colossal ridiculousness that I closed it down a day early.  Here's why...

Yup. 91 votes, and it ends as a tie. Who woulda thought?

I also appreciate your comments, and the apparent thought most of you put into them. There were things that I hadn't thought of, insights that were extremely helpful, and some very perceptive comments as well.

Here is my thought process regarding my decision...

1) It really isn't that important. I enjoy writing these silly posts, and really enjoy reading your comments. It is remarkable to me that so many extremely attractive and well-educated people would be interested in what I have to say. I appreciate the compliments.

2) Yes there are parts of my life that will be off-the-table.  Oh well. My family will probably thank me later, and I'll save on potential therapy bills.

3) I will rely on your judgment and discretion as to the validity of my testimony. It doesn't matter if you know me or not. "Truth is truth." (Great Gordon B. Hinckley talk here)

4) My ego has been a bigger player in all of this than I would like to admit. (Crystal's narcissism comment hit home) I would like to be "known", and I would like to have more followers - and that could be easily remedied. But to what end? When I started, I felt a great sense of satisfaction that people would read me without knowing who I am. I still find that to be awesome. I am just a tiny speck in the great blogosphere, and that is OK. (A stupendous speck, but a speck nonetheless) 

5) I can always change my mind. (the "un-ring the bell" comments were very helpful) That is, of course. unless the Mayan calendar is correct, then I only have a few months until the end of the world.

So, sorry to disappoint half of you. I promise you that you aren't missing that much.

Here are a couple things that I would like you to know:

1) This whole blogging thing is really fun from a social aspect. I enjoy the new friendships that I have made, and I enjoy reading your stuff and watching your struggles and successes. (It was a dark day when Cheeseboy announced that he will only be posting on Tuesdays now.)

2) If you have some compelling reason to know who I am - write me - we can talk about it.  middleagedmormonman@gmail.com  (For example: My birthday and Christmas are coming up...)

3) If you know who I am, or think you have me figured out, please don't spill the beans. That's so Junior High.

4) Please let your friends and enemies know about my blog - thus assuaging my fiery ego.

5) The Church is true!

Am I Being "Punked"?

You've gotta be kidding me. I bare my soul about my dilemma, and asked my dear blog friends to help me make a wise decision - and what do I get?

A tie. Not just right now, but all day long. Last night when I posted the survey I thought to myself "there will be a consensus, my friends will help me.  

A tie? Right now its 23 to 23. Earlier to day it was 10 to 10, 15 to 15, 20 to 20. Last night it was 2 to 2. I appreciate the consistency...

So, apparently I was right to be wary. It is a hard decision. I alone must make this decision, and as soon as my EC tells me what to do, I will do just that!

But I do appreciate the comments, and I want to let any cynical lawyer-types to know that I wasn't just doing this to increase blog hits for my non-existent advertisers.  Some of the comments have been valuable. I was a tad bit dismayed that it degenerated into a discussion of which picture I look most like.

If you haven't voted, please do.

If you voted, but didn't leave a comment, then you are a slacker.  I'll keep it up until Friday to give you a chance to shape up.

Thanks! (?)

-MMM- (And that's all you're getting - for now)

"To Be Me, or Not to Be Me. That is the Question"

I am tormented.  I began this blog with the intention of keeping in anonymous. Now I no longer know if that is what I should do.  Here is a random smattering of my thought process:

1) I was concerned that I might embarrass my children. Then I remembered that it is part of my job to embarrass my children on a regular basis. It builds character.

2) When I talk about important, eternal truths, (it's not all fun and games you know) it seems to me that an "anonymous witness" just doesn't have much impact. I would like to put my name on those things. In bold print.

3) The disappointment that some of you will feel if you find out that I truly am a boring, middle-aged mormon man that isn't in your ward.

4) There is a huge well of information and stories I can draw on if I am not worried about protecting my identity.

5) If you have my real name, maybe some of you will send me Ben & Jerry's coupons to show your appreciation for the long, laborious hours I spend trying to enlighten you.

6) If all the people that know and love me find out that I have a blog, I might increase my readership by 3-4 hits a week.

7) MIndi can stop asking if I am Dieter Uchtdorf.

8) Will you guys be more or less open and honest with your comments if you know who I am?

9) I can stop explaining when I mistakenly use my MMM email account when I am at work.


So, there are some thoughts.  Now I am asking your opinion. There is a survey in the upper-right hand column. Please choose one, then write a comment explaining what you think I should do, and why.  I would like to know your thoughts.  I figure if all ten of you vote, there should be a clear preference.

Also, if any of you have gone through this same quandary, please tell me about what you did, and how it turned out.

Thanks for your help, and for reading.  I promise I will read and carefully consider every one of your comments and then proceed to do exactly what my EC tells me to do.

All my best,

-MMM-

I'm a Mormon. Think Big.

In case you have been living under a rock, the Church is in the midst of a large PR campaign in the US. The goal is to let people know that we aren't quite a "peculiar" as some people think.  I know that I need to spend some time this week setting up my Mormon.Org profile.

But as I was thinking about it, I thought that maybe we need to call in some big name "heavy-hitters" for the PR - that's what they do in most marketing campaigns.  So, I took the liberty of designing some new billboards for the "I'm a Mormon" campaign.

So far, the Church hasn't shown any interest. (I'm thinking that might be a good thing.)