A Box of Memories: High School Vinyl

Over the past week I was cleaning out the garage in a failed attempt at having a yard/garage/tag sale. Funny how things that have been missing for decades suddenly become needed or sentimental as a soon as they get put on the table to sell.

In the midst of all the junk, I did stumble upon this magical box...

It contained my record collection from High School to the point in college where I stopped buying albums and switched to CDs. (Roughly early '70s to 1984)

The funny thing is, much of the most important music from those years is not in my collection. My friends and I were masters at taping each other's albums, and living off of cassettes.  (Nowadays you would probably get sued by the RIAA.)

So, here a a few of the albums that jumped out at me and brought back great memories. These are all from before I graduated form High School. I'm sure you have you own collection in your head, or in your garage. Please share!
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When I was 13, my parents bought me my very own record player. (plastic, teakwood needle - awesome!) My mom had no idea what records to buy, so she asked the guy at the record store his opinion. She came home with these:

Chicago "VII"

Yes "Fragile"

Still two of my favorite albums. They definitely influenced my musical tastes for years to come. Thank heavens the guy didn't send my mom home with Neil Diamond or Waylon Jennings. (Although I will admit that I memorized my sister's copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.)

Of course, not all of my tastes were so good, I did own, and love, one Wings album...

...even though I was never a Beatles fan.

I knew that when Olivia was singing "I Honestly Love You", she was secretly singing it to me.

 (Sigh)

The male vocalists of the era:

  Kenny Loggins

 Billy Joel

 Dan Fogelberg
 James Taylor
 I think I was the only kid my age that actually owned a Jackson Browne album. Yup, that's me: Mr. Sophisticated.


The first concert I ever saw, and the first album ever given to me by a girl.
 Steve Miller Band (Thanks Jennie!)

Movie Soundtracks were big!
 Yes, I did eat raw eggs like every other red-blooded American boy.

 Don't mock. Who would have predicted that 20 years later I would play the "Rainbow Song" on the guitar with my daughter at a daddy-daughter talent show.

I DID NOT OWN THIS ALBUM: (My parents did!)
 But I knew every song, and danced a mean "Latin Hustle".

Jazz was my friend in HS.


Of course, so was Frampton. Peter Frampton was required listening in the late 70's. It is amazing how well this album has held up 33 years later.


I saw the Cars perform in 1978 as a warm-up band for Styx. I used to hide this album because I was afraid my parents would deem it too risque - and make me throw it away.



What this concert did, in retrospect, was symbolize my personal shift from "Rock" to "New Wave". While many were riding the dying current of 'Disco", I had moved on to the likes of this:


So, that is just some of what I was listening to in my formative years. Maybe one day I will post my college era music - that's when it gets eclectic.

One final influence...
  "the circle of our love...."

Yup. I'm old.

I Found Out Today That I am Now a Minority

Wanna read something sad?

Then this is the post for you.  I found out today that as of the 2010 census, only 48% of US households are headed up by a married couple. Less than half.

My EC and I now belong to a new minority. And within that minority, we belong to an even smaller minority: Happily married households - but I didn't find any statistics on that - although I'm sure it must be small.

Happy for me. Sad for society. Apparently this has been coming for some time. The downward trend has been accelerated from three pressures:

1) Young people postponing marriage.
2) People choosing to live together without getting married.
3) Single-parent families - especially single-mothers.

Perhaps the saddest thing I read was that 39% of Americans now feel that marriage is obsolete.  Obsolete? 8 tracks are obsolete.  Pagers are obsolete. Even Oprah is now obsolete. But marriage?  Heavy, labored sigh.

So, tonight, if you are one of the new minority, and don't feel you spouse is obsolete, give your better-half an extra smooch.

Maybe two.  We are proud to share our newly acquired minority status with you. The more the merrier. (I refuse to make the obvious pun)

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I know many of you wish to be part of this minority, but have not had the opportunity. This next part is obviously not for you.

But, if you fall into one of the three groups listed above, please look to the words of our prophets. They are on top of this.

And again, verily I say unto you, that whoso forbideth to marry is not ordained of God, for marriage is ordained of God unto man. (D&C 42:15)

President Monson on postponing marriage

Elder Oaks on divorce

Elder Nelson on Making a happier marriage

President Eyrng on families and society

And the article that got me started on this... http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=13710895

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Please Stop Saying That: Mind Thine End

• This is the second of a series of things that we hear at church on a regular basis that I wish people would stop saying. They are not big, honkin', scary things, just little expressions that you hear frequently that just don't quite work. (Grammatically or doctrinally) The introduction to this series is here. The first post is here.

• If you have suggestions, email them to me at middleagedmormonman@gmail.com, but please don't post them as comments.

Of all the feedback I got on this topic, this was the hands-down winner for most mentioned. Some folks were surprisingly irritated - but please calm down, I doubt that this will impact anyone's shot at exaltation. (I don't want anybody refusing to speak in church because of this post.)

Here it is:

When you finish a testimony or talk, don't close "in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, Amen." I hear it almost every week. It is not a big deal, but apparently many saints don't quite understand the usage. Perhaps even you are scratching your head this very instant saying "I just don't see it."

Thy.  That is the word that doesn't belong at the end of talks, testimonies, blessings, etc.  It does belong at the end of prayers,  It is all about who you are speaking to at the time.

When we pray, we are speaking with our Heavenly Father, in the name of His Son, Jesus. When we are giving a talk, or bearing a testimony, we are speaking to fellow saints - saints who do not have sons named Jesus.

So, when addressing mere mortals, simply close "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."
When addressing the Father, it is nice, but not necessary, to refer to His Son. 

A little more detail: If you are giving a blessing, or performing an ordinance, you are addressing the person - so no "thy".

Exception: If you are blessing a baby, you are addressing Heavenly Father, so "thy" is OK.

Now, to push it just a little too far...

I have figured out a hypothetical scenario where this doesn't apply. If you were in a Latin culture where many people name their sons Jesus, you could theoretically find a man with the surname Cristo, AND a son named Jesus. Then, (stay with me) if you were given power of attorney to speak on behalf of that boy, you could theoretically say something to his father, and close with the expression "te digo estas cosas en el nombre de tu hijo, Jesus Cristo."  Ta-da!

(Yeah, I should have stopped sooner.)

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Almost Blue...

(Yes, this is two posts in a row about profanity. I swear I won't do another one for a while.  I know - poor choice of words.)

After work I was heading by the bank, and then home - about a 20 minute round trip.  Often I use that time to call the eldest FOML, my daughter at the Lord's University.  I put on my headset, because I am responsible, and called her. She didn't pick up, so I decided to leave her a brief message to say "hello".

The second that her voicemail message ended with a beep, a really large car with Alberta plates, driven by a very old man, cut in front of me, almost taking out my front end.  I slammed on my brakes, barely avoiding the collision. Unnerved I shouted:

"Geez, you geriatric reject!"

I know, I know. Who says that?  It wasn't particularly creative, it definitely wasn't profane, and only the first word would even qualify as a substitute swear word. (More on SSWs here)

Yeah, I am not proud of that outburst (both the fact that I did lash out, and the ridiculous word choice) - nor am I proud that I brought the man's senior citizen status into question. I am sure he was a lovely man, distracted by the big old cigar he was smoking. He never even heard me - my windows were up, and so were his.

Nevertheless, that is what came out of my mouth in my moment of fury. Go figure.

Then I looked over at my phone and realized that I had left my explicative as my voicemail to my daughter. I quickly reached for the phone. In so doing, I accidentally hit the button, ending the call.  Now my daughter would have a message that consisted solely of her father yelling "Geez you geriatric reject!", and then hanging up. I'm sure that will make her feel loved.

So, I called her back and explained myself with yet another message.  Later that night, she called and told me the first message containing my outburst wasn't recorded, but that she did enjoy hearing me try to explain the message she never heard.

I told her that I was really relieved that I hadn't said anything worse. She replied by telling me something that surprised me:

"Dad, I don't think I have ever heard you swear."

"Seriously?"

"Really"

I was so proudly humble to hear that. As I have thought about it, I have since decided there are actually three ways I could interpret what she said:

A)  I have really done a good job learning to control my language.  And my family notices. That makes me happy.

B)  My daughter does not listen to what I say.

C)  She is suffering from profound hearing loss.

I think I will cling to "A", until I am a geriatric reject.

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Verbal Wasabi

(My EC and I are on a sushi kick. What was something we never enjoyed has now turned into a weekly habit. Can't explain it, but we are enjoying it. For those who don't know sushi, there is a green "paste" stuff that you can put on your sushi that gives it some heat, called wasabi. I like it, but it can burn you if you aren't careful.)

Last night, we went to our favorite sushi place, and were seated. My EC sat directly across the table from me. At the table behind her sat three ladies, busily eating and talking. I could see the backs of two of their heads, and could not see the third at all.

But I could sure hear her!  She had a loud, rough voice. Her voice had that quality that made it stand out from all the rest. Not just the greater volume, but the special tone made it impossible to NOT listen to every word that she said. It seemed she only used a few words. One in particular. And it started with "F".

This woman was an expert in the art of profanity. A high-level profanatic. She was able to construct both simple and compound sentences entirely consisting of the "F" word with only a few scattered articles and conjunctions. Remarkable.

Given the tenor of her voce, and her imposing vocabulary, I envisioned this woman to look something like "Large Marge" from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. I knew she must be an imposing presence.

The more she talked, the more and more uncomfortable my wife and I became. After one particularly scathing burst, I had had enough. I stood up, knocked my chair backwards, grabbed my chopsticks and lunged...

Not really. (I played it out in my head, but I can't afford an attorney, and I don't want to be banned from our sushi place.)

Ever so subtly, I leaned to the right, looked over my EC's shoulder and made eye contact with the "lady." My intention was to give her the "skunk eye", or as my EC calls it, the "hell look". It can wither a person at 50 yards - I'll save that for another post. But instead, I froze. This woman looked nothing like Large Marge. I was confused. She was young - maybe thirty. She was attractive. And slender, with a nice hair style, beautiful teeth. It was all wrong. In addition, she was wearing hospital scrubs and a name badge from the local hospital.

All my preconceived prejudices were instantly proven wrong. She looked nothing like the longshoreman that I had anticipated. It completely messed up my plan - thus, no "hell look". But, we did make brief eye contact, then I quickly looked away. It was enough.

Then I heard her say to her companions, "That guy just looked at me, I guess I'm talking too loud. I have a loud voice. Hahaha."

I couldn't let that go unanswered. Much to my wife's chagrin, I corrected her: "It isn't that it was too loud, it was the choice of words you were using."

She looked honestly surprised. I returned to my meal, she returned to her monologue. "Well they are just words. They're strong words, but they are strong emotions", and mumbled some other excuses to her friends.

But, thankfully, she did quiet down, and we weren't subject to her "strong words" anymore. A tiny victory!

I took a couple of things from this experience:


1) I like mixing wasabi with soy sauce, even though sushi snobs call it bad manners.

2)  I am preconditioned to associate ugly language with ugly appearance - even though this is obviously not based on reality. (I have walked through the High School enough to know of the fallacy of my bias.)

3) I am more offended hearing a woman swear than hearing a man swear. Yeah, it is probably sexist and wrong. Maybe I just expect more from women than I do from men.

4) When my wife is with me, I am more sensitive to profanity, and my protective side comes out.

5) My EC has the patience of Job. Not only towards those who are inconsiderate, but towards me.


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A Rapturous To-Do List

I haven't really been paying attention to the news, but apparently the end of the world is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21, 2011. It is referred to as "The Rapture" which instantly makes me think of the Blondie song. It is exciting! There are some downsides, but there are upsides as well - such as not having to watch the American Idol finale next week.

I do appreciate them narrowing the Rapture down to the specific day, but I wish they could give me a 2-4 hour window like the cable guy does. This does have an immediate impact on my life, and thankfully I still had time to adjust my To-Do lists for both Friday and Saturday. Good thing!

FRIDAY

Wake up, get family up for scriptures and school.

Bring in trash cans from curb.

Be on time to work.

Finish work deadlines.

Pay car payment.

Taco Bell for lunch.

Tell wife about speeding ticket.

Backup computer.

Write clever blog post.

Turn off all alarm clocks Thursday night.

Let kids stay home from school.

Show up to work at 11:00am.
Play Angry Birds until lunch.

Lunch at Noon. (Still Taco Bell)

Photocopy middle-finger, fax to IRS.

Give all employees 50% raises, effective next pay period.

Leave work at 2:00pm.

Take EC and kids to Pirates 4 matinee.

Extra butter on extra large popcorn.

Use car payment money to take 20 closest friends to Outback

Eat Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The..."

Kiss EC a lot, etc.

Spend midnight to 2:00am on knees repenting.

SATURDAY

Take vitamins
Put down toilet seat
Pick up dog poop.

Mow lawn.

Prepare Sunday School lesson.

Watch Sportscenter

Get up at 4:00am and resume repenting.

Drop tithing and HUGE fast offerings check at bishop's house.
Give all credit cards to homeless people.

Take kids to breakfast at Denny's. Grand Slam extra bacon, extra sausage, spring for the large orange juice.

Buy 1 gallon of gas for SUV.

Go to temple, hope timing is good.


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Refine the Define

For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face:

now I know in part; but then shall I know, even as I am known.

1 Corinthians 13:12

Not long ago I stumbled upon a brilliant quote that read:

"Those who do not keep journals will be defined by those who do."

(OK, I didn't really stumble upon it because I authored it, posted it, and then went back and stumbled upon it.) (Link here)

I've actually thought a lot about this idea, and still believe it to be true - but I think that I need to add a corollary:

"Those who do keep journals will define themselves - for good or ill."

So you may think the corollary isn't as wildly profound as the original quote. Possibly, but let me explain. I won't waste your time, and you just might thank me later...

Over the past few weeks, I have spent some time looking through my old journals. I was surprised to discover that I have had a miserable life, full of sadness, sickness, loneliness, and frustration. At least that's what you would think if you read my journals. It turns out that my most prolific journaling times in my life were when I was going through important periods that had a higher degree of difficulty. And I was failing.  Two periods stand out as the best examples:

1) When I was a teenager, my dad got a job transfer and we had to relocate. I was miserable. I hated my parents. I was sullen, angry and depressed. And since we moved at the beginning of summer, I had nothing to do - except write in my journal about how miserable I was, and how my parents were destroying my life.

2) On my mission I was a faithful journal keeper - as long as I had negative things to write about. I faithfully wrote down each time I was sick, when my companion was a jerk, when the weather was bad, or when we weren't having very much success. 

Here's the problem:  I have had a great life! I had a happy childhood. I had a wonderful, successful mission. So what gives? Why the deep, dark version recorded for my posterity?  I think I have the answer.

When I'm happy, and things are going great, I don't bother writing it down, because I am too busy enjoying life to stop and write about it. I may well have written about my companion who drove me crazy, but when the work was good, it was very good, and I just never felt compelled to stop, take a breath, and write it down. In high school I stopped grousing about how unfair my teenage life was about the same time that school started and I made some new friends. But that part, mysteriously, never got recorded.

The best, but saddest, case in point is that I have rarely written in my journal since I got married. Because I am happy. Ridiculously happy. All of the wonderful experiences that have given my life richness and meaning are undocumented - leaving behind a history that paints me as a poor, unfortunate soul, in pain, in need. (courtesy Ursula)

So, I have volumes of life history that paints an entirely inaccurate version of what my life has been up until now. Sure the dour snippets are accurate in their context, but they were the exception, not the norm.

So, what do I do? How do I go back and correct the record without looking like I am trying to "shine my halo" for posterity's sake? Here are some thoughts:

1) Compile my missionary journal with the letters I sent home to create a more balanced view. 

2) Scan my old journals and annotate them with comments as I feel necessary.

3) (Shudder) Actually write a personal history that my posterity can look at as the de-facto version of my life.

Yikes! They all sound so daunting.  So, I raise this voice of warning: Make sure your blog entries and journals are not just repositories of angst - because one day you will look back and wish you had documented the joy along with the pain to really be known as who you really are. And if you don't I will be there to mock you for not paying better attention to my warning.

Suggestions appreciated.

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Itty-Bitty True Miracles of Service pt.2

This is the second in a series. First post is here.

A few years ago, when I was serving as a bishop, I had a wonderful, strange experience that I have only shared with a few people in my circle. And after this post, at least three more people will be in that ever-expanding circle.

It was Sunday morning, and we had just finished up the morning meetings - Bishopric, PEC, and Ward Council.  I had just a few minutes to take a bathroom break before I needed to be back on the stand for Sacrament Meeting.

As I was standing at the urinal, taking care of business, a tiny boy came up behind me, wrapped both arms around my left leg and gave me a big hug.

"I love you Bishop."

It was so sweet. And so awkward. I was mid-stream.

I quickly put my available hand on the boys head, turned him towards the door, and gave him a gentle shove.

"Thank you so much! I love you too. Wait for me in the hall and when I come out we can talk."

The boy headed out the door, I quickly finished my business, washed up and went out to see my little friend.

He was gone.  To this day I have absolutely no idea who the child was. But I do know that he loved his bishop.

Oh, I almost forgot - the itty-bitty true miracle?  When I left the building that day, Child Services was NOT waiting for me.

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Sunday Naptime Profundity #6: Stubbornness

"Stubbornness is strength, misapplied."

-MMM-

We all know stubborn people. We use words to describe them like bull-headed, unyielding, obstinate, etc.

The problem is that in deciding if someone is stubborn or not usually depends on if we agree with what the person is being stubborn about. If we disagree, we declare him stubborn. If we agree with the premise, then we praise him as being "strong-willed", "determined", or "persistent" - and admire his "strength".

It is less about the stubborn person, and more about where we stand.

I know people who have stubbornly stood for what is right in the face of withering opposition, with incredible strength. So, before we declare someone stubborn, we might want to look and see which one of us is on the right side of the issue.

- My EC stubbornly insists that we are on time for church.

- I am so stubborn that I make my entire family get out of bed to read scriptures.

- I am strong. That's why I control the TV remote.
- Don't even start with the whole "toilet-seat thing".

There is a great story that illustrates this idea - I imagine you have all heard it, but I'll bet you didn't know it was written by Leo Tolstoy.

Leo Tolstoi 1828-1910

THE KING AND THE FALCON

A certain King let his favourite Falcon loose on a hare, and galloped after him.

The Falcon caught the hare. The King took him away, and began to look for some water to drink. The King found it on a knoll, but it came only drop by drop. The King fetched his cup from the saddle, and placed it under the water. The water flowed in drops, and when the cup was filled, the King raised it to his mouth and wanted to drink it. Suddenly the Falcon fluttered on the King's arm and spilled the water. The King placed the cup once more under the drops. He waited for a long time for the cup to be filled even with the brim, and again, as he carried it to his mouth, the Falcon flapped his wings and spilled the water.

When the King filled his cup for the third time and began to carry it to his mouth, the Falcon again spilled it. The King flew into a rage and killed him by flinging him against a stone with all his force. Just then the King's servants rode up, and one of them ran up-hill to the spring, to find as much water as possible, and to fill the cup. But the servant did not bring the water ; he returned with the empty cup, and said :

" You cannot drink that water ; there is a snake in the spring, and she has let her venom into the water. It is fortunate that the Falcon has spilled the water. If you had drunk it, you would have died."

The King said :

" How badly I have repaid the Falcon ! He has saved my life, and I killed him."

--Stupid, stubborn bird.

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Kindness Begins With Me

Yes, I did write  a post today, but you won't find it here.

A blogger friend of mine, Mindi, just cranked out another kid. As you probably know, sometimes those little "bundles of joy" can be a bit demanding. So to serve Mindi, I have written a guest post for her to put on her blog, to keep the cobwebs at bay.

Congrats to Mindi and baby Lucy.

click on this button to read the guest post:

Also: Thanks to Emily Jensen of the Deseret News for mentioning me in her column. (Click here)
Oddly, she did refer to me as a comedian. (Which I guess makes HER a comedienne)Now when people are fed up with me and say "What are you? A comedian?"I can fire back "That's what the 82nd largest newspaper in the country says."
Even with these accolades, I will proudly remain humble, because pride is still the universal sin.
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Stopping the BS. (Bull Stabbing)

This past weekend the citizens of Ecuador voted to outlaw the grand tradition of killing of bulls in bullfights. Apparently they have being doing it for over 500 years - ever since the Spaniards brought the tradition over, along with several genocidal microbes.

I have never been to a bullfight, so I am not here to pass judgment on the choice that the Ecuadorians made. I am more concerned about what the Matadors will do now. They are obviously an arrogant bunch, with a very specialized skill set, and a unique wardrobe. Not necessarily the skill set, or wardrobe, that would serve one well in say Walmart or McDonalds. (Although visualizing this makes me laugh.)

Luckily for the Matadors, it turns out that they decided to continue the bullfights, but they don't kill the bull at the conclusion of the fight - which kind of lacks the "big finish" of old. They attempted adopting a few new methods of ratcheting up the drama, while adding an element of "cruelty" without physically injuring the bull, but none have really worked out.

These failed attempts included:

• The Matador chased the bull around the ring reciting passages from the "Twilight" series. This was quickly abandoned as the bulls began killing themselves as soon as the bullfighters reached scenes containing dialogue.

• Songs by Mumford & Sons were broadcast over the loudspeakers. This resulted in the unfortunate death of hundreds of spectators who were trampled as they fled for the exits with their ears bleeding.

• Bullfighters were asked to climb on the backs of the bulls and ride them. They refused. Their response was "Are you loco? It's not like we are American cowboys! We need swords! And pretty capes!"

• The bulls were outfitted by Edyta, then taught to Mambo by Maksim. This was abandoned as the bulls began to really enjoy dancing with Maks, and were "flaunting" their outfits in an "inappropriate" manner.

• They tried to get the bulls and bullfighter to wrestle - WWE-style. Both bulls and bullfighters complained that the singlets gave them wedgies.

• The bullfighter and bull would aggressively chase each other around the ring. Just as the bullfighter was ready to catch the bull, he would look it deeply in the eyes and say, "I think we should just be friends." This had the effect of leaving the bull in a sobbing heap in the middle of the ring. Unfortunately, in some instances this technique backfired and resulted in the death of the heartless Matador.

So, thanks to the good people of Ecuador, their bulls are no longer killed for sport. But they are still considered delicious when killed for dinner.  (Mmm - BBQ!)

The actual news report is located here.

Olé


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Let's Cut the Guy Some Slack

Christ and the Rich Young Ruler by Heinrich Hoffman

If your ward is "correlated" you either just had, or will have a Sunday School lesson about sacrificing worldly possessions to gain salvation.  One of the stories that is used is the story of "the rich young man".

I have a bit of an issue with the conclusions we draw from this story.  Here it is, as told by Mark: (Mark 10:17, 19-22)

And when he was gone forth into the way, here came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?

And Jesus said unto him...Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour they father and thy mother.

And he answered and said unto him, Master, all thee have I observed from my youth.

And Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest; go thy way, sell whatsover thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me.

And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions.

Here's my issue:   We use this story to illustrate a man who fell short. This was a good guy. He actually ran to talk to Jesus and humbly asked him to help know what his next step should be.  Bad guys don't do this.

When Jesus grilled him about the commandments, the young man was able to respond that he had been obedient all his life. Even Christ was impressed, as he loved him.

Next came the big challenge: Sell it all, give away the money, and come along. Wow! That would be tough. I know that I would walk away sad. Wouldn't you?

Most of us have walked away from appointments with priesthood leaders really sad because we had just been nailed with a calling that we did not want. Sometimes sad, sometimes even irritated. BUT, we dealt with it, and fulfilled our callings anyway. (Do I hear an "Amen"?)

Is there any indication in this story that the young man did not go and do exactly what the Lord told him to do? I would give him the benefit of the doubt. This young man not only sought out the Lord, but he had a fabulous track record of obedience. Why do we leap to the conclusion that his character - built on a lifetime of obedience - suddenly changed? Just because he responded to a huge challenge with a little sadness? That is not what I have seen in my experiences.

Maybe he failed - maybe he succeeded. We were never told.  But I think we all judge him a bit harshly.

Update: The Amazing Race - Mormon Edition

• Note: If you didn't read the original post, read it first, or this will make precious little sense.

So I have this friend I'll call "Steve".  He is one of the smartest people I know, and he is a really funny guy.  I have always espoused a theory that the smarter a person is, the funnier that person should be. Not only do they have better ability to link things together to find humor, but they also have a greater frame of reference to draw from.

Sadly, my theory has never really panned out. Some of the smartest people I know are not funny. At all. In fact, some highly intellectual people have absolutely no sense of humor. Or they walk around telling jokes about quarks and wormholes that make no sense to the rest of us.

"Steve" is not one of those guys. Super smart - super funny.  So, when I got an email from him about the "Amazing Race Mormon Edition", I was glad to find out what he had for me.

Turns out, "Steve" validated my premise that TAR discriminates against happily married couples. He even supplied evidence. He sent me a link to CBS for the actual application forms forms to be on The Amazing Race.  Some of the questions make it crystal clear that they don't want happy - they want dysfunctional.  The following are actual questions from the application:

• What communication issues do you have with your partner that you want to address while on the race?

• What is the biggest disappointment you have experienced from your teammate?

• What is your biggest pet peeve about your partner?

• What is the worst experience you have had with your teammate? Why?

• How could the race change the current state of your relationship?

And my favorite question:

• Are there any outstanding warrants for your arrest?

So, there you have it. My EC and I will not even bother filling out the application.  It would be too hard for her to try and come up with a pet peeve or disappointment about me. And, in the rare event that she did think of something, I don't wanna know.

Here is the link to the application.  (Courtesy of "Steve")

I've Been Cheating My Wife.

Hey now!  Get your head out of the gutter, I said I've been cheating my wife - not cheating ON my wife. Like that's gonna happen. She is my Eternal Companion, my beloved EC. And I'm keeping it that way.

I'm sure you are asking "how have you been cheating her?"  Here's the story...

I had been blogging for two months before I told my wife about it, because I wanted to surprise her with a bunch of posts right off the bat.  She was surprised and supportive, and thought it lots of fun, but she did have one issue:

EC:  I love the blog, but there is one thing you need to fix.
Me:  What's that?
EC:  You say that you have 4 "Fruit of Your Loins".
Me:  Yeah, funny, huh?
EC:  You have 5 kids.
Me:  What?
EC:  You have 5 kids, not 4.
Me: (silently sifting through my brain)
EC: 5.
Me:  You are right.  There is that quiet one. He's in Junior High, right?
EC:  Don't be smart, just fix it.

It is true. I do have five FOMLs, not four. So, today I am officially fixing it on my profile and on my Facebook page. Luckily my kids don't know about this enigmatic hobby, so no harm done. Almost.

It occurred to me as I was prepping for Mother's Day that I had been cheating my wife. By not acknowledging that other boy of mine, I have been failing to recognize part the wonderousness that is my EC. By a factor of 20%.

20% of the vomiting
20% of the stretchmarks
20% of the labor pains
20% of the constipation
20% of the consumption of Tums
20% of the constant need to pee
20% of the engorgement swelling
20% of the nursing
20% of the healing
20% of the pushing
20% of the stinky diapers
20% of the tears
20% of the loves
20% of the cuddling

20% of the names chosen

20% of the song singing
20% of the baths in the sink
20% of the peek-a-boo games
20% of the crawling
20% of the first steps
20% of the first words
20% of the chubby fingers
20% of the babyfood
20% of the binkies
20% of the funny pooping faces
20% of the joy
20% of what makes our family complete

My EC is an amazing mother. She deserves all 100% of the praise, glory and credit.  I love her, as do all five FOMLs.  I am convinced that all four of my sons beat the crap out of some other spirits in the pre-mortal life to get in the line to be her child.  My daughter just took a chance, because we were unproved then. So far, so good.

Happy Mother's Day!


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Texting With My Teenager: Graduation

Please Stop Saying That: Power

• Note: This is the first of the series "Stop Saying That!"  for more info look here.

Jacob Blessing Joseph, by Harry Anderson

As members of the church, we are privileged to have priesthood holders perform ordinances and blessings on our behalf - from new babies to grave dedications and countless others in-between.

So, it surprises me how often these ordinances are performed incorrectly. Specifically, I hear the following:

“Sister Smith, by the power of the Melchizedek priesthood, we lay our hands upon your head and bless/set apart/confirm etc.”

Oops!  Can you spot the incorrect word?  Power.  The power of these priesthood does not make these ordinance legitimate. It is the authority that the priesthood holder has received that gives them their validity.

So, the correct manner would be to say: “Sister Smith: By the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood, we lay our hands upon your head...”

This is not to say priesthood power is not a great thing to have - it is highly recommended. The difference is nicely explained by Elder Russell M. Nelson. He said “A distinction also exists between priesthood authority and priesthood power. When ordained to an office in the priesthood, one is granted authority. But power comes from exercising that authority in righteousness.  Thus, although priesthood holders have authority, they must prepare themselves to have power. That they do through making themselves personally worthy and through learning and practicing the duties and doctrines of the priesthood.” (link here)

A sad example is if a child is confirmed by his father, and the father is not worthy, the confirmation will still be valid. The child will still be a member of the church and have the opportunity to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Why? Because the father still has authority, and God is kind.  The sad part is that the blessing will be devoid of any real guidance and inspiration from the Holy Ghost because there is no power in it, due to the unworthiness.  (Please note that performing an ordinance unworthily not only cheats the person receiving the ordinance, but puts the priesthood holder in deep spiritual doo-doo.)

To me, one of the most difficult things a priesthood holder will ever be called on to do is to bless the sick when there is no power present. Personally, when I need a blessing, I would like the priesthood to arrive with the proper authority and a bucket full of power.

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A great, little-known resource to learn about stuff like this is called The Family Guidebook.  You can find instruction on performing ordinances and other great information online here.






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Please Stop Saying That!

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting things that I hear at church on a regular basis that I wish people would stop saying. They are not big, honkin', scary things, just little expressions that you hear frequently that just don't quite work. (Grammatically or doctrinally)  So, as a service to you, I thought I would share them with you. As you know by now, I am deeply concerned - not only about the welfare of the church - but for the welfare of every individual saint.

• If you have suggestions, email them to me at middleagedmormonman@gmail.com, but please don't post them as comments. No thunder-stealing s'il-vous-plait. (That's French for "I can delete")

If they are insightful, or funny, I will gladly expound on them and take all the credit.  (OK, I'll give partial credit, but only if I didn't already have them on my list. My charity never faileth.)

To introduce this epic work, I have included a clip from Judge Maxwell in the classic 1972 comedy "What's Up Doc".  I testify that this movie is truly hysterical.  39 years later. I actually remember seeing it at the theater as a boy, with my parents.  One of my all-time faves.

"Stop saying that! Someone make him stop saying that!"

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Thou Shalt Not Steal. But since you already did...

This story makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Last week in Connecticut, a man broke into a trailer at a high school and stole a riding lawn mower. He then drove it three miles to his parents' house and mowed their lawn in the middle of the night. Why yes, as a matter of fact, he was drunk at the time.

He was arrested and charged with 3rd degree larceny and burglary.  (Actual news report with video here.)

It so refreshing to hear about a young man that loves his parents so much. It almost brings a tear to my eye. I'm sure his parents must be so proud. As a result of his kindness, I imagine their lawn now looks fabulous. I can see them waking up in the morning, looking out the window to the beauty of a newly mown lawn, and thinking how blessed they were. (Although personally, I have never seen a lawn that was mowed in the dark by an inebriated 22 year-old)

I can only hope that one day, when I am old and frail, one of the young and strong FOMLs will come and mow my lawn.
 -With his own mower.
 -In the day time.
 -Preferably sober.

Ah, but that will have to wait. For now, I will just secretly re-mow the areas that my awesome 9 year-old misses. Because if I wait for my 18 year-old to mow, my lawn will look like this:

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Parenting: "Eden Style"

The Expulsion From the Garden

Engraving by Gustave Dore (1832-1883/French)
(Cool, isn't it? Bigger version here)

My home is a lot like the Garden of Eden.  Except the clothes wearing, weed pulling, and sweaty-faced bread eating. Fortunately no fratricide to date. Because I am so familiar with this "Eden-like" setting, it might be a good time to continue our discussion on agency, kids & parenting. (OK, not so much of a "discussion" more like a one-sided quest to enlighten. You know, like the "discussion" in High Priest Group today.) The best place to read up on Adam & Eve is in the Book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price - just in case.

We join Adam and Eve, running around the garden in a state of naked, childlike innocence. Parents? We know that God himself took on that task, so if there is anybody we should take parenting lessons from, it is Him.

There are a pair of verses in Moses 3 that will teach us more about parenting than Dr. Laura could in an entire year.

3:16-17  "And I the Lord God, commanded the man, saying: Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

Point #1:  Set the stage:  You can eat from every tree. (Shine some perspective on the situation)

Point #2:  Lay down the ground rules: You can't eat this one particular fruit.

Point #3:  Acknowledge agency: You may choose for yourself.

Point #4:  Give your guidance: Remember that I forbid it.

Point #5:  Lay out the consequences for the wrong choice: Thou shalt surely die.

Point #6:  Make sure the consequences happen. Immediate: Out you go. Eventual: Death.

Got that?  Easy. Now before we put this into practical application, I would note that if you have naked kids running around your house eating fruit and playing with snakes, you already have your hands full.

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The hypothetical 14 year-old "Katie" has a room that looks like a bomb went off - clothes, book, trash, paper, on a biblical scale. Mom attempts the Eden Method:

#1:  Katie, you obviously have a lot of nice stuff, I didn't realize you owned this much clothing.

#2:  You need to start keeping your room clean.

#3:  It is up to you if you do it or not.

#4:  I want you to keep it clean.

#5:  From now on, you can only use the computer if your room is clean.

#6:  Boom. Computer is locked up with a password.

Was that mean?  At least Mom never used the words "forbid" or "die". Toughest part?  Watching Katie grouse around and be hateful until she realizes that unless she cleans her room, her Facebook account will lie dormant.

Watch out for when Mom and Dad start to argue about if they should really stick to their guns and enforce the consequences. Our family tradition?  My EC is a softie and convinces me to cave. Sometimes.

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I have a friend who has a son getting ready to graduate from High School, and will be turning 19 this fall.  Dad wants his son to serve a mission, but the son got a football scholarship and is excited to play instead of serving.  As we discussed it, Dad made a couple of statements that really surprised me.  I asked him if he told he son that he thinks he should serve a mission, he replied, "I don't want to pressure him. I want him to make up his own mind."  I said, "You've told him you want him to serve, right?"  He said "No, I don't want to do anything that might take away his agency."  

What?  First of all, you can't take away someone's agency. (See Elder Packer here.) Second, it is your JOB to tell him what you think he should do. That is what parents do! Kid's aren't supposed to grow up to be psychic. Withholding parental opinion is abdicating the very job God entrusted us with.

Can you imagine if God had said to Adam & Eve:  "One of the trees here might kill you, but I'm not going to tell you which. Good luck!"

It sounds ridiculous, but I've done it. Sometimes I have watched from the sidelines and then feel disappointed when the FOML doesn't do things the way I secretly wanted. Yeah, it is kinda lame.

So, for football boy...

#1: Son, you have been blessed with some really great opportunities.

#2: You need to serve a mission.

#3: It is always up to you if you go or not.

#4: Your mother and I want you to serve, so does President Monson, and so does God.

#5: If you don't go, you will start walking down a wrong path.  We cannot support you in doing this.

#6: We are not willing to help you financially in college. That includes the car and phone.

Startling?  Yes. Difficult? Absolutely.  Guaranteed results.  Absolutely not.  The son still has his agency intact, but at least he knows exactly where his parents, leaders and God stand on the issue. Remember, as parents we will be accountable to God as to whether or not we were willing to "take a stand" when necessary.

Best case scenario: The son will recognize the seriousness of his parent's desire, and do some soul-searching about his choices.

One of the most difficult parts is still sticking to your guns in point #6, but if we cave in, it renders the whole process worthless. It would have been as if God had said to Adam & Eve, "I see you partook of the fruit, but I feel so sorry for you that I decided not to kick you out. Just promise not to do it again."

- Thankfully, He didn't do that, or it would have all ended before it even got started.

(Yes, I am anticipating some "blow back" from some of you.  As always, comments are welcome. And I can delete them.)