Fashionable Bloggers to the Rescue - My Blog needs a makeover!

Yes.  My blog is ugly.  Unlike yours, and yours, and yours. I feel lost between a world of cuteness and frills on one hand, and boring on the other.  Right now ten million other people are using the exact same background as me. I need a background that screams “Middle-aged Mormon Man”. (It doesn’t really need to scream – a whisper, or even a wink and a shrug will do)

I want it to look nice. Not only nice, but…

MANLY, but not in a “sleeping in the hollowed out carcass of a moose to avoid freezing to death in a brutal Alaskan blizzard” kind of way.

CLASSY, but not in a “black furniture, glass and chrome, NYC bachelor, yoga posing, pedicure getting, I wear trendy glasses even though I don’t need them” sort of way.

MATURE, but not in an “AARP, Bonanza reruns, I knew her before she was Mrs. Potts, take a book to the bathroom" sort of way.

INVITING in a “graying like George Clooney, but man enough to get married, get up, go to work, come home , kiss my wonderful EC, sit around the dinner table with the FOMLs, be super-busy, try to be righteous, and be quite content with life” sort of way.

If you could be of any assistance, please comment or email me at middleagedmormonman@gmail.com

I will post the best choices, then maybe have you help me decide.

Thanks ladies!  (and any gentlemen in the CLASSY category above)

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Eagle

Achieving the rank of Eagle Scout is a serious, praiseworthy accomplishment.  It takes years of dedication from the scout, the parents, and the leaders. It is a worthy honor.

But... the glorious trend of procrastination continues. Last week, a fantastic -  yet frantic - young man I know managed to finish his Eagle Scout requirements on the eve of his 18th birthday, at exactly 30 minutes before Midnight. Up until 11;30pm he was scurrying around collecting signatures. That was a new record in our ward which shattered the previous record of the 9:00pm Eagle, set only three weeks before.

I believe we need a special distinction for those who finish it as the clock is ticking towards their 18th birthday.  In consideration of this ever growing tradition, and the fact that it is usually the mother who facilitates these last-minute quests, I present to you...

The Cinderella Eagle

That's right, Fairy Godmother to the rescue - with the clock counting down to midnight.

Personally, one of the FOML completed his project when he was still 13, then waited FOUR YEARS to write it up and submit it.  He was, indeed, a "Cinderella Eagle".  We were proud of him for "gettin' 'er done", but I know that he was not as proud as he could have, or should have been. He was embarrassed that he waited so long, and especially that he had to wear his father's uniform to the Eagle Court. We even had to talk him into having a Eagle Court at all.

Hopefully, entering the "Cinderella Eagle" into our lexicon will help other boys find the desire to get it finished, before they turn into an eighteen-year-old pumpkin.

Date Nightus Inturruptus

Oh, how I love Date Night.   Friday is my time to be with my EC and ignore everything, and everybody else.  We usually fall back on the old standby of a movie and dinner, but we both love movies and dinner. (Can't beat a giant screen, popcorn and fizzy, caffeinated beverages.)

This week. Date Night was scuttled. My EC has the flu, as do two of the FOML.  I stood firm, and refused to participate in the non-productive event.  Until yesterday.  At 3:05pm.  It hit me like a freight train. Fever, aches, shakes, cough, devil eyes, etc.

So, I quickly ran to the Doc and got a prescription for Tamiflu.  I've never had it, but if it woks, I'm going to look up this "Tami" and thank her.

My EC keeps insisting that we got the flu because we weren't on the ball enough to get flu shots this year.

I tend to think it had more to do with me posting a picture of Halle Berry next to Elder Holland last Monday.

You be the judge.


http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-didnt-want-to-know-that-5.html

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #1 (Phew - finished!)

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

Teenage Romance (Yup, I really am going there...)

Ahhh, teenage romance – ain’t it so cute? Holding hands, Senior Prom, late night smooch sessions, appointments with the Bishop.  

When it comes to teenage romance, most parents seem to think that their child is the exception.  You hear wonderful phrases like:

   They are so CUTE together

   They are such good kids

   They always keep us informed as to where they are and what they are doing

   We have a good relationship and they are honest with us.

If you ever find yourself defending your teenager's romance by saying any of these things, then, I have something  just for you... 

http://lds.adoption.com/

Pessimistic? Yup.  Accurate?  Yup. Sadly so.

Caution: Very sad statistic ahead...

While researching his dissertation, Bruce Monson found that by 11th grade, half of the kids who had been in a steady relationship had violated the Law of Chastity.  HALF!   And these were LDS kids. (1)

And it isn’t like we haven’t been warned… there are a bunch of references cited below.

I enjoy irony, but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable.  Such as this:

Isn’t it ironic that when a young man leaves a girlfriend behind to serve a mission, he spends two years testifying about the very prophets and apostles that he chose to ignore while preparing to serve?

President Gordon B. Hinckley: “When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved. But you boys who are in high school don’t need this, and neither do the girls”

“Steady dating at an early age leads so often to tragedy. Studies have shown that the longer a boy and girl date one another, the more likely they are to get into trouble." 

http://lds.org/new-era/2010/04/dating-advice-from-prophets-and-apostles?lang=eng

President Boyd K. Packer “Avoid steady dating. Steady dating is courtship, and surely the beginning of courtship ought to be delayed until you have emerged from your teens.”

http://lds.org/new-era/2010/04/dating-advice-from-prophets-and-apostles?lang=eng

Elder Larry R. Lawrence: “Parents can prevent a lot of heartache by teaching their children to postpone romantic relationships until the time comes when they are ready for marriage. Prematurely pairing off with a boyfriend or girlfriend is dangerous. Becoming a “couple” creates emotional intimacy, which too often leads to physical intimacy. Satan knows this sequence and uses it to his advantage. He will do whatever he can to keep young men from serving missions and to prevent temple marriages.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng

The New Era: “Before his mission, a young man should not be looking for a serious relationship. It may distract him from the call to full-time service he will receive from a prophet of God. It just doesn’t make sense to add the complication of a steady girlfriend when a young man is trying to prepare for a mission, and especially when he’s on his mission. It might create temptations and even expectations regarding the relationship. It’s not fair to him or the young woman. Neither of them needs that sort of distraction or pressure.”

http://lds.org/new-era/2010/04/dating-faqs?lang=eng

(1) http://lds.org/new-era/2001/06/speaking-of-kissing?lang=eng

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #2

President Hinckley and the Cone of Silence
or
Just Pack Up and Leave Already

All the back in 2002, President Hinckley stood up in General Conference and asked us to stop doing two things:

1)  No more missionary farewells.

2) No more open houses for departing missionaries.

Apparently, someone forgot to turn the microphone on, because nobody actually heard him say it.  But, thanks to the amazing internet, I was able to retrieve the following:

"The departing missionary will be given opportunity to speak in a sacrament meeting for 15 or 20 minutes. But parents and siblings will not be invited to do so. There might be two or more departing missionaries who speak in the same service. The meeting will be entirely in the hands of the bishop and will not be arranged by the family. There will not be special music or anything of that kind."

 "We hope also that holding elaborate open houses after the sacrament meeting at which the missionary speaks will not prevail. Members of the family may wish to get together. We have no objection to this. However, we ask that there be no public reception to which large numbers are invited."

Just last weekend I attended a lovely "non-sanctioned" Open House for a great young man that left this week.  It had everything you would expect from an Open House -  Kirkland Signature Brand Creme Puffs, Kirkland meatballs, and even a nasty Costco carrot sheet cake. Oh, can't forget the slushy punch and the mixed nuts.

In addition, this young man hauled in the cash.  Everytime you looked at him, he was sliding an envelope into his jacket pocket. He looked like a congressman. Or a mob boss.

Good food, good friends, good cash-flow.  I can't imagine something as puerile as "obedience" getting in the way.

Here's the link the the talk about these things.  Gotta love how he makes a special effort to get the moms on board. 

http://lds.org/ensign/2002/11/to-men-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #3

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

Monday Nights are OFF-LIMITS

Sometimes you have to apply personal interpretation to things like this. 
Here is mine:

"Monday nights are off-imits, unless there is a good game on, or my kids have sports/dance/music lessons - then what I think the brethren mean is that we should read a few scriptures together on Sunday before naptime because that brings us so much closer together, and still lets us get our stuff done. And they obviously don't understand how much stuff we have to do."

Here comes a quadruple whammy:

1)  Elder L. Tom Perry:  "We are to teach our children in a well-organized, regular family home evening. No other activities should involve our family members on Monday night. This designated time is to be with our families."

2) Elder Russell M. Nelson talking to Dads: "Ours is the responsibility to ensure that we have family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening."

3) President Hinckley said "Keep Monday night sacred for family home evening."

4) Elder Larry Lawrence made it personal last fall:  "It takes courage to turn down other invitations on Monday night so that you can reserve that evening for your family."

So, a composite interpretation would be something like this:  "Be courageous enough to keep Monday night sacred and do not participate in ANY other activities on that night. Dad it is your job to see that it happens."

Isn't that kinda like what I already said?

1) http://lds.org/general-conference/2003/04/the-importance-of-the-family?lang=eng

2) http://lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/our-sacred-duty-to-honor-women?lang=eng

3) http://lds.org/ensign/2009/05/priesthood-responsibilities?lang=eng#footnote5

4) http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #4

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

Ixnay on the Shopping and Eating Out on the Sabbath.

(This one also falls under the willful disobedience column, rather than ignorance, but there are some nuances that brighten some of those pesky grays.)

President Hinckley said: “There isn’t anybody in this Church who has to buy furniture on Sunday. There really isn’t. There isn’t anybody in this Church who has to buy a new automobile on Sunday, is there? No. There isn’t anybody in this Church who, with a little care and planning, has to buy groceries on Sunday. No. … You don’t need ice cream to be bought on Sunday. … You don’t need to make Sunday a day of merchandising. … I don’t think we need to patronize the ordinary business merchants on the Sabbath day.”*

WAIT A SECOND.. Didn't Luke give us a super loophole in Luke 14:15? "And answered them, saying, Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the Sabbath day?"

I think back to when I was attending BYU, the ox always seemed to fall into the pit on Sunday.  And by pit I mean Albertsons.  And by ox I mean Cheetos.

(I try not to use the word “ass” in my blog - unless I decide to write about Balaam, or Harry Reid)

LAST THOUGHT:  Talking with my EC the other night. It seems it never really occurred to us that Sunday online shopping is still Sunday shopping.  Travel tickets, music from iTunes, hundreds of dollars on Farmville oxen for the pit, etc.  I had better tighten that up.

*quoted by Elder TIngey http://lds.org/general-conference/1996/04/the-sabbath-day-and-sunday-shopping?lang=eng

Rough Night

Had kind of a scary moment tonight.  Got in the car with my hands full, and the radio was playing "Ebony and Ivory" and I couldn't reach the power button.

I'm still a little shaken.

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #5

Remodeling your bod – not given the nod.

(Did you see how I made that rhyme?)

Jeffrey R. Holland took an “Apostolic Swipe” at plastic surgery in a Conference talk a few years back (You know the one – he also took a shot a flip-flops at church.)  “In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children.”  (The money also seeps through to the billboard companies in Utah County.)

He then quoted Sister Halle Berry – without using her name. Yup, that Halle. In General Conference. By an Apostle:  “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth. … I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate themselves in search of that. I see women - including young women pulling this up and tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. You can’t get off of it. … It’s really insane what society is doing to women.”

- Spoken like a woman who has truly battled the unfairness of having to go through life looking like she does.

- Kinda weird going to LDS.org and doing a search for Halle Berry and actually coming up with a conference talk. 

- I must admit I enjoyed searching for the picture to use.  Halle – not Elder Holland.

Elder Holland’s talk:  http://lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/to-young-women?lang=eng

Halle’s article quoted: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-12312096-halle-slams-insane-plastic-surgery.do

Saturday is a Special Day...

Spent Saturday evening at the Temple.  It was lovely. It was peaceful. It yanks my life back into perspective.  I figure I have been to the temple 500+ times, and it still is wonderful. Not many places in life you can say that about.

Nope, nothing snarky to say.  I'm not even going to make a rude comment about the guy in my row who kept humming the soundtrack to himself through the entire session.  Because I'm good like that.

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #6

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

Hate to break it to you, but your kid's sports aren't really all that important.

In one of the many very best talks he has ever given, Elder Dallin Oaks made it pretty clear that it is not OK to ditch Mutual just because "I've got Practice" or "I have a game tonight."  In his Oaksian manner, he said: " Some young men and women are skipping Church youth activities or cutting family time in order to participate in soccer leagues or to pursue various entertainments. Some young people are amusing themselves to death—spiritual death."

http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng

Whaaaat?  How can that be?  If the FOMLs are ever going to be the next Steve Young, Danny Ainge, etc., they have got to make this a priority!  Oh, and by soccer, I think he means any sport. (Do I dare risk bodily harm and say Dance is applicable?) 

One last point:  Upon multiple readings I determined that the words "Adult", "Gospel Doctrine", "Car Radio", and "NBA Playoffs" were never uttered in the same sentence by Elder Oaks.

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #7

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

The Church Frowns Mightily on the "Snip".
Listen - you can already hear the shouts "The Church has no business dictating our reproductive lives." Yeah...whatever.

The General Handbook is not definitive, but it is direct:  "The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. Surgical sterilization should be considered only if (1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or (2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgment and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer."

http://lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church/selected-church-policies?lang=eng&query=surgical+sterilization#21.4 

Basically, the decision is an important one, and the Holy Ghost had better sign off on it first. 

Of course the argument could be made that the fear of your wife having to eternally wear size 16 jeans falls under the category of "seriously jeopardizing life or health."

Also:  There is a great blog which courageously addresses this subject.  Read the comments too.

http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/2010/12/lds-churchs-stance-on-tubal-litigations.html

"I Didn't (want to) Know That" #8

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

We aren't supposed to watch R-Rated movies.

OK - this one is less about ignorance and more about willful disobedience. We have been hearing from the Prophet and church leaders on this since the '70's. 

Ezra Taft Benson: "Don't see R-rated movies or vulgar videos or participate in any entertainment that is immoral, suggestive or pornographic."

H. Burke Peterson: "Now brethren of the priesthod, there should not be any X- or R-rated movies that we participate in viewing or talking about."

Man, Elder Peterson doesn't even want us to TALK about them!  My discussions regarding R-rated movies consists of: "Wow, that movie looks great, I can't wait to see it.  What? Crap!  I didn't know it was rated R. (grumble, grumble, grumble)"

Please note that President Benson said nothing about M-Rated video games or ClearPlay.  He also said nothing about NetFlix - which offers us a much larger array of movies.  Because we all know - if it is R-rated in the theater, it is a no-no, but if I can get it on my TV, it MUST be edited.

 

"I Didn't (want to) Know That!" #9

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

We shouldn't let our kids have TV's or computers in their bedrooms.

Elder M. Russell Ballard specifically asked this of us in General Conference in 2003: "We need to have TV's and computers in a much-used common room in the home, not in a bedroom or a private place."

http://lds.org/general-conference/2003/10/let-our-voices-be-heard?lang=eng

Just the other day my EC and I were patting ourselves on the back for doing this, until I realized that the FOML2 has an iPhone, which is essentially a handheld computer, with him 24/7.

--Of course he was talking about kids - right?  Right?  Someone please help me out here.

"I Didn't (want to) Know That!" #10

Top 10 list of rules and counsel that we didn't know, or like to pretend we didn't know.

It is not OK to have a "Movie Night" for Mutual 
(Unless it is a Church-owned movie.  Nope - not even Disney/Pixar.)

Copyright violations are discussed in the General Handbook of Instructions here:

http://lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church/selected-church-policies?lang=eng&query=copyright#21.1.12

Besides, if you are showing movies for Mutual, or any other meeting, then you probably don’t understand your calling – or are just lazy.  Time is precious.  Don't waste it!

Exception:  Original "Johnny Lingo."

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

I went to an Open House for a young man who is leaving on a mission this week.  (You know - the exact kind of Open House that the General Handbook of Instructions explicitly asks us not to have - and we all pretend that it doesn't really say that. Don't believe me? Ask your Bishop.)

Anyway, this Elder is heading off to Germany, and we were talking about languages. (I speak a few)  While we were talking, it occurred to me that my entire knowledge of the German language came from watching reruns of "Hogan's Heroes."

I also remember a time when Hogan, Schultz and Klink looked old.

Baked Potato. (Yup, just Baked Potato)

I don't know if it is age related, but over the past few months I have developed a new appreciation for the simple perfection that is a baked potato with butter, sour cream, salt and pepper.  That is it. No truffle butter, no bacon, cheese, chives, chili, cheesy broccoli - no need to set up an entire bar.  Simple.

Maybe it is my father's Idaho roots beginning to push their way out, much like now when I cough, I wheeze like he did.
(Yes, the baked potato post is a gentle way to inform you that my High Priest belly is alive and well.)

Old, Old Zacharias. Hey - Hold On There!

So we learned about Zacharias & Elizabeth is SS this week.  Come to find out that this sweet old man, and his sweet old wife, who were both "stricken in years" were probably younger than me.  Younger.

Whaaat? I can hear you say. How can that be?  Well, it turns out that a Levite Temple Worker had to retire at the ripe old age of 50. Don't believe me? Look it up.  (Numbers 8:25, amongst others.)

So I walk out of my class, and see my EC walking down the hallway and think "I'm glad she's not barren, because I am surely too stricken in years to want to have any more fruit from my loins, or diapers from my pail."

I am aware that the life expectancy in Israel at the time of Christ was around 30 years - which does make 50 seem proportionately older.  I won't get into the likelihood that Mary was, at best, 14 when she went to Bethlehem.

Thinking about this kind of stuff does hasten my strickening.

(FYI, the atached image is a fresco by Domenico Ghirlandaio.  If you ever get a chance to go to Florence, it is in the Cappella Tornabuoni. I highly recommend it)

Clear skin, hard heart, empty wallet

As my EC took one of the FOMLs to the Dermo yesterday, I saw the chances of my son growing up to be the next Neal A. Maxwell slowly slipping away.  That, and about $750 a month for meds.

I'm only partly joking.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said of Elder Maxwell’s compassionate writings: "I seem to hear the echoed accents of a boy who has known the anxiety of a severe case of acne; what scarred the skin seems to have softened the heart."

High Priest Belly

It is now time for my annual "Fret About the Belly" resolutions.  When I was first married, I considered it a romantic gesture to sacrifice my vanity and keep pace with my EC's preganancy weight gain.  Unfortunately, she was able to drop hers in adorable, vernix-slathered, 9lb chunks. ( Yes, 9 pounds - a real woman)

Now, I find my appetite telling me "Time to eat", and my vanity telling me "don't you dare!" 

So the perpetual choice is this:  Strip the enjoyment out of life, or just wait it out and let the resurrection take care of it.

I plan on looking awesome after being resurrected.  Probably a 24 year-old version of me. I am going to put in a request for a 22 year-old version of my EC (yum) Should be fun to watch the reactions of the good sisters who find that their "enhancements" didn't quite make the leap.

Please explain to me why this is supposed to be funny:

A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"