Sorry if I'm jumping the gun, but I need to talk to you about Christmas lights. Specifically the little ones that you put on Christmas trees. Oh, how I hate them! No matter how carefully you put them away after Christmas, the next year when you take them out of the box, some of them are dead.
And of course Christmas lights are the ultimate lemmings. They are worse than teenagers. If one decides to stop working, all of them stop working. When that happens you are left with two options: 1) Take away their driving privileges, or 2) Get mad and guilt them into working. Oh, wait! I got sidetracked - we were talking about lights, not teenagers. With the lights, you are left with two options: 1) Take out each bulb one-by-one and put a fresh bulb in to see if you found the bulb that was "occupying" the string. 2) Angrily throw the whole thing out and buy a new one. 3) Repeat.
And that is how the Christmas season always began at my house - full of joy and merriment, dead spots on the tree, and the only time of year you can hear things like this:
"No kids, Daddy doesn't really wish we were Jewish."
"What can you do to help? Shoot me in the head."
"If I hear Mannheim Steamroller one more time, I'm feeding the iPod to the dog."
"If you think you can do it better, be my guest" (Actually, that gets said year-round)
Ah, Christmas magic is in the air...
My beloved Eternal Companion changed that..forever. With supernal grace and wisdom, she gave me a gift that would bless the lives of our family, and make me a better father, nay.. a better man. And the gift came in a bag. And the bag was from Walgreens. Who woulda thought?
Inside the bag was a wonderful device which has grown to be one of my favorite parts of Christmas. It looks like this:
It is, in fact, a plastic gun. Mind you, it is not just any plastic gun. It is a Christmas Light Repair Gun. Sure, I was skeptical at first, too. It does not make sense, but I bear you my humble testimony that it is true, and effective.
The way it works, is that you take any bulb out of the dead string, and plug the gun into the empty bulb socket. Then you pull the trigger 5 times, and the string lights up. The entire string. Woo-hoo! You then plug the bulb back in, and the string continues to work. Crazy.
It does sound too good to be true. I know, it makes absolutely no sense. But I promise it works - you are going to have to trust me on this one. Where once was darkness and death, there is now light and life! It is so cool, yet a little freaky. I have read the instructions, and understand about the concept of "completing a circuit", but I don't think that science can completely explain how this little gun works. But after witnessing its mystical power, I think I know:
It's magic. Its gotta be.
Then you run into the little problem if it is good "Glinda" magic, or bad "Elphaba" magic. (But then again, at the end of the show they all turn out to be good, right?)
Either way, I don't know if the magic is good or evil, and frankly, I don't care. I'm using it. I just want to express my gratitude to the elves that made it, and so does my family.
LDS humorist, Mormon humor