Thursday, March 24, 2011
An Open Letter to The Chicken Wing Farmers of America
To My Dear, Dear Wing Providers:
With the lockout looming, I feel it might be the right time for you to address a few important issues. If you give heed to my words, you shall gain respect in the eyes of true wing lovers everywhere, and they will help you through this difficult time.
1) Boneless buffalo wings are not wings. And you're not fooling anyone. We know they are just glorified chicken strips- you know - toddler food. And I know why: Because so many people like the real wings that it actually became cheaper to use breast meat than wings. What? Yes, I'm spilling the beans on this one. And the New York TImes has my back. Boneless chicken wings? It goes against all that is good and natural. Can you imagine a chicken flapping boneless wings? It would look like Sister Ogilvie leading the music in primary.
2) Just because everyone can make wings, doesn't mean that everyone should. I consider myself a wing connoisseur, and would politely ask you to stop selling wings to just any old place with a deep fryer. I fear that one day we will walk into McDonalds and find the 6 piece McWings with Ranch. First of all McDonalds? Secondly, a six pack? Who eats just six wings? I digress. The point is, quit selling them to everyone, and you will gain respect.
3) You've been ripping us off for years. I only feel a tiny bit of pity for your plight, since some places get from 50¢ to 75¢ a wing (a section not the whole thing), and you get your cut. $9 for a dozen wings? What? I remember when they were 15¢ a piece, and you were thrilled to get that much for a throwaway item.
4) Blue cheese is the true and everlasting dressing for wing dipping. There are many who have been blinded by the craftiness of men and have settled for Ranch, but that does not make it right.
I am hoping is that the NFL lockout causes the laws of supply and demand to force the price of wings back to earth. However, I will continue enjoying this culinary marvel either way. But I will do it at home, because homemade wings are half the price, and just as good. (And I'm not talking about the wings that already have the sauce on them, that you just stick in the oven. They are a soggy abomination.)
Should the NFL close for business, I would like to let Mr. Sanderson, along with all other poultry producers, know that I will do my part to help them survive this rough patch. But 13.5 billion is a lot of wings. I might need me a Costco-size bottle of Tums.
Good luck with your lockout. I'll bring the napkins.